E-party gift from FBIL

Long story short FH hasn't spoken to his brother in over 5 years. FBIL won't pick up the phone when FIL's call him and they have only seen their grandkids a few times. FH has never met his nieces and nephews.
However, since FIL's are hosting our e-party they asked that we invited FBIL and his family (FH already said they won't be invited to the wedding, but FIL's hold onto the hope that FBIL will become part of their fam again).
FBIL called about 2 weeks ago (my cell since that was the RSVP #) and left a message saying they weren't coming (we didn't expect them too). But he asked that FH call him back and they wanted to take us to dinner. FH didn't call back.
Today a card shows up from FBIL and family. Inside is a $50 check and again the request to call so we could go to dinner. FH stopped talking to FBIL before we met so I try not to get in the middle of things, as I feel it's FH's issue to deal with. I don't think FH will ever talk to FBIL again, because the reason FBIL is estranged from the family is still present.
So FH doesn't want to cash the check...and he even wants to return it. I told him if he returns it he needs to include a note, he can't just send it back.
What would you do?

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Posted by baba022

Obviously something really serious must have happened for your fh to feel that strongly about fbil not being part of your lives - how bad was it?? You can talk to him about it and maybe just not cash the check and leave it at that. Like he never even sent anything. this is really up to him since you weren't involved in it. I know you are but just be on his side with whatever he decides.....

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Basically FBIL is in a religious cult and has said/done some horrible things to FIL's. There have been lawsuits and all.
I know ultimately it's FH's decision, and I am not going to push him to do one thing or the other. However, the e-party invite came from our address (even though the invite itself said that our FIL's were hosting). So I think that maybe FBIL thinks FH is reaching out to him, when that isn't the case at all. He was just following FIL's wishes, because they still hope to one day reconnect with their son.

here's the thing, since FBIL sent a gift he obviously thinks FH invited him and not FIL, I wouldnt send the check back, I would send a thank you note in the mail thanking them for the gift and that dinner isnt necessary....that was gift enough....

I think returning the gift isn't right esp. after an invitation was sent....his FBIL (no matter how much of a piece of garbage he has been) did the right thing by sending his brother a gift. Sending it back would add fuel to the fire. Ignore the gift, don't cash it and don't call him for dinner -- he'll get the picture.

Sorry you and FH are going through this

Sorry to hear about this. I think you should just hold on to the check and not cash it- and shred it. Then, send a thank you note thanking them for the gift and that dinner isn't necessary. I mean, is it that bad? I understand there was involvement of a cult (too scary) but there is only one family. Maybe he is trying to mend things? (The FBIL) I don't know. I think family always deserves a second chance but again- I don't know the whole story.... Good luck and sorry you have to deal with this difficult situation.

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Posted by Dr Meg

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Posted by baba022

Obviously something really serious must have happened for your fh to feel that strongly about fbil not being part of your lives - how bad was it?? You can talk to him about it and maybe just not cash the check and leave it at that. Like he never even sent anything. this is really up to him since you weren't involved in it. I know you are but just be on his side with whatever he decides.....

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Basically FBIL is in a religious cult and has said/done some horrible things to FIL's. There have been lawsuits and all.
I know ultimately it's FH's decision, and I am not going to push him to do one thing or the other. However, the e-party invite came from our address (even though the invite itself said that our FIL's were hosting). So I think that maybe FBIL thinks FH is reaching out to him, when that isn't the case at all. He was just following FIL's wishes, because they still hope to one day reconnect with their son.

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WOW! This is tough. I honestly would just let it go. I wouldnt cash the check and let everthing fall into place.

Wow thats really tough. Its not nearly as bad but my Godmother (Dad's sister) is estranged from the family because of things she said and did after my parents moved to Florida when my Dad retired. She pretty much became a total looney. No one has talked to her accept my Dad on major holidays in 3 years...and even then its weird he says. We used to be SOOO close and it bothers me especially because she takes care of my Grandfather and I feel like I cant go over there because it will be horrible seeing her. They were invited to my engagement party so we'll see if they come. I kinda hope they do.

If it were up to me I would put everything behind us and start fresh but the world doesnt really work like that.