Ok, this is something that has been bothering me TREMENDOUSLY since Sunday after seeing FMIL....This vent does concern a touchy topic on this board so anyone who finds the issue of working after marriage personal, this post isnt meant to offend so you dont have to read..although this topic isnt really about that, its about FMIL being judgemental....
So, at dinner FMIL basically says, 'well you are working nights and you will never see him'. I say its only three nights and i make good $$. She goes on about how she knows some people(people being code foe 'Women') who work 8 hour days but dosent see how someone could do 12 hour days....basically in FMIL code she is saying, 'you will not be home to cook for my son every day and how will you take care of you home and children?'. she makes comments like, 'is my son starving to death' and 'oh, you cook??'...'Who is going to change the diapers?'
Her family dosent understand that a woman would ever choose to work and we are at the beginning stages of war because of that. They firmly believe that a man should support the woman, which is fine, but i make more than twice his salary so he couldnt even support me anyways. technically according to THEIR rules, i am way out of his league then, but ofcourse i dont follow that tradition either, i am not marrying him for his money, i am marrying him because he is a good man, and will be a good husband and father....
i am sorry this is such a long vent, and its not meant to spark debate because it could just as easily be the other way around(FMIL wants me to work and i want to raise children). i just am soooo upset and actually doubting myself for the first time...there are no working women in my family and they all look at me the same way and now i am worried they are right!!
chrispar
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
AWWW That really stinks that she made you feel that way. I am a firm believer in independence and I can totally understand where you are coming from. Don't let her upset you although I know thats hard but you have to do whats best for you and your family. No one should tell you that you shouldn't be working or make you feel like you aren't being a good wife/ mother. Anyways feel better and I totally can understand how you feel. Plus nowadays it is way too hard for only one person in the house to work, financially speaking.
blu6385
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
dont worry i know how you feel .... there would be no way FH can support me i also make a lot more than him ... i personally dont want to stay home and raise the kids ... i enjoy working and i plan on working after kids ... dont doubt your self ... your doing what you feel right and as long as you FH is ok with it then dont worry about what anyone else has to say ... in my opinion i think people who have a problem with that (mostly woman) are secretly envoying you cause they want to be as independent on you and not depend on a guy ... its a personal choice eveyone has to make ... some girls like to have thier FH support them and others dont ... it a personal choice and olny you and FH can make that descion.
FutureMrs.T
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
That stinks. I tihnk we all battle with our FMIL's sometimes. I just finished reading this GREAT book. It is fiction, but made me look at my FMIL in a different light. It is a bout a new couple, getting married, having a baby and the FMIL wants to be involved in everything and has an opinion...I think we should ALL read this book:
Oh I'm so sorry It's hard to make people understand some of the choices we make. Your FMIL comes from a different time where a lot of women stayed home and/or worked small jobs and took care of all of the family. She should be proud that she is gaining such a hard-working, successful daughter-in-law. When you do decide to have kids, you'll be a great example for them. It's hard to ignore her, but what she thinks doesn't matter--it's about the decisions you and your FH make that do.
SeaMaiden
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
Posted by FutureMrs.T
That stinks. I tihnk we all battle with our FMIL's sometimes. I just finished reading this GREAT book. It is fiction, but made me look at my FMIL in a different light. It is a bout a new couple, getting married, having a baby and the FMIL wants to be involved in everything and has an opinion...I think we should ALL read this book:
Thanks I will check it out! I dont know why i am so devastated by this, but it has affected me badly. Maybe this book can show me the light!
Chrissywish
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
As women, I think we luckily grow up in a different time. We grow up in a day and age that if we want to work it's ok, and if the men want to stay home and take care of the children it's ok. Although history still has it's precedents, things are changing, and if you enjoy your career there is no reason you should let your old fashioned family or his make you feel differently about it. We all will question ourselves throughout this wedding process (heck i did it last night), but when it comes down to it, you and FH are the two getting married and sharing your lives together. As long as you two are open with each other, honest, and happy in the situation then I wouldn't worry. Just make sure you and FH are on the same page.
angl2001
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
I totally hear you on this!!!!! Steves mom always has something to say to me too! I lived there for a few months and if i stayed out past 11pm she would say 'how could steve allow you to do that?' or proper ladies wouldnt stay out that late you should be home with him' One day i madew my self a snadwitch and i knew he wasnt hungry and she says only 1 sandwitch?? I said yeah i was hungry if steve wants one he can come and make it himself' she didnt like that! she said that was wrong and i should do things for him first not myself' I said yeah well this is the year 2003 ( thats the year it was then lol) and i dont have to wait on him hand and foot. he can get up and get it himself its not klike hes been working all day!! . Yes if he was working all day and i was home i would have something ready for him. His parents are very old school and thing the man should do nothing but work and watch TV and the woman shoudl do everything for him. I told steve from day 1 that is not happeneing. All the chores will be 50-50!! He even picked all the kitchen stuff when we registered and said ' well loike you said ill be doing most of the cooking so i should pick what I want!' lol I feel your pain on this, just brush it off she wpont be living with you!! (* I hope) feel better!
GinaZ
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
That stinks she feels that way!! Its so funny cus most couples I know (not all but most) have the girl making more money in the beginning than the man. Yes, unfortunitly, in the long run the man will make the most money, but they could not get their without the woman in the beginning throwing in more for bills and rent etc. FH and i JUST moved in together last weekend and I am working longer hours than him and making more money- granted he is graduating this weekend and this can all change within the next couple of weeks. But we are sharing household duties. Once we have kids, I am hopefully not going to have to work. I can't imagine how tiring it must be to have a full time job and raise children. But if I am making more money and have a better job, then I will continue to work to provide a better life for them.
Try to ignore her dumb comments and be proud of what you are doing! :)
mrspalomino148
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
Why must FMIL be like this?? Its your life, and if you and your FH don't mind it, who the heck does she think she is trying to make you doubt yourself! But don't let her doubt you! if you like working, you should be able to work, thats all there is to it! Well goodluck with everything hun, but don't let her get you down!!
MrsD71208
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
Oh man, I'm sorry! I hate people from the 40's-60's that think that women should stay home with their kids and take care of the house, instead of work. It is extremely liberating that we can have full-time jobs, even some that pay more then the jobs of men do! I wouldn't trade my career for anything or anybody, nor would I even CONSIDER to leave work and stay at home. I enjoy the experiences I have, the work-related stuff I do, the adult-conversations and defintely the money! I think that people who are stuck in past days really need to get a clue!!! Hang in there and stay strong and proud girl!!!
SeaMaiden
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Re: FMIL Vent......Sorry, its a touchy topic....
Thanks guys, it definitely makes me feel better to have someone else say its its possible! i just wanted to point out that i am not putting down stay at home moms, i really do see the importance and hard work that goes into this(hence my momentary doubt about working)..but i do think i depends on the individual situation and personalities. Regardless, i hope all our FMIL can see appreciate both choices either way!
