FMIL - How would you deal?

Okkkk ladies so I have to blow off some steam, because quite frankly I'm getting to the point where I've had enough!

My FMIL is a very good person, and is very kind hearted, but sometimes goes about things the wrong way(I think).

She does not like FH's SIL, yet feels guilty for all of the things FSIL missed out on. Her and FH's brother had wedding plans, but she got pregnant, so they had a 'shotgun' wedding and no one knew until four days before. (This was 10 years ago now). She never had a shower or received any gifts, etc.

So anyway, anytime FMIL wants to buy us something or wants to do something nice, it is always 'a secret' and we are not allowed to tell anyone. For example, she started a collection of Lenox Christmas china for us, but we can't say anything, and she says how she now needs to start a collection for FBIL & FSIL. When we were dress shopping for one of my BMs and FMIL's dresses, it was 'FSIL had the most beautiful gown but she never got to wear it' and so on. Like, almost making me feel guilty about it. I don't think it's intentional, but still...

So today, I get a message from her saying that she wants to buy us a kitchen aid mixer for our shower, yet it is a secret, we can't tell anyone. She wants to know what color we would like, then goes on to say that she wants to buy a red one for FBIL & FSIL for their anniversary 'being as though they had a shotgun wedding with no shower or gifts.'

First off, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with us that they did not have a shower and FMIL didn't throw them one. Secondly, if you want to buy them something, just do it! Why do I need to hear about it? If you want to get them something, I am in no way going to be offended or hold it against her. I just get upset when everything always has to be secretive and I constantly have to hear what they did or didn't get, or didn't get to do. Not only that, but why would you want to put the responsibility on someone of keeping track of what they can and cannot talk about? And if she wants to buy them an anniversary gift, then get them something that is unique to them, that they will both enjoy - not something just because she's buying it for us. (She is not a baking/kitchen type person).

So if anyone is still reading, THANK YOU haha! How would you deal with this? Just brush it off? Or kindly say something to FMIL? I do not want to feel guilty about everything we do or receive because FBIl & FSIL chose a different path for themselves.

I hope I did not come across snotty by any means...ANY advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated! :D

You are definitely NOT being snotty. How come you have to keep it a secret what she's buying for your shower? What's the big deal? I don't really get that.

Maybe you can find a way to let her know that you're not really comfortable with keeping secrets from people, and ask her why it needs to be a secret. As for buying FBIL/FSIL the same gift, if you know that she's not going to use a particular gift, you could always tell FMIL just that and maybe suggest a gift that you know she WOULD love.

It's not right of her to still bring up the fact that your FBIL had a shotgun wedding 10 years ago. That was the path they chose and everything worked out just fine it seems. She has another son who is going to have a 'real' wedding so she should be focusing on that.

Good luck!

Thank you for your input! I don't understand much of it myself.

Whatever she wants to buy them for their anniversary is her business, but I would much rather see her give them something that they would love, not just a gift because she's buying it for us.

I am still thinking of a way to tactfully tell her that while I appreciate everything she does/wants to do for us, I don't want to feel guilty about it and I certainly don't want to have to be a secret keeper... ugh!

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Posted by SunsetBride2013

Thank you for your input! I don't understand much of it myself.

Whatever she wants to buy them for their anniversary is her business, but I would much rather see her give them something that they would love, not just a gift because she's buying it for us.

I am still thinking of a way to tactfully tell her that while I appreciate everything she does/wants to do for us, I don't want to feel guilty about it and I certainly don't want to have to be a secret keeper... ugh!

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I would say just this. Obviously take deep breaths and speak kindly as best you can. Hopefully FMIL will feel a weight lifted because she doesn't need to continue being sneaky. Also, once you speak with FMIL, maybe have a conversation with FSIL just to clear the air. Hopefully she is not jealous or upset about what's being done for you. Perhaps your relationship with both of them will be stronger because of your honesty.

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Posted by adele and mark 2013
I would say just this. Obviously take deep breaths and speak kindly as best you can. Hopefully FMIL will feel a weight lifted because she doesn't need to continue being sneaky. Also, once you speak with FMIL, maybe have a conversation with FSIL just to clear the air. Hopefully she is not jealous or upset about what's being done for you. Perhaps your relationship with both of them will be stronger because of your honesty.

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Now that I am thinking of it, I think you hit on something with the jealousy thing. FSIL did not have a great childhood and is VERY insecure, and is socially awkward at times (stares and makes faces)... my FILs don't care for her too much and I think my FMIL feels bad for that because her and I have such a good relationship.

We are paying for our entire wedding, so it's not like his parents are helping us and didn't offer to help them. Then, I could understand - to a point - but again, however everything turned out is what FBIL & FSIL chose for themselves, and whatever my FILs did or didn't do for them at time was their decision.

I hate to sound selfish, but I would just like to focus on our wedding and I wish everyone could be happy for us instead of making FBIL & FSIL the focus of everything!

It sounds like your FMIL is feeling guilty because she likes you and wants to support you and FH - but didn't do it for FSIL. Talking to you about it and keeping it 'secret,' might be her way of dealing with the guilt. I'd let it slide. It's not like FSIL is making you give her a list of all the stuff FMIL gave you (right? I hope not!) So keeping it 'a secret,' probably isn't a big deal. If she ever asks where you got something from, just say 'it's a gift from the shower/wedding.'

You've obviously done nothing wrong and should not feel guilty. I wouldn't bring anything up to FMIL though - it just sounds like she's harboring a lot of guilt about something from 10 years ago. It's not something I would be brave enough to bring up a few months before my wedding.

Lisa - thank you! I think you're right... I'm just going to let it slide. No sense in bringing it up, especially when it's not intentional or malicious on her part. I just wish FMIL would stop feeling so guilty about everything!

I just keep hoping it'll settle down some, because I can't really stand it too much longer haha. I try to let it go as much as possible, but sometimes its hard to do so :-\

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Posted by SunsetBride2013

Lisa - thank you! I think you're right... I'm just going to let it slide. No sense in bringing it up, especially when it's not intentional or malicious on her part. I just wish FMIL would stop feeling so guilty about everything!

I just keep hoping it'll settle down some, because I can't really stand it too much longer haha. I try to let it go as much as possible, but sometimes its hard to do so :-\

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I totally understand that. We're also having some issues with FBIL and his fiance looking for attention. Try not to let it get to you and don't feel guilty! I hope things get better!

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Posted by 2013loverofmine

This sounds like a tough problem! *hugs*

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Thank you so much!

Lisa - I can totally sympathize with you on that! We just have to keep our heads up and look at the big picture and not let anyone take our joy away! <3 Hope it gets better for you, too!

You are absolutely right! I'd much rather take the high road ;)

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Posted by kdkaboom38

you may want to kick the secret keeping in the butt or it will continue during the marriage

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Having a calm conversation is not taking the low road. It's actually quite the mature thing to do, facing something head on and in a calm, mature manner as opposed to 'sucking it up.' That doesn't seem fair to anyone. You're right, kdkaboom38, it may continue into the marriage if something isn't said now.

The only reason I was thinking of 'sucking it up' was because I didn't want to seem petty or like I am 'attacking' her. I should be able to tell her how this makes me feel, and she should be receptive to my feelings.

I hope for the best in that it won't continue, but you're right, it is very highly likely that it will continue into our marriage. I would very much like to nip it in the bud. Although not intentional, I still get the brunt of everything, and it's just really not fair. We'll see :)

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Posted by SunsetBride2013

The only reason I was thinking of 'sucking it up' was because I didn't want to seem petty or like I am 'attacking' her. I should be able to tell her how this makes me feel, and she should be receptive to my feelings.

I hope for the best in that it won't continue, but you're right, it is very highly likely that it will continue into our marriage. I would very much like to nip it in the bud. Although not intentional, I still get the brunt of everything, and it's just really not fair. We'll see :)

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You're absolutely right, you should be able to speak with her without hurting her feelings. You should not have to feel this way during what's supposed to be a very happy, exciting time in all of your lives.

Thank you <3

You are not being snotty at all! It's a tough situation to be in...cuz why should you feel guilty about the happiest event in your life (YOUR WEDDING)

I don't think FMIL is doing it intentionally either but that would eventually get to me also!

It's easier said than done but JUST breathe...she may not see it but she is doing alot for FSIL and FBIL by spoiling the grandchild so she should lay off the comments a little...

Maybe talk to her in private about how you feel? Is she an understanding woman?