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For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

paintbrush91 Posted:

For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

My dad, whom I was very close to passed away a couple of years ago after a long and painful illness. I know my wedding day will be painful in the sense of him not being there....walking down without him, no father/daught dance ect...
As a result of this, I did not want a large wedding. I was hoping for a smaller affair-a celebration of our love -but in a simple way that would remove some of the sadness for me. However, my fh has a huge family and they must have everyone there including inlaws ect. I have tried explaining my feelings to them, but they do not understand....Not that I expect them too. They feel I have to move on with my life. I can understand they do not want to cut their guest list and hurt feelings, so I have agreed to the 'big day'. But, now I am left with trying to get through it! lol I would like to know how anyone in my shoes has or will handel it?
Also, how are you remembering your parent? A good friend of mine suggested I carry a rose down with me place it where he would sit..but I do not think I could do that emotionally. Maybe a flower somewhere not in my direct view. thanks for any help
alixgirl Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

My father passed away 3 years ago yesterday. I try not to think about my daddy not being there. My mother is walking me down the aisle. I wondered about the proper way to honor my father without 1) reducing me to hysterical tears and 2) depressing the guests. My father was an awesome writer so we are going to put one of his poems in our wedding programs well as on our cd favor I am going to include Luther Vandross's song 'Dance With My Father'. I know my father would want me to enjoy this day and I know that he is going to be grinning down at me. I can see him now. Your father would want the same.
ChristineC68 Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

My father died a long time ago and since he has not been part of my everyday life for so long the planning part was mostly ok. (I don't mean this in a bad way and it's with tears in my eyes as I type this because I will never get over the pain of losing him - it's just that it's been 13 years now).

My mother walked me down the aisle and we skipped the parents dances all together (DH's mother passed away when he was 12).

We didn't want to dwell on their absence so we dedicated our programs to them and made a donation to the american cancer society as our favor (they both died of cancer).

I have heard where the bride put a picture in their bouquet or pin something to the inside of their gown.

For the days surrounding the wedding ALL of my emotions were right on the surface. As I danced with DH during the first dance, I saw my father's brother dancing with my mother - broke down into hysterical tears and pulled it back together just as quickly. It's really hard emotionally but in the end you know he's there with you and it somehow makes it ok.

I am very sorry you are both going through this
KathleenG Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

FM!!!
WeddingsRock Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

My father passed away 6 months before I got married. It was VERY difficult because we were very close. My mother walked me down the aisle (although I swear she really wasn't at my wedding (very difficult time) ) In our program, we a thank you to my dad and remembered him in the prayer of the faithful. That was all I did. Now, if it were up to my mother, his photo would have been up on the alter and this big 'to do' would have been done, but honestly, the day is about you and your new husband. The happy future that you will have should not be over shadowed by the loss of your father. I KNOW how difficult this is, but in the excitement of the day, enjoy yourself and know that he is looking down on you!

djkatscan Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

I am also in the same situation. I think I would loose it to do the flower thing...and so would my mom. Thats just way too emotional. I'm getting all teary just thinking about that! I have heard of memory candles...not too sure how that works.

My mother at my fathers funeral, read Corinthians 13:4-8,
'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails....'
I found these vows online:zion traditional vows and it has that verse in it. I want to use those as my vows as a tribute, or have that as a reading and I will mention in the program that it is in memory of my dad. I am also having as my first dance with FH to be my parents wedding song. I asked her if I could do that and she thought it was a nice idea. I am going to play a few of his favorite songs and the last dance of the night will be an old doowop song 'Goodnight Sweetheart' He used to sing that to me when I was little. I will have my mom walk me down the aisle and dance w/ one of my brothers. I may pick a fav song of my dad's to dance to, maybe 'the still of the night' or 'Let the river run' (carly simon I think? Was a post office commercial song LOL but he liked it!)I want FH to dance w/ his mom and it would be too wierd to skip the father daughter dance and go to the groom/ mother dance.
I can only imagine, that day I will probably be crying half the time and laughing and having fun the other half. It will be hard but I'm sure whatever you do will be fine!
Major to you!
kathleenmarie Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

I didnt want to remember my father with an empty chair or anything like that because FOR ME it would have been to sad and I didnt want to turn my wedding into a memorial for my father. I put a few words in the program to remember him and I will go to his grave the weekend before my wedding. I went when I got engaged to 'tell him' I was getting married. I know he will be there with me and smiling on my wedding day. I am walking down the isle with my brother and will do a dance with him. You will work it out the way that is BEST for YOU. Make sure to honor yourself.
janet Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

i lost my dad 7 years agao. we at the end were not to close but it hurts even more at time because of it! i was going to have my twin foster brothers walk me down but my mom had a gasket about it and told me my step father will walk me down so i came up with my daughter getting escored down by them , and as i thought of it it means more to me that way! my father never got to know her. as for remembering him i am asking my dj to at sometime to play to dance with my father again as a dedication to him and all the people i have lost and fh too. but i do like the idea i read on another post with having a locket with his pic in side my dress... my mother would flip put if it is inside she woun't even know!

kim425 Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

Hi,

I lost my mother about 10 years ago and my father about 4 years ago.

I would not suggest doing anything like leaving an empty chair or walking down the aisle with a rose, that is very emotional and will just end up making you sad. this should be a happy day, not a sad day.

Both of my parents died from cancer so in lieu of favors, i'm making a donation to the american cancer society. I was also thinking of putting a memorial candle at the place card table.

I would try to keep things as simple as possible. You will remember them, it is your wedding day, how could you not? I just wouldn't want to make the whole wedding a tribute to the deceased.

LIJuneBride Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

There are many people in your situation and everyone will handle it differently. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. Both of my FH's parents have passed away and my father passed away about 2 1/2 years ago. We were thinking of doing a memorial candle with their names on and placing it on a table with their photos. Just a little something to show they are still there with us. The candle will have a nice saying with their names on it so it's something we can keep afterwards. I was also thinking of a remembrance dance - it would be a little sad, but just for a moment. What I'm concerned about is my mom - she will be attending alone and I know that must be difficult for her.

Chloegirl Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

I am another bride in a similar situation. My dad passed away 3 1/2 years ago (gosh, I cant believe its been that long) and my mother is not present in my life. I struggle with this eveytime I do wedding stuff...so i completely understand.

I am probably walking down the isle alone. I am an only child and dont feel close to other family members that i would want them walk with me. If I walk with anyone it would be my MOH.

I am putting a pic inside my boquet and then dancing with FI to a song dedicated to him.

Good luck and do what you think is best for you! FM if you ever want to talk
paintbrush91 Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

thank you all for taking the time to read my post and your advice huggs to all of you

Kriss2c Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

My dad passed away of cancer this past May, he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered at the Bethpage Golf Course.

That's why I chose Carlyle. When it comes time for parent dances, I will let FH and FMIL go first and then ask everyone to help me honor my father's memory by dancing to 'All Shook Up' by Elvis (Dad's favorite). I'm hoping I will be able to keep my composure long enough to introduce it to the guests.
civic24ex Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

My FH father past away 2 years ago from a massive heart attack (on mothers day no less!) I know it is going to be hard for him on our wedding day. I think we are going to have a memorial candle lit for him and for my grandfather, who also died from a massive heart attack.

kptoys Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

My dad passed away in 91 suddenly from an an Aneurysm in his brain. I have the same feelings as you about missing him walk me down the aisle and dance with me and just basically being there.

BUT I am having the wedding of my dreams. I know he will be there watching me and will be very happy for me.

I am carrying his wedding ring.
I have a memory table with his picture and a candle burning for him.
His name is on my invite.
He will be remembered in the ceremony
He will be remembered in the programs

I dont really care about what other people may think about putting someone who has passed away all around my wedding... he's my dad, a huge part of my life and damn it... its what I want to make me happy on the happiest day of my life.
civic24ex Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

i love how you mentioned him on your invites. I think that is a great idea. Do u mind if I ask how you worded it? I think FH would really be happy if we did that

fall2005bride Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

does anyone know where I can buy or order a memory candle with the names of the deceased can be engraved or put on the candles????

pschica Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

sorry to hear about the heartache you are going through.....it is hard to plan and even harder to believe they actually won't be there...we went throught this with dh's mom...she passed away literally three days after we set our date and it was a huge loss for us...
i actually carried one of the memorial cards from mil's wake....we also tried to do lots of subtle things in her memory so that it wasn't 'in your face' and making everyone sad but so she wasn't forgotten....

we did the part in the rpogram remebering everyone on both of our sides, we lit a candle and then had a pciture table of all of us togetehr (my parents and dh's togetehr with us, a few pics of us with her, etc). we also did part of our favor as a donation to a lung cancer group (she died of lung cancer)

good luck - its not easy - and if you need any help or support, feel free to fm or email me!

pschica Posted:

Re: For those with a deceased parent please read- I need advice (long)

there's also a beautiful song by josh groban we alsmost used in her memory but we cried everytime we heard it so we scrapped it at the last minute....


its called 'to where you are'

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