Etiquette question

NYCMeghan Posted: Jan 23, 2003 02:55 PM

Etiquette question

I've been a lurker on the site for a while and promised myself that I would not post until I was 'officially' engaged with the date set, but a question has come up and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. FH and I have been planning the wedding without 'officially' being engaged - he asked me a while ago, but has been saving for the ring he wants to give me in order to make it official. Well he's ready to buy the ring, but is not sure how to ask my parents for their blessing. I'm curious how others handled this and any suggestions/advice? Should he just ask my Dad? Both parents? Should he bring the ring to show my parent(s)? Dad and he get along great, but he and my Mom aren't so close, although she is warming up to him. He wants my opinion and I just don't know what to tell him.

nylisa Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:00 PM

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MY FI asked both of my parents (but asked my dad more, if that makes sense) with the ring. He told them that he wanted to marry me and he had a ring. My dad was on the way out of the house when my FI told him that he had something to ask him, once he asked my dad said I guess I am not going out now. Then my dad poured them a glass a wine each to celebrate. I was not home during this (I was getting my nails done) .

Helene718 Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:01 PM

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My Fh asked both of my parents together when he knew that I would not be home. He did not bring the ring, but he did bring a bottle of wine for them.

sept20yay! Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:01 PM

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Hi Meg- Congratulations on your first post... I don't know how others would handle it but I would ask your father... It is pretty traditional to ask the father and also, minimize the chance of your mother objecting to your FH's question....Hope this helps!

sept20yay! Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:03 PM

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OOOOHHH!!! I LOVE the bottle of fine wine idea- maybe it will get your parents a little loose and loopey!

Helene718 Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:04 PM

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FH was only giving them the wine if they said yes!

Lisa Rose Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:04 PM

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My husband's car was in the shop the night that he was going to ask my parents to marry me. So instead of going over there, he called them from the office, explained the situation and why he could not come over. Then he asked them both for my hand!
My mom tells me later that he was so nervous that he was studdering and my mom told him to relax. After that he was fine. Then the next night he asked me!!

Sonicstef Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:05 PM

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My husband didnt ask and Im glad he did not since I dont like the implication. However - I would think that its best if he sits both of your parents down and asks for both of their blessing. If he asks your dad only then you mother might get offended. If you are at all worried that they may not give their blessing - it may be best if he doesnt ask for it in the first place.

I dont think he needs to show them the ring but if he already has it at the time, no harm sharing.

babybride Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:06 PM

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We are both very traditional so he actually met my dad where he works (he is a waiter) and asked him. Then they had drinks and celebrated.

NYCMeghan Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:08 PM

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Marisa - that's just what he needs...my mom drunk & angry before he asks...I think he should save the wine until they say yes, like Helene suggested...it is a great idea...

Helene718 Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:09 PM

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He actually ran outside to his car to get the wine after he asked! He's so funny, he knew they wouldn't say no!

sept20yay! Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:13 PM

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I agree!!! I love Helene's idea!!! He should bring the bottle of wine and not share in a drink until they say yes! If they say no, he can hit them with it! Just kidding

After reading everyone's post, both should be asked- he should come dressed in a suit maybe (very respectful) and should ask for their blessing. Then wine!

farah416 Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:14 PM

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This is not really advice as much as a funny story I thought I'd share. My parents are not from this country but have been here for a long time and are certainly aware of the customs (My dad's been here since 1960!) When Rob asked my parents for their blessing, my dad said, 'Well, you should really be having that conversation with my daughter. She very independent.' My mom had to interrupt and explain the custom to my dad. It was really funny and really helped calm Rob's nerves!

Good luck! I would have him ask your parents if you think they would have no objections. If you think they might have a problem with your engagement, it might be easier to present them with a united front.

NYCMeghan Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:16 PM

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Oh, he'll just LOVE it if I ask him to wear a suit!! I can't wait to show him this thread.

BTW: I hope its OK that I posted before its 'official'. I just realized that it might offend some people to have a not-quite-yet engaged person posting here, so I do apologize if anyone is upset with me for doing so.

Helene718 Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:18 PM

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Don't be silly. Of course you can post here! Welcome to the boards!

JENHOS Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:19 PM

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Matt asked my dad. Then let me tell my mom after he asked me. She loved the suprise factor. Your parents may like to be included so I think he should ask them both. It may score some points with mom.

sept20yay! Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:19 PM

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Can't wait to hear about your engagement!!! Okay- no suit.... well, meg, I don't know if a helmet and boxers are appropriate this time!! HA HA HA!!

nylisa Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:20 PM

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Welcome to the Addication.

avesur Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:20 PM

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We didn't ask my parents (they live abroad), I just called them and told them that we were getting married ... Same as Farah, traditions are different everywhere, plus I am very independant and we are old enough to be by ourselves even if they opposed, so that makes things easier on everyone

Good luck with your announcement!!!

Elena

OctBride03 Posted: Jan 23, 2003 03:35 PM

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Hello and welcome!!!

My FH asked my Dad only. I don't know why, I think he just thought that was customary or he knew that my dad would tell my mother anyway.

My friend's husband asked only her dad too. And so did my other friend's FH.

I think it's all up to your guy. If he feels more comfortable with your dad, I think just asking him is fine. If he feels he wants to include your mom, I think that's nice too! Just my opinion.