Firing a BM?!?!?!

My best friend moved to Arizona a week before FH and I got engaged. We kind of had a pact where we knew we would be BMs in each others weddings if we ever got engaged, no matter how far away we are from each other. She is supposed to be coming back to NY to live, but now she just told me she will be living on some tropical island with her boyfriend for his job.

I constantly call her, text her, etc and literally never get a response. In the past week, this has happened at least 3 times, and each time, she will like a picture of mine on instagram about 5 minutes after I call or text her. It is driving me NUTS. I feel like I really can't rely on her. She constantly asks me to keep her updated, but how can I do that when she never responds to me?! I get nervous that when it comes time to get dresses and actually prepare for the wedding, she won't come through. I hate to say that, but I'd rather her just not be in my wedding instead of having the extra stress when the time rolls around.

Are any of you experiencing this? What would you do?!

Firing a BM?!?!?!

Yikes! I would definitely be open and honest with her. Let her know your concerns. For all you know it would be a relief for her with all that she has going on....

Firing a BM?!?!?!

I'm not so much experiencing this. I did tell my BMs that after July, I will need them to look for dresses. One of my BMs is graduating law school this spring and will be taking the bar in July. I don't think that my wedding is nearly as important as her studying and passing the bar.

Another bridesmaid (one of the 2 who live in the same city as me right now) will be student teaching next semester, so has to give up her job for a few months, and will only be making 60% of her salary for the year. She keeps making snide comments about how she won't be able to go away for a bachelorette party (I haven't even begun to think about that, so no mention has ever been made that I want to go away), and that she won't have any money for a dress (which I plan to keep under $200, less than she spends on a normal trip to Macy's), and she doesn't know how she's going to come up with a gift for me (which I've never asked for, and it makes me slightly uncomfortable to talk about).

I've basically told her this: I expect you to pay for a dress, get it ordered and altered in a timely fashion, participate in my bachelorette party and bridal shower (NOT necessarily pay for it), and have fun at my wedding. If you can't do those things, then you need to back out. If you commit to doing those things, you need to suck it up, keep your mouth shut, and smile.

I know it's tough, and these girls aren't nearly as excited or stressed as we are, and they don't see the big deal if something doesn't go exactly how we planned in our heads. But she needs to realize that she's making you feel anxious about her. Maybe establishing e-mail communication will be easier for her to contact you. That way, you can keep her informed and updated, and she won't make you feel like you're not being heard.

I know you are probably extremely stressed, but my opinion has always been that unless you were ready to walk away from the friendship before you got engaged, there aren't a lot of things that should cause you to end a friendship over something wedding related (unless she doesn't show up or sleeps with your fiance or wears white or gets drunk and tells everyone you're preggo or something).

Firing a BM?!?!?!

One of my BMs moved to Florida in January and another is moving to Virginia in May. I really want them in my wedding even though they are kinda far and it's a total inconvenience for them. I asked my BM in Florida to get measured and I ordered her dress for her to make it easier... She is gonna pay me next time I see her. Also, as part of her BM gift, I am paying for her hair and makeup bc the flight here and back is a big enough expense as it is. Sometimes I feel really sad that she can't participate in a lot of stuff (she missed the eparty and will prob miss the shower). We don't talk much right now bc she is SO busy with the move but I really love her and as long as she is there day of, I am happy.

Firing a BM?!?!?!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would try and talk to her and ask her honestly if she thinks that with her moving and being so far away if she can still fulfill her duties as a BM. I would preface it by saying how much you really want her to be there but you just want to make sure she is up for the task since it's more involved than you had originally thought.

My MOH lives in another state and so does FSIL (a bridesmaid) and it's really frustrating sometimes so I know how you feel.

Firing a BM?!?!?!

I was a BM in my cousin's wedding back in 2005 and she lives in Florida. I wasn't able to be a part of any of the planning or celebrations prior to the wedding, except the rehearsal dinner, but she was well aware of that and was fine with it because we were always very close growing up so she wanted me to be a part of the wedding no matter what. At the end of the day it depends on how you feel about her not being able to participate.

Re: Firing a BM?!?!?!

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Posted by Soon2BeMrsPy

Yikes! I would definitely be open and honest with her. Let her know your concerns. For all you know it would be a relief for her with all that she has going on....

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Re: Firing a BM?!?!?!

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Posted by ladygoodman

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Posted by Soon2BeMrsPy

Yikes! I would definitely be open and honest with her. Let her know your concerns. For all you know it would be a relief for her with all that she has going on....

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I also agree with this. I think it really depends on when on what you are expecting of your BMs and what they are expecting for themselves. I would definitively talk to her, she might be relieved and graciously bow out. Or you could have a heart to heart and figure out what her role of BM is going to be. Either way, good luck!

Firing a BM?!?!?!

Thanks for all of your advice, ladies. If only she would respond to one of the calls or texts I've placed to her I'd be able to chat with her about it. Ugh, so frustrating! I know it'll work out either way though

Firing a BM?!?!?!

I have no experience with this, however I think you should figure out a way to tell her the concerns you are having, but I am not sure I'd kick her out unless you are ready to possibly lose a friend over this. There is a chance she could be insulted or hurt and it could effect your friendship. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Firing a BM?!?!?!

Yikes! I would sit her down and talk to her (if you can even get her on the phone for 5 minutes) and just explain how you're feeling. She's obviously important enough for you to have asked her in the first place!

Firing a BM?!?!?!

I have no experience with this... in fact we chose to only have a MOH and a BM BECAUSE of these reasons!! My advice? Talk to her... even if it is in an email since she is not responding much otherwise. That could even be a part of the email, explaining how you would have loved to say all this over the phone, but you haven't heard from her.

Just try not to put all of the blame on her with 'you did this, you didn't do that'... that always makes people feel attacked. Instead just let her know how much you truly miss the equal friendship you guys once had. The conversation shouldn't even have to do with your wedding, this is a friendship that is starting to break up and THAT is the main problem here! HTH!