Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

I am a past bride. My older sister was my MOH and she did a wonderful job! Right after my wedding she announces to me that she is engaged to her bf of just 8 months and she would like me to be her MOH. This would all be fine except for the fact that my sister is 35 years old ,with 3 children and 3 failed marriages behind her. This wedding will be her fourth. I know that she wanted me to immediately be excited for her and to gush about how I could not wait to be her MOH, but I just couldn't do it because of her history of failed marriages, which she drags my niece and nephews through with her. It has been a merry-go-round of men in their lives and she can't understand why I am not so happy about this. I don't see why she needs to ever get married again. She already has her children and frankly, she just isn't good at marriage (obviously). This is made worse by the fact that she only knew the guy for 8 months before getting engaged.

Not only does she want be to be her MOH but she wants to pretend that this is her first marriage and she wants the whole big white wedding. She wants a shower, a bacherlorette party, has registered at 2 different stores for a china pattern and crystal among other things and has purchased a white wedding gown.

I am furious! I think this is completely inappropriate and embarrassing for my family. In my opinion, she should just go to the justice of the peace and be done with it with no big hoopla. The whole problem is that although she is my older sister by 7 years, she is vastly immature and I have pretty much taken on the big sister role by leading by example. She eloped for all 3 of her prior marriages, but after she saw my big white wedding and saw that you get wedding gifts and shower gifts and everyone makes a fuss, she wanted it.

When I tell her that a shower, bachelorette party and making me and others purchase bridesmaids gowns is just not done for a 4th marriage of a middle-aged woman with 3 children she gets mad and basically tells me that she deserves it because she didn't get any of that for her first 3 weddings. I know that she also feels that I 'owe her' because she was just MOH for me. So do I 'owe her' or is she really being just crazy? I have looked everywhere but really can't find much in the way of etiquette advice for 4th marriages so I am now going by opinions.

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

Wow. How ridiculous. I would probably feel the same as you. I fI were you, I'd tell her I love you,you're my sister and I'd be happy to stand up for you and act as witness to your marriage (if you would in fact be willing to stadn up for her. If you're not, I'd tell her that too) if this is really what you feel is right for you and your children, but when I got married it was my first marriage so I had the white wedding. You could have done that for your first or second marriage and you chose not to, so I don't think it's fair to expect it now, so I'm sorry I just can't do that for you.


But I suppose this is all easy for me to say cause it's not my sister. Just out of curiosity, what does your mom/dad have to say? Good luck.

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

Dad's not really in the picture but mom thinks it is ridiculous as well, but worries that if I refuse, it will cause a rift between my sister and I, which I am also worried about. There is also the cost factor. My husband and I are newly married. We just finished paying for an extremely costly wedding and we are closing on our first home at the end of the month. To make matters worse, my SIL is getting married in August and both my husband and I are in the wedding party. We have alot of expenses needless to say and adding this in would just be an unexpected expense.

BTW...One of the statistics that I did find says that fourth marriages have a 93% failure rate within 5 years. ...not so promising

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

that is pretty ridiculous. does she have a date set yet?

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

Oh yes, December and she claims that the dress store told her that we must order bridesmaids dresses by April so we have to get on it

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

I can see her point of view a little. This is a 2nd wedding for both myself and FH. My first wedding was put together in 2 weeks (shotgun wedding), almost straight out of highschool, by XH's parents and my mom. I had no say in it whatsoever, it was a backyard bbq, and I didn't even get to wear a fancy dress. I didn't even want to get married, but our parents convinced us it was the right thing to do. Straight out of highschool I was scared, so I agreed. It didn't work out.

Fast forward to now, FH and I got engaged 1 year after we met. We had only been dating 9-10 months at that point. Yeah, we figured people might think it was too soon but because of our experiences we knew what we were looking for.

It hurts when people tell us we should just go to the justice of the peace since it's our 2nd weddings and that I shouldn't get a shower or any of that other stuff that I missed out on the first time.

I feel like this is my real wedding. I want to do it right this time.

Maybe she feels the same way?

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

Look, if this were even her 2nd wedding I would probably do all of these things but in light of how she seems to view marriage as a disposable object, as seen by the demise of marriage one, two and three, I can't see spending any time, money or attention on this whatsoever. It seems like a circus and mockery of the true spirit of marriage being 'til death do us part.' It should be done quietly if at all. It makes me upset.

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

I don't know your sister so I can only make comments based on people I know and what comes to mind when reading this based on those experiences.

The fact that she has had three previous marriages with no wedding but suddently wants one might be a good sign.

Maybe this time she feels like it will really be the one and she wants it done right.

I feel that it would be a different story if she had real weddings for each of her marriages. Then maybe people/family would be tired of dishing out money to either be part of or attend her weddings. But this is the first time. I feel that if she really wants it you should be supportive, even if you're not 100% in agreement.

Many times our family does things that we are not in complete agreement with but I feel that it doesn't change the fact that they're family. We probably do things they are not in agreement with either. But the important thing is to love and support them no matter what. (obvisously as long as its not an extreme case but she basically just wants a party)

All that being said, the part that does worry me about the situation is her children. I think the real issue with all the marriages is the affect that its potentially having on her children. Many time we don't even realize how things are affecting them. Again I don't know the situation but it can be hard if they are constantly being attached to people and then these people keep going away. This is the real issue that should be thought through by your sister.

But if she's getting married anyway, I don't think having a party will make matters any worse. Hopefully this is the right guy for your sister. The children can even be part of the ceremony and it would help them feel included. I just really hope, for their sake mostly but also for your sister, that this is it. This is the right guy and will be her final marriage!!

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

I can see her wanting to have a big wedding but I don't think a shower is appropriate. I think you might have to bite the bullet and buy the BM dress and what not, but a shower is completely inappropriate for a fourth wedding.

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

being that this is her fourth wedding... i really think she needs to start thinking this through. maybe take this as a long engagement to test the water before she started thinking about an elaborate wedding.

she probably wants the fancy wedding this time after witnessing your's... sisters, even older ones, still get jealous and want what others have...

this is a tough situation. i understand that you don't want to hurt her feelings... but ... even outside of all that, the people that she should be thinking about the most is her kids. i'm sure they wouldn't be thrilled with the idea that they have to experience this all over again. it doesn't create the most stable home....

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

That is exactly what I told her when she told me that she was engaged after only 8 months. BTW...the guy seems very nice, much better than any of the others that she married BUT that being said, this will also be his 2nd marriage, so they both have a history of failed marriages. I like her fiance but considering their mutual history of failed marriages and there being 3 children involved, I feel that a long engagement is appropriate. Oh and if I didn't mention it before, she immediately moved this guy in with her and her children, which I was appalled by. I feel like she consistently puts what she wants above what is in the best interests of her children.

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

Wow, I think that is ridiculous and damaging behavior since children are involved. I am on your side and would NOT be able to support this union with a smile on my face! How could a mother 'immediately move in' a stranger with her children??? So irresponsible!

That being said, because children are involved, it'd be risky to have a complete blowout with your sister where she may keep you from seeing her kids. You, the responsible one, may be a source of comfort for her children for years to come. They really may need you to vent, confide, etc. Please, PLEASE periodically check in on them to see how they are dealing with all of this.

I think you should tell your sister that if she decides to go through with this, you will be up there for support the day of but can not contribute financially in the way of shower, bachelor party, etc. Say you will buy your moh dress but that is it. That things are tight as it is as newlyweds. If this doesn't sit well with her, she's free to choose another MOH.

And beg her to delay this!

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

i feel so bad for the children, more than anything else.

any money potentially spent on any BM dresses, showers or parties held in her honor can all be saved again and its unfair if this marriage doesn't last because it is money you won't get back. But her kids have it the worst. they live with their mother and are put through this emotional wedding roller coaster 3 times now and are heading for a 4th time.

has anyone explained this to them again if they are old enough to understand? Those children need to come first and as a mother they should be her first priority which is clear that they aren't.

I would have a long talk with her about this before you do anything. do not be confrontational about it, and if possible, involve your mother. She may get mad at you and and may not speak to you for a while, but hoefully she will come to her senses are realize you are all trying to look out for her and her kids.

if she still plans on going through with the wedding, buy the BM dress and have the B-Party. IT always fun to at least have a night out on the time and you can always stay close to home and have a fun night out without spending a ton of money.

The bridal shower is another matter all together, at this point in the game, you've been married 3 times already and probably have everything you already need for your home. you would only be registering for something you want. just like you really only have a baby shower for your first time, explain the same rules apply, a bridal shower for a 4th wedding is gauche

Re: Fourth Wedding Etiquette- Long

If they are paying for it, I feel like you should just try to be happy for them and not judge them based on their history. Every relationship is different and just because she rushes to the alter doesn't mean that this one isn't going to last the next 55 years, no matter what statistics might say.

I think you should be supportive and not try to discourage her. If you don't have the energy or drive to be her MOH, be honest with her and tell her so without being judgmental of her desire to have a 'real' wedding even if it is her fourth marriage.

If it's the money and she has money to pay for the things she wants from you as her MOH, see if she can chip in and help.

I wouldn't be so fast to pooh-pooh the whole concept or tread all over her enthusiasm. It sounds like these are two people trying to do love the right way. If you can't support that, get out now for her sake. If you can, try to be happy for her. If it lasts 10 years, that's worth a few months of support, wouldn't you say?