do you ever feel like...

do you ever feel like...

your wedding is bringing out the worst in you?

i feel really guilty writing this... but i hope you will understand...

recently, with my shower and all, we've discovered that fh's immediate family is... well, less than generous when it comes to presents. and we're now getting hints here and there (too long to explain) that the wedding is going to be no better...

so fh gets upset because he feels bad that his family (who is perfectly well-off) doesn't help us much at all, whereas my family is over-the-top generous. and while i tell him that it doesn't matter, it's only money - the truth is that i'm getting more and more resentful of his family... ETA: and what makes it worse is that i am mortified to tell my family what fh's family buys us, because then they get so upset for us, and i don't want my family to think badly of his!!!

i hate myself for feeling this way

Re: do you ever feel like...

Re: do you ever feel like...

I feel your pain. I am the same way, about the same type of situation. I have no advice.. sorry.. I wish I could not feel this resentment also.

Re: do you ever feel like...

Are they from out of state? I've realized that NYers seem to be far more generous than others...

I understand how you feel though...

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Sometimes I find my self thinking things I did not think I ever would...
So... I understand you!

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Firstly, I think you are brave for being able to admit to these feelings - not easy.

I was just feeling badly today about my mom - i feel like she talks more about her dress and hair than she does ask me about mine. She does tend to be a little self absorbed, but i know deep down inside it is because she is really insecure. I was on the verge of being REALLY nasty today and I had to stop myself - I feel like all this wedding stuff does make me a little 'selfish' in certain moments and I have to set it in perspective.

As far as your situation goes though, having things be that uneven is very hard, and I think what you are feeling is normal given the situation. You definitely have it in perspective - you just need HUGS.

Re: do you ever feel like...

I have done and felt thing throughout my wedding process that surprise me. I understand what you mean.

Re: do you ever feel like...

First, never hate yourself for ANYTHING. Your feelings are completely valid and reasonable. I wonder if people know that gifts are a reflection of their hearts, especially when they're well off and the gift is less than generous. I don't mean that every give has to be expensive to have meaning. Not at all. It's always the thought and the time put into the gift; there are those who give expensive gifts who also don't care anything about the recipient - they're just trying to show off. But if you're picking up on the fact that his family is...well...cheap, don't feel bad for thinking that they could do better. But also just realize that this is how they are and it is not personal.

Re: do you ever feel like...

Re: do you ever feel like...

alex, i can totally understand how you feel. my parents have been a lot more generous than ray's, but some people i believe are still in that mindset that the bride's parents should be the ones that contribue to the most.

don't be bummed about your feelings because it's how you feel and there's nothing wrong with that. if greg feels bad, then whatever you're thinking must be validated.

just hang in there, it's almost over, and try not to dwell on it because these people are soon going to be family.

Re: do you ever feel like...

Re: do you ever feel like...

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Posted by DIJBH

I have done and felt thing throughout my wedding process that surprise me. I understand what you mean.

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same here

more

Re: do you ever feel like...

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Posted by melissaandsean

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Posted by DIJBH

I have done and felt things throughout my wedding process that surprise me. I understand what you mean.

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same here

more

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me too!

Re: do you ever feel like...

I totally understand how you feel...I was just saying to my FH last night how I feel like I can't handle the pressure anymore and how I feel like I'm being totally self-absorbed. I don't have many words of wisdom, but try to focus on the most important thing, which is how much you love your FH which is the reason why you're getting married in the first place. I know that this is easier said than done though!

Re: do you ever feel like...

Weddings make people weird... I am finding this out myself too. But I am trying so hard to believe that after the wedding everyone will go back to 'normal'.

I am sorry.

Re: do you ever feel like...

I know it can be hard when you are disappointed by your new family-- I think it is all part of the process..

And yes, I feel like sometimes I am not 'myself'... or I just turn into a raging b*tch-- which is kinda myself sometimes!!

Re: do you ever feel like...

Re: do you ever feel like...

Alex,

I'm in a similar situation but it's my extended family that are the cheap ones. When we got engaged we got checks and presents from FH's family members who I never met and he had only met once or twice because they live in CA. I thought, OMG, how generous. FH was also married before so I expected nothing from these people.

My side are cheap and self-absorbed, with few exceptions. Considering my situation many, me included, thought I'd never get married so you would think my cousins (whom I saw every weekend growing up) could even get us a freakin' card. Oh, and they all had big NY weddings and are doing more than fine financially. I can't tell you how many enagement, wedding, baby, new house, gifts I bought them and I was a poor grad student at the time.



I can't say enough about FH's family. His Dad's a kitchen contractor and he bought all of the supplies and materials (including cabinets ) for our brand new kitchen. His aunt is on disability and she sent us a check for our engagement. I felt bad taking it.

My cousins have shown ZERO interest in the wedding Only two called to congratulate me on the engagement and the rest I have not seen or heard from since.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Maybe best to realize this now so you can plan for the future. I know I am.

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I agree, I think it was really brave of you to be honest about your feelings and I give you major props for that I can understand where you are coming from in regards to the in laws, for me, its more the whole joining of two totally separate families and different ways of expressing their love. Like my parents give money because they never really had any money when they were growing up, but his family gives one gift on xmas and usually its not until a couple of weeks after xmas. So, its definitely different and something to get used to. Wedding do do amazingly weird things to all of us and I guess thats just a part of going into this huge 'other stage' of our lives. You are not evil or wrong, I think you're just trying to adjust to the rest of your life

Re: do you ever feel like...

it's understandable that you feel this way. i would too to tell you the truth.