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Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Original post by cherish83

Thread views: 809

Okay, so there has been problems with my family since November. Everyone eles, but one cousin (a bm) and myself ,is way to stubborn to talk.

Let me give you the background.

My aunt passed away last September from cancer. This was of course very hard to deal with for the entire family. My mom and her were only 13 months apart and did everything together growing up and were very very close. But they moved to Jersey YEARS ago, so distance became an issue since neither sister drives over bridges.Now my Aunt was only 49 when she passed, and my Grandfather is still alive, so I cant even imagine what he went through. She was still married to her HS sweetheart and had 4 children, (ages 28, 24, 20 and 12; all now a year older). All of my cousins are supposed to me in the BP. If I had my way it would only be 2 cousins (the 24 and 20 year old, since they are the ones I really speak to).

When my Aunt first passed away my cousins (the 24 year old) came in almost every weekend with her bf and stayed over. My mom and my family were there for her and the rest of them continuously. My mom called all of them as much as possible and were their shoulder to cry on. As time went on, mostly during the summer, they started coming in less frequently. My cousin broke things off with her Fiancee and kinda distanced herself, I guess she needed to be alone. (BUT again, this is the cousin I am still speaking with right now).

Ok thats the background.

This is where the drama begins.

My youngest cousin's birthday was in November. My mom reminded my grandpa and uncles to call her for her birthday. But that day, she had stayed late at work and then our dog got really sick, so she forgot to call. She remembered first thing the next morning and called, no one answered. She tried all day and week and no one would return her calls. Finally she spoke to one of the cousins and they said they were all mad at my mom.. ...Should mention that not one of us ever gets a call from them for our birthdays.

Next thing, my stepdad and my siblings and I threw my Mom a Suprise 50th birthday party in December. I never got an RSVP from them (only the one cousin) so I had to call them up and their answer was I GUESS we'll be there. Like Thanks.

You could feel the tension when they arrived. They were very rude to all of us. The oldest cousin turned his back to my Grandpa. They were going to leave the party without saying goodbye before cake. They were made because we gave my mom her gift in front of everyone. They said that should've been done at home.

Now since then I've seen My uncle, and two cousins in the neighborhood at Unos, with an unfamiliar woman. My family suspects that my Uncle is trying to get them all against us so he can bring in his new babe and we not find out. Now the thing that also pis sed us off, was that they come in from Jersey, are 5 minutes from My Grandpa and ourselves, and they dont visit. You shoul'dve seen their faces when they saw FH and me!

I've tried to be the mediator in all of this, but my Uncle and 3 cousins have made no contact with anyone in the family since the party. We've called them for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and were basically rushed off the phone. I sent the 3 girls BM newsletters to keep them informed of whats going on.I had to contact them to see if the received them. Now again, my cousin which I'm closest to has still been talking to me about wedding stuff and has even seen my dress. But with the cousin who will be 21 next week, I've emailed and get nastier emails back. All i do in the emails is bring up the facts about how my grandpa deserves respect, and imagine how he feels in all of this. I got a recent one today where she said actions speak louder than words in response to the fact that I said I am not a phone person, hate the phone and am not one to call some one out of the blue to talk for an hour. With that, it works both ways. When I have called, she never answers or calls back. So I feel like I bother her and what more can I do.

At this point, I dont see the families coming together AT ALL. The only one I still want as a part of my wedding is the one I still talk to, the one I've been like sisters with since we're only 13 months apart. Would it be wrong to count the other three out of the BP?

I understand that I cant imagine what its like to lose a parent, and I feel so bad for them. And my family has tried to be there for them, but to them its not enough and we get pused away.

Thanks so much for reading ALL of this, if you did

dream426 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

I am so sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can say is hopefully you guys can talk all of this out as hard as it might be to get them to listen or even talk. I don't really know what to say but I just wanted to send huggies your way. I hope everything works out for you. I know this is a hard time right now. We are all here to listen.

cherish83 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by Future Mulligan

im really sorry about your aunt

i think your cousins and uncle may not know how to deal - it actually might make then feel worse to see your family together - since their family is now incomplete i seriously doubt that the missed bday phone call is the reason they are distancing themselves - it might be the excuse they were looking for though - in a way it might be easier for them to be mad and upset at your family/grandpa then for them to be around everyone while they are all so happy - its kind of far fetched buts its the only thing i could come up with - it just might be there way of dealing - seeing you guys together and happy may anger them because they are jealous and upset that their mom died which i could totally see happening and i could understand how they might feel that way - this isnt the same thing, but my FH's family is very close and very different from mine - holidays are always hard for me because even though my parents are alive - they are in florida and i dont see them or talk to them much and being around FH's close knit, lovey dovey family makes me sad, upset and sometimes a little jealous and i guess angry - i dont take it out on anyone but on the inside i feel like crap....

im glad your one cousin is still good - does she have any insight into how her bro/sis are feeling? why are they so angry? does she get along with them?

I could see what you are saying. And could understand that. And honesly, I would understand if the one cousin I spoke with felt like that because she was engaged and it didnt work out, but mine is. The other cousin told a family friend at my Moms party that she is jealous of me because of all the time I spend with our grandpa. But thats because I make the time to go there. I feel like if thats a reason you are jealous, you could easily change that. Because there are a couple of time where she told him she was going to visit and she never did.

My cousin just moved out of the house because there is other stuff going on she said. I didnt want to get involved if she didnt want to tell me so I didnt pry as to what. That said, she isn't THAT close with the others. We honestly havent really brought up the fight. I think we're both trying to keep that a seperate issue to we dont cause problems with us. But I know I should bring it up and feel out the issue.

cherish83 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by dream426

I am so sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can say is hopefully you guys can talk all of this out as hard as it might be to get them to listen or even talk. I don't really know what to say but I just wanted to send huggies your way. I hope everything works out for you. I know this is a hard time right now. We are all here to listen.

Thank you!

cbcf Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by cherish83

Caite, I'm sorry your family is going through cra p too. Its soo foolish. You would think it would be a no brainer for people to show decency when it comes to their own family. I can't believe how selfish people can be. Your Dad seems like an amazing man to do that for your Grandma. Atleast she has you guys to be there for her.

You're right though. I should talk to that one cousin and see what she thinks.

thanks megan. I am sorry you are going through this as well. It is very foolish! And childish. you think adults would act their age instead of regressing!!! And thanks yeah my dad is definitely a great guy (haha not to brag) but he defintiely puts aside problems or easily forgives!!

But yeah maybe talk to your cousin and see what she thinks. maybe she might even say hey yeah they dont deserve to be in the BP or yeah they might cause problems so just kindly ask them to decline GOOD LUCK I hope everything works out for the best!! And I am sorry to your mom and grandpa.

hannahshim Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

I understand what your going through.. I've had issues with my cousins and aunt for a long time now.. we dont even speak anymore.. their not invited to my wedding.. the situation is a lot different but its because they are true bicthes..

my cousins were the type of people that will be nice when they need us and then they will give us the cold shoulder if we dont have anything to give them... before when we were well off (money wise) they were all over us.. but after my father got sick they started to give us the cold shoulder... then after my father passed they came to the funeral and they started to act all nice and told us that she would pay for my fathers tombstone(because they didnt bring us a gift/money).. of course we accepted... because we had a hard time paying for things... I called her many times left messages to our cousins and non of her family members called or did anything... we ended up paying for it ourselfs and therefore they are not invited to my wedding.......

if you made the effort on your side and if they still give you the cold shoulder you should definitely take them out of the BP.. In my opinion they cant be trusted.. if you keep them in the BP i bet they wont even bother to care( to go to the fittings and stuff.. ) just keep the cousin you talk to in the BP and just invite the rest as guests...

JMO

GOOD LUCK

Nechama1 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Family troubles are very taxing...

But the mention of the cousin who has pictures of herself drinking and partying shortly after a death...Well I think it's unfair to judge her for that. Maybe she didn't want to be around her family, around reminders of who she had lost. People mourn in different ways. And yes, it may seem inappropiate, but you cannot understand grieving until you have been through it...Some people act out by drinking excessivey... It's just a way to deal. It shows she needs you more than ever.

cherish83 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by Nechama1

Family troubles are very taxing...

But the mention of the cousin who has pictures of herself drinking and partying shortly after a death...Well I think it's unfair to judge her for that. Maybe she didn't want to be around her family, around reminders of who she had lost. People mourn in different ways. And yes, it may seem inappropiate, but you cannot understand grieving until you have been through it...Some people act out by drinking excessivey... It's just a way to deal. It shows she needs you more than ever.

I completely understand that people grieve differently. I didnt say that this happened right after my Aunt passed away. This happened this past Christmas which is over a year after. I understand that she may still be feeling the pain of it all. The point I was making though, is that she said in emails it seems to her and other members of her family, that my family does not care about my aunt or them for that matter. They dont know that my mom cries very frequently still over her sister. The thing is they can't say we are going on with our lives, when instead of being with her family, she is out with her friends partying it up, which she has done for years. When my aunt was sick she was always with her friends and never there for my Aunt.

cherish83 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by hannahshim

I understand what your going through.. I've had issues with my cousins and aunt for a long time now.. we dont even speak anymore.. their not invited to my wedding.. the situation is a lot different but its because they are true bicthes..

my cousins were the type of people that will be nice when they need us and then they will give us the cold shoulder if we dont have anything to give them... before when we were well off (money wise) they were all over us.. but after my father got sick they started to give us the cold shoulder... then after my father passed they came to the funeral and they started to act all nice and told us that she would pay for my fathers tombstone(because they didnt bring us a gift/money).. of course we accepted... because we had a hard time paying for things... I called her many times left messages to our cousins and non of her family members called or did anything... we ended up paying for it ourselfs and therefore they are not invited to my wedding.......

if you made the effort on your side and if they still give you the cold shoulder you should definitely take them out of the BP.. In my opinion they cant be trusted.. if you keep them in the BP i bet they wont even bother to care( to go to the fittings and stuff.. ) just keep the cousin you talk to in the BP and just invite the rest as guests...

JMO

GOOD LUCK

Thats really messed up. I'm sorry about your father

You brought up the point i'm concerned about 'if you keep them in the BP i bet they wont even bother to care( to go to the fittings and stuff.. ) just keep the cousin you talk to in the BP and just invite the rest as guests...'

Cutechef729 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

It seems like you, your mom, and your cousin seem to really care about reconciling this. I know that its probably really hard for you because you're in the middle. Does your mom really want all of your cousins in the wedding party? I know it seems unfair but I think that it will cause you and your family less of a headache if you didn't include the ones who don't want to be there. Your bridal party is supposed to be people who fully support you and want to help you on one of the biggest days of your life. If you can get everyone together to try to work it out, I would try, but it seems like you and your one cousin are the only ones trying to make it right. It's tough because its family but maybe you all just need some space. I hope everything works out for you.

hannahshim Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by cherish83

Posted by hannahshim

I understand what your going through.. I've had issues with my cousins and aunt for a long time now.. we dont even speak anymore.. their not invited to my wedding.. the situation is a lot different but its because they are true bicthes..

my cousins were the type of people that will be nice when they need us and then they will give us the cold shoulder if we dont have anything to give them... before when we were well off (money wise) they were all over us.. but after my father got sick they started to give us the cold shoulder... then after my father passed they came to the funeral and they started to act all nice and told us that she would pay for my fathers tombstone(because they didnt bring us a gift/money).. of course we accepted... because we had a hard time paying for things... I called her many times left messages to our cousins and non of her family members called or did anything... we ended up paying for it ourselfs and therefore they are not invited to my wedding.......

if you made the effort on your side and if they still give you the cold shoulder you should definitely take them out of the BP.. In my opinion they cant be trusted.. if you keep them in the BP i bet they wont even bother to care( to go to the fittings and stuff.. ) just keep the cousin you talk to in the BP and just invite the rest as guests...

JMO

GOOD LUCK

Thats really messed up. I'm sorry about your father

You brought up the point i'm concerned about 'if you keep them in the BP i bet they wont even bother to care( to go to the fittings and stuff.. ) just keep the cousin you talk to in the BP and just invite the rest as guests...'

you should talkt to the cousin that you know and see what her opinion is..
the only way I would even consider keeping them in the BP is if the cousin takes responsibility..
if shes willing to bring them to the fittings, rehersal dinner... etc..

I dont want to say anything bad about your cousins because i dont know them but in reality I dont think they even care.... if they know their in the BP and their not talking to you and being hasty.. thats just wrong.. that means that they dont even want to be in it... I really dont think its a good idea.. you dont need that stress for your wedding...

i'm sorry if im coming out strong(?).. i just dont want you to get hurt or be upset when it gets close to your wedding.. no brides need that..

ant n tilde Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

i have no advice just hugs and i hope you get this resolved soon

mishjohn Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by anamaree77

Are you sure we're not from the same family?? I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, it is really aggravating and depressing. I know and I went through so much similar stuff with my family. The best you can do is just try your best but take my word, do not consume yourself with this. I hate to be the pessimist but these things just snowball over stupidity and hurt feelings.

My whole family divided over a 'rumor' that my one aunt said something to the other aunt while she was all the way in EUROPE while she was at my dying grandfather's bedside (God rest his soul)!!!!!!!! The other Aunt heard about it when they got home and then got mad and wouldn't go to the other Aunt's sons Graduation party and THERE YOU GO!! Huge family battle over stupidity. People can be very sensitive and feel they have been wronged over nothing. This got so bad that the entire familie's got torn apart and when my Uncle ended up with a Brain Tumor, the one Aunt forbid the other Aunt to come visit (Who is his sister, mind you). I don't mean to get off your topic but i'm just trying to show you an example of how totally out of control this gets. My poor Aunt couldn't even come to my Uncle's funeral over family stupidity.

It is not just you. I don't mean to be cold, I know you love and care for your family but you have a wedding to plan and you are starting your own family. I was stupid in the beginning too and tried to include everyone and be the family mediator and I only got backs turned to me and unreturned phone calls. The one cousin that was supposed to be in my wedding never returned my calls, wouldn't return my emails and I had to chase her down and finally she answered that she didn't feel she'd be able to walk down the aisle for me b/c she's so upset for her father. I lost my dad when I was only 19 so I can totally understand. HOWEVER, meanwhile she can post pics all over her myspace of her drunken binges with her friends and trips all over. PPUHHHLLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!

Sorry so long but i'm trying to save you some trouble. You are starting your own family, make that #1 in your life.

FM if you ever want to talk. GOOD LUCK HUN!!

i agree w/anamaree, families fight over stupid things, my fathers family has fought ever since i can remember and as a child always thought every fight was my fault being the godchild.....you should do what makes you happy, this is your wedding and ultimately your decision!!! have only the one cousin whom you still speak to!!

cherish83 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by hannahshim

Posted by cherish83

Posted by hannahshim

I understand what your going through.. I've had issues with my cousins and aunt for a long time now.. we dont even speak anymore.. their not invited to my wedding.. the situation is a lot different but its because they are true bicthes..

my cousins were the type of people that will be nice when they need us and then they will give us the cold shoulder if we dont have anything to give them... before when we were well off (money wise) they were all over us.. but after my father got sick they started to give us the cold shoulder... then after my father passed they came to the funeral and they started to act all nice and told us that she would pay for my fathers tombstone(because they didnt bring us a gift/money).. of course we accepted... because we had a hard time paying for things... I called her many times left messages to our cousins and non of her family members called or did anything... we ended up paying for it ourselfs and therefore they are not invited to my wedding.......

if you made the effort on your side and if they still give you the cold shoulder you should definitely take them out of the BP.. In my opinion they cant be trusted.. if you keep them in the BP i bet they wont even bother to care( to go to the fittings and stuff.. ) just keep the cousin you talk to in the BP and just invite the rest as guests...

JMO

GOOD LUCK

Thats really messed up. I'm sorry about your father

You brought up the point i'm concerned about 'if you keep them in the BP i bet they wont even bother to care( to go to the fittings and stuff.. ) just keep the cousin you talk to in the BP and just invite the rest as guests...'

you should talkt to the cousin that you know and see what her opinion is..
the only way I would even consider keeping them in the BP is if the cousin takes responsibility..
if shes willing to bring them to the fittings, rehersal dinner... etc..

I dont want to say anything bad about your cousins because i dont know them but in reality I dont think they even care.... if they know their in the BP and their not talking to you and being hasty.. thats just wrong.. that means that they dont even want to be in it... I really dont think its a good idea.. you dont need that stress for your wedding...

i'm sorry if im coming out strong(?).. i just dont want you to get hurt or be upset when it gets close to your wedding.. no brides need that..

Thanks so much Hannah. I know what you are saying, and that you are most likely right. I usually dont speak my mind and speak up for myself. I hate causing drama, and I feel like if I dont have them in it, it'll add to all thats going on. I'll definitely try to bring it up to my one cousin and see what she thinks

cherish83 Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Posted by ant n tilde

i have no advice just hugs and i hope you get this resolved soon

Thank you Matilde

LuvMyAlfonse Thread views: 809

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

I totally agree with Hannah.... They're not worth your aggravation Megan - and they'll probably be relieved if you let them off the hook..

I'm sorry you have such nonsense to deal with. Your poor grandfather.

I'm so sorry.