family problems

i have been so depressed lately.

Last sunday i had a huge humongous fight with my parents. I cannot even describe how awful it was. After weeks of procrastinating i asked my mom for a check to pay for the usmle and a check to pay for the deposit for the band - $600 (now remember my parents are the ones who insisted that i get a band and not a dj). I wrote out the checks and my mom signed them and then she starts flipping out that peter (my fiance) should be paying for this. 'what is he going to pay for? Or is he just going to come over here all the time and eat all of our food?', she says. I have already told her a million times that peter's dad is contributing $20,000. And me and peter already put in $12,000 of our own money for the deposit on the hall. This was the first thing in the 8 months that we have been engaged that i have asked her to pay for. She keeps on yelling that i need to learn how to speak to her... blah blah blah. Then my dad comes in to find out what all the yelling is about and my mom says, 'wait, i will tell you what happened. She tricked me into signing a check for her for the wedding.' I tricked her? how the heck did i trick her? and then my dad flips out (without even asking me what happened) and starts yelling and cursing and calling me every horrible name in the book. He said that all i want from him is money and i have taken all his money from him. He is the one who offered to pay for this stupid thing in the first place... i told him at the very beginning that i would be happy getting married this year and having a really small wedding at a restaurant but he said no.

So i gave him the check back and they have not spoken to me since then. i am so depressed i dont even know what to do. My parents have always been like this my entire life, they have been very abusive to me since i was little. i dont know why i expected things to change. i am upset about not having money for this wedding, but most of all i am upset that i dont have a nice normal family that would be happy for me during this time. At this point i cant ever imagine walking down the aisle with my dad after the names he called me. any advice would be appreciated.

I am very sorry that you are going through this. You certainly do not deserve that type of treatment. It seems as if your FH's family is making a very hefty contribution to your wedding. And the two of you are most certainly contributing as well. Perhaps your parents aren't happy with themselves and are projecting their own frustrations on you and your FH. I would let some time pass before you make any decisions. Talk to your FH and see what you come up with. Good luck and hugs!

Normally, I would say then get a DJ (which would be less money) since they were the ones who insisted on the band, but if they're not going to contribute to the costs, then they don't have a say on it any longer.

You have to do what makes you happy. Everyone is going to have an opinion on everything. Don't ask them for anything and just plow right ahead with your planning. When they speak to you again, if they have any requests for the wedding, calmly say that it is your and FH's day, and the only ones who have a say on anything are the people contributing.

I know it sounds bridezillaish, but to hell with it. People who are not going to help you other than to cause you more stress should not have a right to have an opinion or get their way on any aspect of YOUR wedding!!

I am sorry to hear you are having such problems..
Is there any way you can sit down with your parents and explain how you feel? Maybe they don't realize how much they are hurting you.
I know I feel terrible when I get into a fight with my parents.

I am sorry that you were treated like that...no one deserves to be spoken to in that way, especially by their parents. Could you sit down with them and tell them how you are feeling? Remember, this is your's and FH's day...not your parents! If you cannot imagine your dad walking you down the aisle after how he treated you, then walk yourself...it might make you feel better. Good luck, and I hope everything works out

I know what it's like to have screaming, abusive parents. I think you know that if you have them involved in this wedding, there will be more scenes like that in the future.

betw. your FIL's and you and fh, you have $32,000 for this wedding. is there any way you could just use this money, and cut your parents (and their contribution) out of things.

will Oheka give you your deposit back?

I am sure you are in love with Oheka and have already made so many plans- but you have to decide if it's worth whatever your parents will put you through until that day.

many many , and no matter what you decide, we are hear to listen!

Godd luck.

I am so sorry - its hard - and when it comes to money and all this planning its crazy how people get .....just try to talk to everyone and stay clam to make sure that you get your side accross....and just remember there is only so much that you can do to make other happy

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with them. Tell them that you need to know if they plan to contribute or not - simply because you have been planning your wedding with the notion they would contribute (as they previously said) and you will have to alter your plans if they don't. If they don't want to contribute, well that is one thing, but if they say they will contribute they shouldn't put you through H ELL everytime you ask for some $$$$, especially when it is for vendors they insisted on (I have a similar issue with FIL's insistence on a band )

Good luck! Money brings out the worst in people

Oh darling

If thats the case that they have been this way towards you all your life, maybe you should just do your own thing and show them that you do not need to depend on them (although they probably owe you everything you can possibly think of) ... Im sure all troubles will pass and everything will work out just fine, but maybe you and your fiancee should just have a small wedding and not rely on your parents...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It seems that this has been like this all your life, then now is the time to move on and have this wedding your way. Unfortunately that might mean that you may have to sacrifice somethings. either way, just go with your heart and make what makes you and your fh happy. Good luck.

I'm sorry!

If your parents continue to be abusive like that, take the 32K and have your wedding somewhere else and don't involve them at all! It will save you ALOT of heartache. Good luck and please keep us posted!!

OMG sweetie.. I know exactly what your going through so I can totally relate to how your feeling right now. I went through the same thing with my father. It got to a point where I couldn't be in the same room with the man which led me to move out on my own 5 years ago. I haven't spoke to him since. I have a horrible relationship with my father... He didn't even show up to my engagement party. Needless to say, he wont be walking me down the asile because Im not even inviting him to my wedding. I cant even begin to tell you how horrible my situation is.. It got even worse when my mother left him. The only advice I can give you is try every which way possible to pay for this wedding on your own. PLEASE do anything it takes.. whether its cutting the guest list or having it at a different venue or postponing it..get a 2nd job... ANYTHING. The worse thing to do is take money from your parents when they are acting like this. Trust me... its great to have the extra cash from them now, but it will haunt you after the wedding when you keep getting that constant reminder of how 'your wedding wouldn't be possible without OUR money' Thats the absolute LAST thing you want to hear and trust me girl for your parents to act like the way they are acting now... wait until after your married.. it will get worse because the money didn't come out of their pockets because they truly wanted to, but because they feel 'you tricked them' How horrible.
This is exactly why Im not accepting anything from my FI parents because they are the type of people that would throw it in our face' after the wedding. That is why Im telling you that its better off that you pay for everything on your own. Dont accept ANYTHING from your parents. The $20,000 from your FI parents is a generous gift.. accept that only if you feel they are giving it to you from their hearts and because they truly want to help you guys out. As for your parents.. whatever.. give them back the check.. tell them thanks, but no thanks and do everything ON YOUR OWN! The day of your wedding they can show up like every other guest. At least you will know that you didnt need them and that wedding was paid for out of the heart and your hard work.... nothing will be in vein.

This is exactly why we are paying for our own wedding. Everything.. from soup to nuts. And you know what?? No one can ever tell us that the wedding was only possible because of them. The only ones that will get satisfaction will be US. Me & Anthony. And in the end... thats all that really matters anyway.

Lots of luck sweetie.. I wish you & your FI only the best of luck with your planning. Please let me know how everything goes.

I'm so sorry, and as most of the other girls said, at this point, I would begin planning with the expectation that your parents would not be contributing to your wedding... You do have over $30,000 already and this is a budget you can work with. Then your parents will have no say over your wedding. I would try to talk things out with them if that's even possible, and let them know how you feel and what your plans are with the wedding but because of your circumstances I wouldn't expect anything else from them. Best of luck and keep us posted.

Aww, I'm so sorry!!! I'm glad you gave the check back, you don't need your parents to cause those frustrations over money for your wedding. Just do what feels right. If you don't feel comfortable with your dad walking you down, then have someone else do it; maybe an uncle or an older cousin, someone who would be honored to do it and who really deserves it!!

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Posted by Goldi1021

I am very sorry that you are going through this. You certainly do not deserve that type of treatment. It seems as if your FH's family is making a very hefty contribution to your wedding. And the two of you are most certainly contributing as well. Perhaps your parents aren't happy with themselves and are projecting their own frustrations on you and your FH. I would let some time pass before you make any decisions. Talk to your FH and see what you come up with. Good luck and hugs!

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I couldn't have said it better myself... If your parents don't want to contribute fine. Do what you can afford- if that means you have a dj then so be it. And let it be said there is nothing wrong with walking YOURSELF down the isle. If your parents are that abusive, don't give your dad the HONOR of walking you down the isle. Hang in there.

thank you everyone for all your kind words.
sometimes i cant stand that my family is so mean to each other when there is no reason to be... i mean there are people out there with real problems and my family just can't appreciate what they have.

i still have not made any progress with this situation. i will let you all know what happens...
i just wanted to let you know how much all your responses meant to me... u have made me feel much better.

as for right now my fi and i are playing around with the idea of taking out a school loan to pay for the wedding.

thanks girls so much!

<3 rosemarie

I'm so sorry Rosemarie...you're not alone on this issue. I reaaaaallly hope things get better soon

Definetely keep us posted, and try to save your money and making cuts on unnecessary things instead of getting a loan... Keep in mind that this is one day and a loan would take years to repay... We're all here for you whenever you want talk...