So last night FH and I got into a really big fight. Incredibly long story shorter, he just went back to school and failed his first course back because he got too overwhelmed and didn't hand in his final paper.
He has always had really bad time management skills (and this is one of the two things that really bothers me about him) but it's never effected things as big as him failing a course. Things like asking him to get addresses for our engagement party invites takes 3 weeks, he pays his car payment late, and he constantly forgets our plans. Even his last job yelled at him several times for having poor time management. I've been worried about it for awhile, but now because of this class I'm afraid this is going to be an on-going thing.
When he told me he was like 'Well, it's just one course and I'll retake it and it'll be fine.' But he totally failed to see that he wasted $450, and that having to take the course over again is pushing my school schedule back (I'm going to get my PhD in a couple of years and I'm waiting to go until he can finish his Associates. My program only starts in the fall so if he has to wait a semester to graduate that pushes me back a whole year and things like when he gets is BA, we have kids, and where we live and buy a house are dependent on me getting through my PhD in a reasonable amount of time). I told him I can't wait for him because by the time I start my degree it'll be 10 years in the making and I can't put off something that I've wanted for so long anymore. I won't even start my career (which I've wanted since high school) until I'm 30. He's more important to me than my career, but I can't just give it up so he can f- around trying to get his associates. He said that my school is more important than his, but I also think it's really important that he get his BA eventually because he has ideas of what he wants to do with his life, but none of them are possible if he doesn't have a degree. I want him to be able to say 'This i what I want to be' and be able to do that and not settle just because he didn't go to school. Plus I look at my parents, aunts and uncles, and the people who didn't get degrees struggled with their finances (even to this day) and I don't want to be the sole bread winner and living paycheck to paycheck. He lost his job two months ago and he got lucky when he got another job so quickly, but everything he wanted to do required higher degrees and if he didn't get this job he has now, he probably would still be looking.
When I tried to explain all of this, on top of being really disappointed because we were on the phone all the time because due to personal reasons it was a struggle to get through the class and he constantly needed moral support. I feel like after all the effort I put forth trying to help him, he really let me down. And the fact that he was like 'it's not a big deal I'll just retake it' and he doesn't see how I think it is a big deal.
I admit that the way I explained to him the part about time management and not being sure if I could rely on him wasn't the best. It was probably really emasculating, and I'm totally pro-women and taking care of myself, I just want our partnership to be equal and I'd like to not have to do EVERYTHING in our relationship from paying the bills to picking up our kids and juggling every other aspect of our lives because he can't.
And because what I said I know he took hard, he came back at me and basically said I'm trying to control every aspect of the wedding planning and not giving him any voice in the process. Which he knows is not true, he just said it because he knew it would really upset me.
I know this is the kind of thing that I'm totally over reacting about, in the long run it's really not going to matter that much, and I can get over it, I just feel really let down and I'm afraid this is how it's always going to be.
We're supposed to hang out tonight and I have no idea how to resolve this.
MrsInglima
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Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
Posted by WinterGrl09
Awwww... if you need to talk please FM me. Don't worry you'll get through this
Thanks, I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!
BarbieGrl10
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Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
It took me 3 years. It just depends on how much you put into it.
MrsInglima
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Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
Posted by BarbieGrl10
It took me 3 years. It just depends on how much you put into it.
Did you get a BA or an AA?
Jsquared279
Posted:
Member since
Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
Posted by MrsInglima
Posted by Jsquared279
I don't want to upset you when I say this, but I want to be honest with you. You are not overreacting at all in my opinion. Although, yes this is just one class and this is just one instance, it sounds to me that FH has done this throughout his past and may continue to do so in the future. What happens when your finances are combined and he pays the family car payment late? I would say that these are issues you should work out before walking down the aisle. If he forgets plans you made, what if he forgets to pick up the kids? These are all indications that if this is not nipped in the bud it could be an issue once you have started a family. So I don't think you overreacted. I think you are exactly right. I truly hope you can sit down and work this out with FH tonight. I don't mean to be a debbie downer. I am sure everything will work out and you will live happily ever after, but I truly do feel these issues need to be resolved prior to that happily ever after part. I hope I helped!! Let me know if you need anything!
Thanks. These things are real concerns for me, I love FH and I want to be with him no matter what, I just feel like I don't want this to be a growing issue between us and blow up in my face later on in life when it's something really important like mortgage payments, or things with the kids.
I think what I'm really concerned about is the best way to broach it with FH. He has a lot of personal/family issues and his main reason why he's like this is because he never had a good role model to show him the way. The last time I tried to mention this to him (in the context of my wanting help with the wedding planning) he got really upset because he felt ****** about himself. I don't want to make him feel horrible because that's what his parents have always done.
God help me for saying this, but FH is a lot like my dad. My dad didn't have role models and he's a better dad now only because it requires less effort and he had no idea how to be a father when we were little. My mom used to yell at him all the time for obvious things like leaving me home alone when I was 6 and had the flu because he had errands to run, or forgetting to tell my mom where I was when I was a teenager. FH is a lot more together than my dad is, but I don't want to have one more child to look after.
I think it is going to work out for the best tonight! I know you will be able to talk sensibly to FH because you are a sensible person. I am sure he is not loving the fact that he has these shortcomings (we all have shortcomings) And that he will want to make some adjustments. You will be in my prayers tonight!
Jsquared279
Posted:
Member since
Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
Posted by MrsInglima
Posted by Jsquared279
I don't want to upset you when I say this, but I want to be honest with you. You are not overreacting at all in my opinion. Although, yes this is just one class and this is just one instance, it sounds to me that FH has done this throughout his past and may continue to do so in the future. What happens when your finances are combined and he pays the family car payment late? I would say that these are issues you should work out before walking down the aisle. If he forgets plans you made, what if he forgets to pick up the kids? These are all indications that if this is not nipped in the bud it could be an issue once you have started a family. So I don't think you overreacted. I think you are exactly right. I truly hope you can sit down and work this out with FH tonight. I don't mean to be a debbie downer. I am sure everything will work out and you will live happily ever after, but I truly do feel these issues need to be resolved prior to that happily ever after part. I hope I helped!! Let me know if you need anything!
Thanks. These things are real concerns for me, I love FH and I want to be with him no matter what, I just feel like I don't want this to be a growing issue between us and blow up in my face later on in life when it's something really important like mortgage payments, or things with the kids.
I think what I'm really concerned about is the best way to broach it with FH. He has a lot of personal/family issues and his main reason why he's like this is because he never had a good role model to show him the way. The last time I tried to mention this to him (in the context of my wanting help with the wedding planning) he got really upset because he felt ****** about himself. I don't want to make him feel horrible because that's what his parents have always done.
God help me for saying this, but FH is a lot like my dad. My dad didn't have role models and he's a better dad now only because it requires less effort and he had no idea how to be a father when we were little. My mom used to yell at him all the time for obvious things like leaving me home alone when I was 6 and had the flu because he had errands to run, or forgetting to tell my mom where I was when I was a teenager. FH is a lot more together than my dad is, but I don't want to have one more child to look after.
I think it is going to work out for the best tonight! I know you will be able to talk sensibly to FH because you are a sensible person. I am sure he is not loving the fact that he has these shortcomings (we all have shortcomings) And that he will want to make some adjustments. You will be in my prayers tonight!
Jsquared279
Posted:
Member since
Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
Posted by MrsInglima
Posted by Jsquared279
I don't want to upset you when I say this, but I want to be honest with you. You are not overreacting at all in my opinion. Although, yes this is just one class and this is just one instance, it sounds to me that FH has done this throughout his past and may continue to do so in the future. What happens when your finances are combined and he pays the family car payment late? I would say that these are issues you should work out before walking down the aisle. If he forgets plans you made, what if he forgets to pick up the kids? These are all indications that if this is not nipped in the bud it could be an issue once you have started a family. So I don't think you overreacted. I think you are exactly right. I truly hope you can sit down and work this out with FH tonight. I don't mean to be a debbie downer. I am sure everything will work out and you will live happily ever after, but I truly do feel these issues need to be resolved prior to that happily ever after part. I hope I helped!! Let me know if you need anything!
Thanks. These things are real concerns for me, I love FH and I want to be with him no matter what, I just feel like I don't want this to be a growing issue between us and blow up in my face later on in life when it's something really important like mortgage payments, or things with the kids.
I think what I'm really concerned about is the best way to broach it with FH. He has a lot of personal/family issues and his main reason why he's like this is because he never had a good role model to show him the way. The last time I tried to mention this to him (in the context of my wanting help with the wedding planning) he got really upset because he felt ****** about himself. I don't want to make him feel horrible because that's what his parents have always done.
God help me for saying this, but FH is a lot like my dad. My dad didn't have role models and he's a better dad now only because it requires less effort and he had no idea how to be a father when we were little. My mom used to yell at him all the time for obvious things like leaving me home alone when I was 6 and had the flu because he had errands to run, or forgetting to tell my mom where I was when I was a teenager. FH is a lot more together than my dad is, but I don't want to have one more child to look after.
I think it is going to work out for the best tonight! I know you will be able to talk sensibly to FH because you are a sensible person. I am sure he is not loving the fact that he has these shortcomings (we all have shortcomings) And that he will want to make some adjustments. You will be in my prayers tonight!
redvelvet
Posted:
Member since
Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
he sounds a lil like my fh. we had a similar situation that involved a promotion and he didn't make it b/c of a lack of time mgmnt skils and will power. i did my best to motivate him (which he asked me to do) but in the end he didnt make the list. i was very disappointed for a short while. i had to come to terms with the fact that he is not self-motivated like me and prob never will be. he had dismissed the whole thing with indifference, which really upset me. blah blah blah.... i totally hear ya !
i wish you good luck with resolving any tensions u guys can work this out.
FuTuRe MrS MaZz
Posted:
Member since
Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
If he isnt a school person (which it just seems like) then he doesnt have to go that route... FH barely got his associates and only did so because he wanted to become a cop.... Hes much better off where he is now... going through a temp agency that put him into cablevision and he loves it and it has nothing to do with his degree
BarbieGrl10
Posted:
Member since
Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
Posted by MrsInglima
Posted by BarbieGrl10
It took me 3 years. It just depends on how much you put into it.
Did you get a BA or an AA?
BA I already had an AA from a different university that I attended.
BarbieGrl10
Posted:
Member since
Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz
If he isnt a school person (which it just seems like) then he doesnt have to go that route... FH barely got his associates and only did so because he wanted to become a cop.... Hes much better off where he is now... going through a temp agency that put him into cablevision and he loves it and it has nothing to do with his degree
My cousin works for cablevision!
FuTuRe MrS MaZz
Posted:
Member since
Re: FH and I got into a really big fight last night.
Posted by BarbieGrl10
Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz
If he isnt a school person (which it just seems like) then he doesnt have to go that route... FH barely got his associates and only did so because he wanted to become a cop.... Hes much better off where he is now... going through a temp agency that put him into cablevision and he loves it and it has nothing to do with his degree
My cousin works for cablevision!
FH actually works for optimum lightpath so he handles the big businesses... hes working his way up to becomin a sales rep which is sooo good for him b/c he will chew your damn ear off
