FH and I got into a really big fight last night.

So last night FH and I got into a really big fight. Incredibly long story shorter, he just went back to school and failed his first course back because he got too overwhelmed and didn't hand in his final paper.

He has always had really bad time management skills (and this is one of the two things that really bothers me about him) but it's never effected things as big as him failing a course. Things like asking him to get addresses for our engagement party invites takes 3 weeks, he pays his car payment late, and he constantly forgets our plans. Even his last job yelled at him several times for having poor time management. I've been worried about it for awhile, but now because of this class I'm afraid this is going to be an on-going thing.

When he told me he was like 'Well, it's just one course and I'll retake it and it'll be fine.' But he totally failed to see that he wasted $450, and that having to take the course over again is pushing my school schedule back (I'm going to get my PhD in a couple of years and I'm waiting to go until he can finish his Associates. My program only starts in the fall so if he has to wait a semester to graduate that pushes me back a whole year and things like when he gets is BA, we have kids, and where we live and buy a house are dependent on me getting through my PhD in a reasonable amount of time). I told him I can't wait for him because by the time I start my degree it'll be 10 years in the making and I can't put off something that I've wanted for so long anymore. I won't even start my career (which I've wanted since high school) until I'm 30. He's more important to me than my career, but I can't just give it up so he can f- around trying to get his associates. He said that my school is more important than his, but I also think it's really important that he get his BA eventually because he has ideas of what he wants to do with his life, but none of them are possible if he doesn't have a degree. I want him to be able to say 'This i what I want to be' and be able to do that and not settle just because he didn't go to school. Plus I look at my parents, aunts and uncles, and the people who didn't get degrees struggled with their finances (even to this day) and I don't want to be the sole bread winner and living paycheck to paycheck. He lost his job two months ago and he got lucky when he got another job so quickly, but everything he wanted to do required higher degrees and if he didn't get this job he has now, he probably would still be looking.

When I tried to explain all of this, on top of being really disappointed because we were on the phone all the time because due to personal reasons it was a struggle to get through the class and he constantly needed moral support. I feel like after all the effort I put forth trying to help him, he really let me down. And the fact that he was like 'it's not a big deal I'll just retake it' and he doesn't see how I think it is a big deal.

I admit that the way I explained to him the part about time management and not being sure if I could rely on him wasn't the best. It was probably really emasculating, and I'm totally pro-women and taking care of myself, I just want our partnership to be equal and I'd like to not have to do EVERYTHING in our relationship from paying the bills to picking up our kids and juggling every other aspect of our lives because he can't.

And because what I said I know he took hard, he came back at me and basically said I'm trying to control every aspect of the wedding planning and not giving him any voice in the process. Which he knows is not true, he just said it because he knew it would really upset me.

I know this is the kind of thing that I'm totally over reacting about, in the long run it's really not going to matter that much, and I can get over it, I just feel really let down and I'm afraid this is how it's always going to be.

We're supposed to hang out tonight and I have no idea how to resolve this.

Go to a resturant to talk. It makes both of you keep your cool. As crazy as that sounds it works for us.

I understand what you are upset about, but, think of it this way, everything DOES happen for a reason. There is a reason WHY he failed that class, and whether it is because its to make you a stronger person, or to wake him up... there is a reason.

Good luck tonight...

He has always had really bad time management skills (and this is one of the two things that really bothers me about him) but it's never effected things as big as him failing a course. Things like asking him to get addresses for our engagement party invites takes 3 weeks, he pays his car payment late, and he constantly forgets our plans.



My FH is the same way... and I'm the exact opposite. But I think thats something we can help each other out with.
I give him the motivation when he needs it and he'll settle me down when I'm being too anal (LOL) about something.

I understand your point about not wanting to do EVERYTHING. I think its just a tough time right now and I'm sure it will blow over after you guys talk rationally. If he doesn't finish his degree on time then you shouldn't let that effect your plans.
Also.... He can take full college courses on-line if its maybe a psychological thing. Its a little more intense but the courses are quicker. So that might be best for the both of you.
FM me if you would like more information on it.

I don't want to upset you when I say this, but I want to be honest with you. You are not overreacting at all in my opinion. Although, yes this is just one class and this is just one instance, it sounds to me that FH has done this throughout his past and may continue to do so in the future. What happens when your finances are combined and he pays the family car payment late? I would say that these are issues you should work out before walking down the aisle. If he forgets plans you made, what if he forgets to pick up the kids? These are all indications that if this is not nipped in the bud it could be an issue once you have started a family. So I don't think you overreacted. I think you are exactly right. I truly hope you can sit down and work this out with FH tonight. I don't mean to be a debbie downer. I am sure everything will work out and you will live happily ever after, but I truly do feel these issues need to be resolved prior to that happily ever after part. I hope I helped!! Let me know if you need anything!

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Posted by BarbieGrl10

He has always had really bad time management skills (and this is one of the two things that really bothers me about him) but it's never effected things as big as him failing a course. Things like asking him to get addresses for our engagement party invites takes 3 weeks, he pays his car payment late, and he constantly forgets our plans.

My FH is the same way... and I'm the exact opposite. But I think thats something we can help each other out with.
I give him the motivation when he needs it and he'll settle me down when I'm being too anal (LOL) about something.

I understand your point about not wanting to do EVERYTHING. I think its just a tough time right now and I'm sure it will blow over after you guys talk rationally. If he doesn't finish his degree on time then you shouldn't let that effect your plans.
Also.... He can take full college courses on-line if its maybe a psychological thing. Its a little more intense but the courses are quicker. So that might be best for the both of you.
FM me if you would like more information on it.

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Last night my mom mentioned classes online. Have you ever taken them before? I think for FH his chief concern is making sure he can take the class at a good time because of work, and making sure he has time to finish the assignments. Do you know if they're flexible at all as far as when they are offered and how much time you have to complete them in?

you both just need to cool off and talk without saying things just to upset each other. maybe he was just looking for some support after failing his class. i'm sure on some level he feels bad about it. he should learn to manage his time better especially if you're getting married soon and will be preparing to start a family eventually. he should take into consideration that he's pushing back your degree but you gotta do what you gotta do regardless of his schedule. my FH tells me that he doesn't have any say in the wedding as well but when i designate him for a job it doesn't get done. hence why i'm doing it all myself. you may be pushing him too hard and he may need to realize it himself, like when you're working on your PhD he may realize that he needs to get on track.

i also get scared about the future cause my FH work ALL THE TIME. i don't give him a hard time but all i ask for is evenings after 8pm and sundays when the stores are closed. at times i cant even get that and i worry that when we have kids, he may neglect his family cause of work.

i'm sure things will work out, they always do. smile, it's beautiful out today.

I took them. And it was the best thing I ever did!

They give you a date to be finished by with your class. Its usually about 2 months. you can speed it up if you want but its honestly a lot of work as it is.
You can log on and watch lectures anytime you want. In my classes we had to take a test every week by Sunday, we could do it earlier if we wanted though. It was perfect for me at the time b/c I was working 1 full time job, 1 part time job and going to school.

They send you all the books you need. And they put the course lectures on DVDs so you can watch them at any time.
What I really liked about it is that now I still have all my lectures and books.

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Posted by Jsquared279

I don't want to upset you when I say this, but I want to be honest with you. You are not overreacting at all in my opinion. Although, yes this is just one class and this is just one instance, it sounds to me that FH has done this throughout his past and may continue to do so in the future. What happens when your finances are combined and he pays the family car payment late? I would say that these are issues you should work out before walking down the aisle. If he forgets plans you made, what if he forgets to pick up the kids? These are all indications that if this is not nipped in the bud it could be an issue once you have started a family. So I don't think you overreacted. I think you are exactly right. I truly hope you can sit down and work this out with FH tonight. I don't mean to be a debbie downer. I am sure everything will work out and you will live happily ever after, but I truly do feel these issues need to be resolved prior to that happily ever after part. I hope I helped!! Let me know if you need anything!

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Thanks. These things are real concerns for me, I love FH and I want to be with him no matter what, I just feel like I don't want this to be a growing issue between us and blow up in my face later on in life when it's something really important like mortgage payments, or things with the kids.

I think what I'm really concerned about is the best way to broach it with FH. He has a lot of personal/family issues and his main reason why he's like this is because he never had a good role model to show him the way. The last time I tried to mention this to him (in the context of my wanting help with the wedding planning) he got really upset because he felt ****** about himself. I don't want to make him feel horrible because that's what his parents have always done.

God help me for saying this, but FH is a lot like my dad. My dad didn't have role models and he's a better dad now only because it requires less effort and he had no idea how to be a father when we were little. My mom used to yell at him all the time for obvious things like leaving me home alone when I was 6 and had the flu because he had errands to run, or forgetting to tell my mom where I was when I was a teenager. FH is a lot more together than my dad is, but I don't want to have one more child to look after.

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Posted by BarbieGrl10

I took them. And it was the best thing I ever did!

They give you a date to be finished by with your class. Its usually about 2 months. you can speed it up if you want but its honestly a lot of work as it is.
You can log on and watch lectures anytime you want. In my classes we had to take a test every week by Sunday, we could do it earlier if we wanted though. It was perfect for me at the time b/c I was working 1 full time job, 1 part time job and going to school.

They send you all the books you need. And they put the course lectures on DVDs so you can watch them at any time.
What I really liked about it is that now I still have all my lectures and books.

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Did you go to an online school or take online courses offered by a school with a real campus?

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Posted by vicky1125

you both just need to cool off and talk without saying things just to upset each other. maybe he was just looking for some support after failing his class. i'm sure on some level he feels bad about it. he should learn to manage his time better especially if you're getting married soon and will be preparing to start a family eventually. he should take into consideration that he's pushing back your degree but you gotta do what you gotta do regardless of his schedule. my FH tells me that he doesn't have any say in the wedding as well but when i designate him for a job it doesn't get done. hence why i'm doing it all myself. you may be pushing him too hard and he may need to realize it himself, like when you're working on your PhD he may realize that he needs to get on track.

i also get scared about the future cause my FH work ALL THE TIME. i don't give him a hard time but all i ask for is evenings after 8pm and sundays when the stores are closed. at times i cant even get that and i worry that when we have kids, he may neglect his family cause of work.

i'm sure things will work out, they always do. smile, it's beautiful out today.

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Thanks. Your situation with FH and planning is exactly where we are. When he wasn't working he helped me with churches and limos, which was a big help because it was two things I could care less about, but it's the dumb little stuff now that adds up and I need taken care of that he can't do. Glad to know I'm not alone on this one.

I hope you work through with your FH and work. In his mind he's probably just doing what he needs to do to make money and take care of you. I told FH a long time ago, money makes things nicer, but I need someone who can emotionally take care of me.

you're lucky!! FH won't even pick the limo out. that's why i love our best man. he's been so helpful, anything i need i can call him for. he picked out our favors, flowers, and invite's with me. plus got me a discount on all those.

i know we will work through his work stuff eventually and i know he's trying to build a life for us but, like you said, i also need him in other ways. he is there for me but he's very stressed out cause they're his businesses so i just want him to relax on his time off.

like i said, i'm sure your FH will realize it sooner then later. remember, guys take longer to mature. he'll come around.

Awwww... if you need to talk please FM me. Don't worry you'll get through this

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Posted by aimerlena01

I'm just not clear on why you are waiting to go to school? If he is doing (or not doing) what he needs to get through school...how come you aren't at the same time? I think you can start by taking on line classes. This way you won't have to put your school on hold. Maybe when you are doing it and he sees it can be done...he'll want to excel as well.

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It's a little bit different for me. Right now I'm finishing up my masters, I'll be done with my last class next Fall. I want to get a PhD in clinical psychology and it's a lot like going to Med School in the sense that you can only start in the Fall because you have a pre-planned out schedule of doing things. Classes + Internship + Externship + Teaching + Research + Dissertation. I can't take a class online because it's just not possible. And It's kind of a full time job to get a Clinical Psych PhD.

We're waiting to save a little bit of money before I go since other than TA-ing I won't have any source of income. There will be loans and small chances of scholarships, but for what I want to study there isn't much out there in grant money. Plus we will have to move and he would transfer to a school in the area and also have a better chance of finding a new job because he would have some college under his belt.

I don't think you're over reacting. Once the two of you cool down just say that you want to talk about the other night and you don't want to argue. From personal experience I usually write down things that I want to discuss because I usually sit there and say I should have said this or I wanted to address this, so I don't forget anything. Or write him a letter telling him how you feel, and sit there when he is reading it. I'm sure things will smooth over after it's all discussed. My FH said that I can plan the whole thing, whatever I want to do is fine with him. And when I started to ask him about things he was like why are you doing this I don't want that. So I reminded him what he said and he told me not to ask him anymore. So I'm doing whatever I want except one thing . But I really can't do anything about it. Hope this helped GL!

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Posted by vicky1125

you're lucky!! FH won't even pick the limo out. that's why i love our best man. he's been so helpful, anything i need i can call him for. he picked out our favors, flowers, and invite's with me. plus got me a discount on all those.

i know we will work through his work stuff eventually and i know he's trying to build a life for us but, like you said, i also need him in other ways. he is there for me but he's very stressed out cause they're his businesses so i just want him to relax on his time off.

like i said, i'm sure your FH will realize it sooner then later. remember, guys take longer to mature. he'll come around.

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Lol so true!

What does your FH do?

Did you go to an online school or take online courses offered by a school with a real campus?

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I was lucky.. the University I wanted to go to offered online classes!!! So it was awesome!
I took them at St. Leo's University in Tampa FL.

A lot of Schools now are doing online courses.

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Posted by BarbieGrl10


Did you go to an online school or take online courses offered by a school with a real campus?

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I was lucky.. the University I wanted to go to offered online classes!!! So it was awesome!
I took them at St. Leo's University in Tampa FL.

A lot of Schools now are doing online courses.

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how long did it take you? I was looking into the University of Phoenix but they only have a 4% grad rate and I've read bad things about them.

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Posted by NickandTara426

From personal experience I usually write down things that I want to discuss because I usually sit there and say I should have said this or I wanted to address this, so I don't forget anything. Or write him a letter telling him how you feel, and sit there when he is reading it.

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That's a good idea, maybe I'll try that. When I'm the heat of the moment I always say the wrong thing.