FH doesn't want to meet officiant

TrueLoveIn2008 Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:29 PM

FH doesn't want to meet officiant

Is anyone having this problem? I mentioned to FH this weekend that we had to start thinking about an officiant and that all of them will want to meet us at least once, and he was like, uh-uh. I am not talking to anyone. We are not getting married in a church because he doesn't want anything religious, and the ceremony probably won't have many references at all to anything religious. He is shy when it comes to his personal feelings, and I can understand why he doesn't want to talk to anyone about how he feels about me, or marriage, etc. But I don't know how we are going to have a meaningful ceremony without there being some personal info in it. I don't want a justice of the peace. He said he 'might' be ok with emailing the officiant to give info about our relationship.

Does anyone have any suggestions? If anyone has an officiant that doesn't require a meeting, or works via email ... please recommend! If anyone's FH is the same way, I'd love to hear from you too!!!!

TIA!

AMGBride2008 Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:37 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

A few people I know who use officiants e-mailed them regarding the relationship and how they feel about the SO... I think that's OK... but I do think that your FH should meet with the person even if it's just reiterate the things he doesn't want in the cermemony.

TJ22908 Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:38 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

When we meet with the officiant he really didn't ask us any personal questions, I don't remember much of what he asked us so it couldn't have been that important! He gave us some info packets to pick from for the wedding readings and such and now we have to meet with him 2 weeks before the wedding to hand in the info and give him our marriage liscense but so far nothing to personal so your FH shouldn't be too worried about that

PreshusSmurf Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:40 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

I don't recall our officiant asking us any thing really personal about our relationship ... just sort of the basics, like how long we'd been together, etc.

Our ceremony was interfaith, and I was a little jittery about our meeting with the Priest b/c I had never actually met a Priest in person and didn't know how the interfaith thing was going to go over with him (even though I had heard wonderful things about him, and we even knew a couple who had used him for their ceremony).

A little nervous or jittery is one thing ... but refusing to meet with any officiants is another thing entirely .... I think your FH needs to get over it, its just part of the process of getting married.

madseason Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:47 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

Posted by PreshusSmurf

A little nervous or jittery is one thing ... but refusing to meet with any officiants is another thing entirely .... I think your FH needs to get over it, its just part of the process of getting married.

I agree....out of the respect to the officiant too, he/she is going tobe marrying you! FH should mee tthe officiant....mine has never asked us any personal questions.... we do premarital counseling...and he never went too far with us....FH and I took it far wahen talking with him, bc we are comfortable..

But more importantly, the meeting i feel is necessary so the officiant can get a feel and impression for who he or she is marrying, u kno?

yelley77 Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:50 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

It's common to not want to share details of your most intimate relationship, but he has to understand that the officiant just wants to get a sense of how you are as a couple so that the words he/she speaks during the ceremony are meaningful to the two of you and not just generic words. IMO it's prolly one of the most important things to meet with the person who is performing the most important service at your wedding. Maybe you should try talking to him again

TrueLoveIn2008 Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:52 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

Thanks all.

All of the weddings I have been to have been at a church or have been officiated by a rabbi and priest - and the ones I remember fondly are those officiated by one particular deacon. My sister was married by this deacon, and he likes to talk to both the bride and groom separately so that he can say a nice little thing about what each of them said about the other - and usually it matches up well. I like this. While the info isn't too personal, it may be hard to my FH to share his feelings about how he feels about me, so I'm ok with it being a little less personal - but I do want the officiant to feel like he knows us and knows why we love each other so much, and why we are getting married. FH would like a very dry, simple, short ceremony - and while I am getting A LOT of what I want (he really just wanted to elope, doesn't like being the center of attention AT ALL and didn't want a big wedding), I feel like this is something I need to concede on a bit - give him more of what he wants - but I also need it to be somewhat personal.

I guess I will just have to ask around about what kinds of things the officiants I speak with usually discuss in their ceremonies. I do also need to talk to my FH a bit more and explain that while we don't have to get very personal, he will need to come with me to see officiants to tell them a little about us and to make sure he likes the person we ultimately choose. I guess I can go to first meetings without him to make sure *I* like them, and then bring him only to meet those I really like.

skinny237 Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:54 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

Mine is the same way. Shy is the understatement of the year. Talking about feelings? Forget it! It was hard enough dragging him to dj and photo appts. Hmmm....Maybe 1 of your friends or family members can become an ordained minister online and marry you? I'm thinking about doing that myself. That way it's a lot more intimate (and hey....it'll save u $500!).

LoveRocks Posted: Feb 05, 2008 03:57 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

When we met our officiant, nothing too personal was discussed, but she did have us write 'essays' on why we were marrying each other and she incorporated what we wrote into our ceremony. We did a completely non-denominational ceremony at the RH, but it was really unique and special because we both shared our feelings with her and she got to know us personally. Its totally ok to be shy about your feelings, but getting married is the ultimate expression of your love and he has to communicate that with the officiant.

Honestly, I think its really important to meet the person who will be in charge of the MOST important part of your wedding.

TrueLoveIn2008 Posted: Feb 05, 2008 04:11 PM

Re: FH doesn't want to meet officiant

Posted by skinny237

Mine is the same way. Shy is the understatement of the year. Talking about feelings? Forget it! It was hard enough dragging him to dj and photo appts. Hmmm....Maybe 1 of your friends or family members can become an ordained minister online and marry you? I'm thinking about doing that myself. That way it's a lot more intimate (and hey....it'll save u $500!).

I have thought about this! It's not just the sharing of feelings with the officiant - it's that officiant using that info to talk about it at the ceremony and share it with EVERYONE there ... he doesn't want family knowing the things he feels about me, I guess. I know it sounds like he doens't want anyone to know he loves me and that is NOT the case. He is just shy about it all, feels it's between me and him, etc. I guess I can give up a little of the personal touch I wanted in my ceremony if he can at least go to a meeting, etc.

Everyone's been helpful - thanks!