FH and his mom

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Posted by soon2bmrsconnolly

I can relate somewhat. My FH was also raised pretty much by his mom because his dad had a lot of problems and eventually they divorced. He is still close with his dad now, but his mother is his best friend. I am very close with her also, she is an amazing woman, but sometimes I feel I am competing with her. She doesn't do it on purpose, and she feels bad for me and tries to get him to break away, but it's hard for him. She is alone in the house and he worries about her all the time. I can understand it, but it is also VERY annoying. We only live one minute away from her. Literally 3 blocks away. ANYWAY- it took my a looooong time to get him to leave her house and move in with me. It was a very difficult transition and we were both miserable for the first few months. He has gotten used to it, though, and it's so much better. He still goes over there a lot and does a lot for her, but I only look at it positively. Just think, he will make an amazing husband and father when he is worrying about you this way.

Now, the next step is talking him out of building a house in her backyard (he seriously wants to do this )
She has a HUGE amount of property, and we would be knocking down her house and building a smaller one for her and a nice big one for us. But- it's in her backyard. We shall see.

Give it time. It's no easy feat to pull them away from mommy. It takes time and ALOT of patience. Take baby steps.

Good Luck!!!

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WOW - that is intense - I don't think I could handle living a minute away from FH's mom - they'd be together 24/7 and i'd be the third wheel. I try to look at it like he'll be a great husband and father - but how is that even possible when he's too busy being the perfect son? I definitely want FH to ease up and I've disussed it with him many times but his thing is well she's alone most of the time and you live w/ your parents (yes, but probably don't talk to them nearly as much as FH talks to his mom) - but at this point we want to begin our life together - we want them to be a part of it but not to the point that it'll be unhealthy.

I think compromise is a huge key here.

Instead of resenting his relationship with her- embrace it. I know that sounds crazy- but it just might work.

For example-

When we first moved in together, FH was inviting his mom to every dinner or she would make dinner and just expect us to come and not even ask. At first it was annoying, then I figured it out.
When I don't feel like cooking or cleaning- I don't have to! She can do all of the work, I will just enjoy the food.
We probably have dinner there twice a week- him sometimes more when I have school after work.

Perhaps you can suggest an evening phone call. Instead of talking 12 times a day- BOTH of you call each night, taking turns talking about whatever, catching up. This is a good way to build your relationship with her, also. It sounds like alot, but once FH gets used to it, you can suggest every other night.

Another thing- if you aren't so close to your FMIL, maybe you can offer to take her out to dinner or go to her house and watch a movie, just the 2 of you. My and my FMIL do this all the time. We are very close, and she is one person I can always talk to when having problems with FH. Maybe if your FH sees you making an effort to build a relationship with his mother/best friend, he will see that you are on his side, not trying to pull him out of his comfort zone.

Like I said, it takes a lot of patience and hard work, but eventually you will break him- trst me. Just try not to fly off the deep end till then.