FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

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Posted by ldrenckhahn

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Posted by GardenPartyBride

I'm definitely making a list for my own reference of what people give us for thank you card purposes - but I wasn't planning on writing down the amounts, just what the item was for items and money if they gave us money. FMIL said she wanted me to make down a list of the amounts and give it to her.

I don't believe in the tit for tat for wedding gifts personally - I give $500 (for me and FI) when I go to a wedding because I think that's a generous gift, and it's basically all that I can afford to give based on my budget - I never ask other people what they are giving, or try to think of it in terms of gifts they give me, or analyze how much they spent to throw the wedding and at the same time, I neither expect nor care if those people give me a similar amount - throwing a wedding isn't an investment, and for some of the people I invited, I would be so appreciative if they make the effort to attend that any gift would be totally irrelevant. My family agrees.

His family is more tit-for-tat, they will all discuss beforehand how much each of them plan to give, and they all discuss how much they spend on their weddings and what amounts they received, etc. I've tried really hard not to disclose how much things for my wedding cost (FI and I are footing the bill) basically because that kind of gossip and competition makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want people discussing my personal budgets for things.

At the end of the day, I just don't see myself making out this list without feeling very uncomfortable. How to tell FMIL that is another story - FI offered to do it (which in my mind doesn't make it better because it's not a matter of the time to make the list, but the fact that it isn't really right to ask us to make the list), but I'm sure at the end of the day if it doesn't get done, they will follow up with me about it.

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I agree with you 110% What you could do is just tell her that you'll do it and then when she follows up you can say that you lost it, it got deleted off your computer, or you forgot...this way you can avoid the confrontation and still feel like you are doing the 'right thing' for yourself.

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add me to the agree with this list! I can't imagine referencing a list for future weddings. lol - not to mention we're sort of the last ones to tie the knot - lol if my side or his side reference a list of what we gave at their weddings - some of them 6-8 years ago - well.....
i really believe you give what you can and what you're comfortable with at that time in your life. hahah if this is the case i can expect a few cards with a $50 in them from when i was in college and had nothing! lolol - side note - this would be fine for me. as far as FMIL - if you and your fiance agree - just play the 'we forgot to list by guest..oops. tell her you separated all the funds and made a list to check that you had everything deposited but didn't note who gave what amount -
at the end - do whats comfortable for you!

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Posted by ttw910

I would definitely make a list to keep track of the amounts your guests gave. Everyone that I know that is married has done this. This way you can use it as a reference for any of your friends or family's weddings in the future.

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I agree, my FMIL does the same thing and even goes so far as to write down what she WORE to someone's affair so that she would never wear the outfit again if they were going to be there!

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Posted by GardenPartyBride

I'm definitely making a list for my own reference of what people give us for thank you card purposes - but I wasn't planning on writing down the amounts, just what the item was for items and money if they gave us money.

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same here, it makes it much easier for me to keep track of thank yous and if i have/haven't deposited a check - especially with the gifts we're getting with 'no' rsvps. we won't be using what they gave as a point of reference, however.

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Posted by KK Holiday

i would never use someone's gift as a reference point for what i should give them in the future! you give what you can based on the relationship you have with that person and your personal income!!!

if someone asked for a list like that i would tell them to mind their own business. it's rude in my opinion.

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I agree 100%. The amount a person gives you is personal - or at least to me it is. Giving that information to anyone else is sharing information that the gift giver may not have wanted anyone to know - what if they are going through a bad time and can only give a small amount, but didn't want the family to know they are going through a rough patch??? I would never give that info out and if it makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't either. A gift should not be based on what someone gave you, either. A gift is a gift and should be based on your income at the time and your relationship with the person, not what they gave you.

Good luck!

You should always make a list to keep track of what people give you - the record comes in handy when writing thank yous

But the purpose she wants it for is a little unethical - but shes not going to change.