FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

Original post by GardenPartyBride

May 12, 2008 12:19 PM

My FMIL told us she wants me and FI to make a list of the amount of $ that each guest gives us, which I thought was shocking. She said she wants the list so that when she goes to a wedding that the guest throws, she will give them the same amount that they gave us. This request made me sort of uncomfortable - but what am I supposed to do?

KK Holiday Posted: May 12, 2008 01:03 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

i would never use someone's gift as a reference point for what i should give them in the future! you give what you can based on the relationship you have with that person and your personal income!!!

if someone asked for a list like that i would tell them to mind their own business. it's rude in my opinion.

08JulyBride Posted: May 12, 2008 01:28 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I will definitely make a list for myself. If my FMIL asked for a copy I'd just give her their side's info.

DGoldfarb0776 Posted: May 12, 2008 01:30 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I'd be uncomfortable about doing that if my IL's asked me to do that.

They just asked me as who did NOT send us any kind of gift/card, etc.
Turns out one of FIL's brothers didn't send us anything at all and now he' furious!

TJ22908 Posted: May 12, 2008 01:33 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

DH's grandmother just asked us for the same thing for the same reason and I told him no way. I don't think its any of her business I told DH to tell her we lost the list, which we made for the same reason as other people (bank deposits, thank yous etc) I wouldn't do it! JMO

Libba Posted: May 12, 2008 01:36 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I'm keeping a list for myself, but I wouldn't give the whole list to anyone. I would tell my mom or fmil to ask me how much so-and-so gave in the event that she's actually invited to so-and-so's wedding. My mom has already asked me about a couple specific relevant cases and this system seems to work fine.

SB7308 Posted: May 12, 2008 01:37 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

Posted by KK Holiday

i would never use someone's gift as a reference point for what i should give them in the future! you give what you can based on the relationship you have with that person and your personal income!!!

if someone asked for a list like that i would tell them to mind their own business. it's rude in my opinion.

ITA

jessnstu08 Posted: May 12, 2008 01:41 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

My MOH told me she did this to keep track to give the exact amount back , I had no idea people actually did this !

I would never generate such a list so I can give the exact amount back in the future! My financial situation is completely different now , and because of that I give more!

tit- for tat is not my style and if your not comfortable , don't do it. I don't care if 'everyone' does it this way, it is up to you and what your comfortable with

Munchkn16 Posted: May 12, 2008 01:41 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

Posted by ttw910

I would definitely make a list to keep track of the amounts your guests gave. Everyone that I know that is married has done this. This way you can use it as a reference for any of your friends or family's weddings in the future.

We did this too, but it was more so we could refer to the gift in our TY notes.

bluekat16 Posted: May 12, 2008 01:41 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I'm keeping a list but for tallying purposes in terms of what we are taking to the bank and also for thank you card purposes. After that I'll probably never look at the list again.

Snick n Nick Posted: May 12, 2008 01:41 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

Posted by KK Holiday

i would never use someone's gift as a reference point for what i should give them in the future! you give what you can based on the relationship you have with that person and your personal income!!!

if someone asked for a list like that i would tell them to mind their own business. it's rude in my opinion.

I have to agree....we might make this list for ourselves to keep track and make sure we got all checks deposited, but I certainly wouldn't share it with anyone else or make gifting decisions based on it. Some people are more well-off than others....I'm just not that tit-for-tat situation I guess! To each his own!

EsquireBride Posted: May 12, 2008 01:53 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I would be uncomfortable giving away the list to her (although you should definitely make one for yourself). Just because someone gave you a small amount now doesn't mean that they should get one in return (maybe they just lost their job, or are still in school... and they gave the most they could). Or maybe they gave you a smaller cash gift because they bought you something great from your registry but it was expensive....

DGoldfarb0776 Posted: May 12, 2008 01:56 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I only kept a list really for DH and I - just for our eyes only- there were some that were overly generous that we want to do something (on our own) special for and to show our appreciation.

DH wasn't really around when I started to open the cards and tally up everything (he didn't care at the time )

I wouldn't tell anyone else tho who gave exactly what to us. I always thought that was tacky and I am not a tit-for-tat person.

DSNY08 Posted: May 12, 2008 02:19 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

mRm2008 Posted: May 12, 2008 02:34 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I would only make a list for FH and I to be accountable for depositing and properly thanking our guests. It would end there.

lillprincess54 Posted: May 12, 2008 02:42 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

my mom and mil asked for it too, i have a copy of it myself.

i dont think its a big deal

cbcf Posted: May 12, 2008 02:44 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

Posted by GinaZ

Posted by Bella77

Um... I wouldn't do it if it doesn't matter to you.
I only wrote it down because I wanted to tally amounts for the bank, and make sure I accounted for everyone's cards for thank you's.

Same thing for me. I dont think I would ever use it as a refernce point. I know in 2 years when I go to my best friends wedding, I hope I am in a financial situation where I can afford to give her more than she gave us. I dont like the whole matching thing. If someone really wealthy came to my wedding and gave an extremely generous gift, i dont think they would be mad if we couldnt afford to give the same. I can see wy this made you uncomfortable.

i agree....FILs did this for our e-party and FH told them. I was shocked and felt uncomfortable. Plus they have no right in needing to know about what my side of the family gave or friends. No Need. Plus I agree with what you said you never know peoples financial issues. So a year or two down the road when that person gets married or has an event you are going to be stiff with what you give them just because htey didnt give you a certain amount--- i don't do the whole matching thing either. I give what I can give and always try to give a good amount especially for those i love and care about and are closer to me.

TheFutureMrsM Posted: May 12, 2008 04:38 PM

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I would give her the list, its not a big deal, and if she has weddings coming up of people it would be nice so she knows how much to give them.

Here is something that hapened to me this month, we were invited to a wedding from FIL's side, and we can not go its next weekend in florida, so we sent back our RSVP card with a check for 200 dollars, expecting them to do the same if they rsvp no to ours, well the rsvp came with no check

I told FIL's and htey were like well maybe they are sending it, we got a gift in the mail off the registry, which was 40 dollars.
My Inlaws were fuming mad...they could not belive that they would do that.
THey told me that now when they go to the wedding they are giving way way less.