FMIL not coming to wedding

Well my story is long but I need to vent. All of you who think your FMIL is tough to deal with - listen to this.
I got engaged in early May. Fi and I called his family and they were very happy. Two weeks later we asked them for dates they would be available and FMIL got sooo mad. FI family lives 10,000 miles away in South Africa and we have always said we'd have two weddings. FMIL was upset we were planning the wedding in my howetown before the one in near her. I said we were coming to visit her in a few weeks and since they do not plan weddings far in advance and weather is always perfect so every weekend is possible, it made sense to concentrate on the one in NYC for the moment.

She told my FI she did not want him to get married in a church and said if he converted, she'd disown him and not even allow him to come to her funeral. He was never thinking of converting.
We ironed that out and then she gave me three weekends for the NYC wedding. Christmas week, 4th of July or July 10. That's it! Most places we looked at were booked so it was irrelevant that neither my family nor I wanted a Christmas or July 4 wedding. We couldn't find anything. Finally, we found a venue in NYC to have a July 10 wedding. We called her with the good news and she said the flight was too long and she wasn't going to come anyway. End of story. Would not discuss it further.

We moved the wedding to July 24 because at least his brother and cousin could make it at that time. (I have always been flexible and made it clear july was not my first choice - but I had no real problem with it if it meant his family could come)

My FI just flew home this week and his mom said she wants the wedding in Africa to be July 9th. Well that is impossible. We were planning on going on our honeymoon after the South African wedding and I'd literally have to skip a honeymon to fly right back after the wedding. Who would follow up on invite responses, confirm with vendors, how would I get fitted for my dress?

The trip takes 24 hours and many family and friends of mine have said they'd like to come - but then they'd miss my wedding in NYC since they'd stay 2-3 weeks for vacation!! (This includes my parents and bridal party! I cannot ask them to pay $2000 and fly to the other side of the world and then be back for another wedding right after.

His mom is now not talking to him because he stood up for me and his family thinks we are inflexible.

I have tried to stick to the facts here but I'm obviously very emotional about this.

I feel bad for my FI but it has meant so much to me that he has stuck up for me. I explained that we can't go away for 2 weeks in July and have only one day home before the next wedding. (I have a very small family so it is just my mom and I doing all the work)

Sorry for the length. I want to be excited for my wedding but I just can't. I really think his family is trying to run my wedding in any way they can and I have no idea why. Our relationship was always very good.

I just want to give you sometimes, just because they are parents, doesn't mean tehy always do the right things..

how does FH feel about this?

i am sending you some hugs

i am so sorry to hear that your fmil is giving you a hard time. i hope everything works out!

Wow, I am so sorry to hear this...

Good luck, this is your wedding and you have already gone to tremendous efforts to make her happy. The only people you 'should' need to worry about being happy is you and you FH. As long as you both agree on this issue allow him to have the future contact with your FMIL and stand your ground.

Many mom's really like to control their son's lives. I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this.

Sending warms thought and Hugs!

I am sorry for all the headache that you and your FI are going through!

I think its great that your FI stood up for you. I think that you are doing the right thing, you tried to accomodate them, but now they are just acting childish!

Thanks for letting me vent. My feelings are so hurt because I really did whatever I could to get his parents here (we offered to pay for their flight and a 1-2 day stopover in London if a direct flight was too long and we'd pay for clothing and a hotel in addition to paying for the wedding they plan in South Africa since my parents are helping us here)
This was tough for us since my FI is an MBA student and I've been unemployed for over a year!
He was going to use his sign on bonus when he goes back to work to pay for all this. We both agreed money should be spent on family and this was a worthwhile way to spend any money we had.

OK, but this is not a pity party. Things are OK with us but if his mom could be a little flexible - it would really help us get through a tough time.
the only thing that keeps me calm is realizing that they can't have a wedding there without me so in the end - they have to do it when I can make it (I just don't want to get into a control issue here. I know we all have to compromise)

MY poor FI called today and said that he is locked in his room at his parents house because nobody is talking to him. He said he feels unwelcome in the home he grew up in. He only goes hom 1-2 times a year because of the trip cost and length so he is heartbroken. I've never met anyone more respectful to his parents so this is killing him.
THANKS FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT
YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!

My Fi is embarrassed and begged me not to tell any of our friends. He is 10,000 miles away and I'm having a tough time getting through this by myself.

Sounds to me like you're being completely reasonable - and fair! I don't think I could have written such a balanced post in your position. I think you're right to take comfort in the fact that your FI is sticking up for you. Ultimately, the most important part of all of this is that you'll be getting married, and it sounds like you have a terrific relationship.

I wonder, are there any relevant cultural differences between the US and South Africa that are messing things up here? This is a long shot, but are weddings maybe not such a big deal there, or is it a bigger deal for the groom's family than for the bride's family there (as opposed to here)? I know absolutely nothing about South Africa, but we are having an extremely multicultural wedding, and we've bumped up against a lot of 'issues' that have mostly to do with cultural preconceptions, etc. I've found that digging a little deeper and figuring out the source of the problem has enabled us to solve pretty much all the issues so far (but we'll see what happens). In any case, best of luck to you, we are all on your side - but, most importantly, your future husband is behind you!

it's a tough position, but this is your moment.. I don't want to take anything away from his parents, but it's not like yuo didn't TRY and compromise.. she didn't budge, so at least you can jut move on and know that you did what you could do..

who knows, only time will tell.. all I can say is that this is an amazing time for the both of you... enjoy it while it's here and savor every moment..

good luck!

i am sending you some

you are definately being reasonable and fair, and you tried to accomodate them alot! I think id probably just try and ignore the mother... since she's in another country anyways.. hugss to you

Wow I'm sorry you are going thru this - and you must have great patience -

wow....thats so sad that she can't be happy for you and has to cause so many problems - to you and fh....it is so difficult to deal with family sometimes....it'll work out one way or another, don't worry!

I just wanted to send out some

YOu have been MORE than responsable with his Family. I think that there is going on here than what FMIL is saying. I think she is angry because not your FI will never come back to Africa to live. She knows that she is going to miss her grandbabies growing up and I think that she is making it soooo impossible for you because IF he gets married she has lost him. He needs to talk to her about this (if I am right) and reassure her that she is not losing him and with the internet and digital cameras she will not miss a thing

If I am wrong then there is one other option if you are interested, is have 1 wedding a destination wedding somewhere neutral. There are girls on here getting married in Italy and it looks beautiful. You could do something in Jaimaca or any of the Sandals. Just something else to think about.


Good luck to you and