I asked one of my college roommates to be a bridesmaid, and it was only about a week after I got engaged, when I was still on Cloud 9.
She hesitated a bit, and told me that she was thinking I would probably ask her and she and her Mom had talked about it beforehand...and she thought it would be just 'too much' because my wedding is September 2005 and she would probably be getting married in October 2005. She also said she really wanted me to be a BM for her, but felt it might be too much for both of us with our own weddings to worry about.
The thing is, at that point she was not even engaged!!!!
So she told me she would 'get back to me' after she thought about it some more. Well, she got back to me about 2 weeks later and told me that she thought it would be too much and that maybe she could do a reading at my wedding. I told her I hadn't even thought about that yet.
Well, when she said that I was mad because about a year ago another girl who I know but am not firendly with asked her to be a BM and she said no because she can't stand her, badmouths her all the time, etc. but offered to do a reading for her wedding.
What the hell am I supposed to think at this point?
Also....she ended up getting engaged about a month after me. It took me forever to call and congratulate her because I was so hurt/mad.
Then about 2 weeks after that she called and left me a message telling me that she is now getting married in August!!!! Before me!!!!!
I am so angry and hurt by her and have kept my contact with her to a minimum.
What does everybody else think? Am I overreacting?
Karacg
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
Yes, I think so. She is your friend but is living her own life. Let it be, keep her friendship, be happy for her.
Robinella
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
I had the same situation with my friend...i wasnt finanically ready to be her MOH and her and her mother forced me to be in her wedding...we dont really speak so much anymore lol I knew I was getting engaged before her wedding (like youre friend, most people are not surprised by weddings so its ok to think of wedding stuff ahead of time) so i didnt want to spend the 1,000 bucks it woudl cost to be in her wedding (plus my one sister got married 2 months before my friend and i was my sisters MOH..so that was another 1,000). I loved my friend to death but i wish i stuck to my guns and said no..would have saved our friendship. Another one of my sisters got engaged a month before me and asked me to be in her bridal party and i said no...she wanted oct of 2005 and when i got engaged i wanted sept 2005...so she pushed her wedding back and i finally agreed to be in her wedding. Its too much to have your own wedding and be in someone elses wedding at the same time (even though im in a friends wedding as a BM for June 2005...it never ends lol) I think she was being sincere when she said no and i dont think its cause she is badmouthing you. Iwould talk to her and not hold it against her. The way I look at it...if my friends are present to see me get married than they are there to support me, i dont need them in my bridal party to know that!
cjb88
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
I think I would feel the exact same way as you!! That's why I am having a super small bridal party... just MOH, which is my future sister in law, and one girlfriend, whose wedding I am in a few months earlier. Money and weddings tends to mess with friendships... it stinks, but it happens. I wish I could give you some good advice, but I know that I would feel the same way about the situtation as you do, so I can't remove myself... Im bad about holding grudges against good friends when they really hurt me. good luck... just remember weddigns are supposed to be happy moments!
SomethingBlu
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
Doesn't sound like too good of a friend. I mean, she took 2 weeks to get back to you and had to consult with her mom! I don't think you're being sensitive, I think she's being an A S S! She wasn't engaged and knew her wedding date? And then it wasn't even right...I wouldn't ask her to be a reader either. Or I could just be extra sensitive since it seems that people do not take our feelings into consideration when deciding what to do about our weddings.
So sorry for the vent!
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
That's the thing...I feel like I do so much for friends, and I don't get the same in return.
For example, her father recently had prostate cancer (which he has fully recovered from thankfully) and I was there for her all the time, sent flowers to her Dad, etc. and I feel like she just doesn't reciprocate the same level of friendship.
I get really hurt by people and hold grudges too...sometimes I feel like I am getting too old to bother with friendships were someone only makes a half-assed effort...
cjb88
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
my mom yelled at me for holding grudges, but I say it's all about quality over quantity! I would rather have a select few excellent friends then a whole bunch of sh!tty ones!
LuckyMe
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
I don't think she is a foe. I also don't think your overreacting. I think that your both in seperate places in priorities and life and you just have to accept her for it or stop being friends otherwise it will contiue to bother you. As for her having her wedding before yours she just might have a better deal or liked the time of the year better. Atleast she's not getting married the same day or the same week.
SomethingBlu
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05
That's the thing...I feel like I do so much for friends, and I don't get the same in return.
For example, her father recently had prostate cancer (which he has fully recovered from thankfully) and I was there for her all the time, sent flowers to her Dad, etc. and I feel like she just doesn't reciprocate the same level of friendship.
I get really hurt by people and hold grudges too...sometimes I feel like I am getting too old to bother with friendships were someone only makes a half-assed effort...
I am the same type of person and that's prbably why it bothers me so much too. I dn't expect anyone to be just like me and care as much as I do, but give me more than half assed, you know? Because I never would do that to anyone. I hope you find a solution that makes you happy!
NYtherapist
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
I understand that you're hurt because she declined your invitation to be part of your bridal party; however, I don't think she's done anything wrong.
It seems as though she knew she was getting engaged. It's not uncommon for there to be a discussion so in depth that the woman knows it's going to happen very shortly.
I knew I was getting engaged but thought it was going to happen a month after he actually proposed (he asked in September while I'd assumed it would be in October). Because I knew we were getting engaged, I also knew we'd get married in the summer of 2005. It sounds as though your friend was in a situation similar to mine.
Weddings are about the bride and groom. I've been with my fiance for a very long time. He was well aware of the fact that once he proposed, we would not have a long engagement (we'll be engaged for 9 months when we get married). I have 2 friends who got engaged way before I did. I'm getting married 2 months before 1 of them and 4 months before the other. There's no rule that says that you must set your wedding date after your friend's simply because she got engaged first. One of my friends said, 'Oh, you'll get married before me.' I knew what she meant my the comment and my response was, 'Yes.' That was it, end of story. I don't owe her an explanation and don't need to put my life on hold because she's getting married.
So, she's getting married before you...who cares? Focus on this happy time instead of looking for reasons to get yourself all worked up.
SomethingBlu
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
Posted by NYtherapist
I understand that you're hurt because she declined your invitation to be part of your bridal party; however, I don't think she's done anything wrong.
It seems as though she knew she was getting engaged. It's not uncommon for there to be a discussion so in depth that the woman knows it's going to happen very shortly.
I knew I was getting engaged but thought it was going to happen a month after he actually proposed (he asked in September while I'd assumed it would be in October). Because I knew we were getting engaged, I also knew we'd get married in the summer of 2005. It sounds as though your friend was in a situation similar to mine.
Weddings are about the bride and groom. I've been with my fiance for a very long time. He was well aware of the fact that once he proposed, we would not have a long engagement (we'll be engaged for 9 months when we get married). I have 2 friends who got engaged way before I did. I'm getting married 2 months before 1 of them and 4 months before the other. There's no rule that says that you must set your wedding date after your friend's simply because she got engaged first. One of my friends said, 'Oh, you'll get married before me.' I knew what she meant my the comment and my response was, 'Yes.' That was it, end of story. I don't owe her an explanation and don't need to put my life on hold because she's getting married.
So, she's getting married before you...who cares? Focus on this happy time instead of looking for reasons to get yourself all worked up.
I agree with you, but personally what bothered me is that she took 2 weeks to get back to her and then suggested a role for herself. A good friend wouldn't take that long, at least I never would.
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
There is a lot to it, and I see a lot of valid points in what everyone has said, but I really felt hurt that her whole reasoning was that she would be too busy planning her own wedding to be a part of mine...which would make sense when her wedding was after mine.
However, when she switched it to a month and a half before mine, it felt like her whole excuse for not being a part of my wedding was just that...an excuse.
It is not her getting married before me because she is 'beating' me, it is because she will be done with wedding stress a full month and a half for me and should therefore have time to take part if that was her real reason...
cmastro25
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
I would feel hurt also. I don't understand why she would turn you down because she might be getting married a month after you when she didn't even have the ring yet. That would upset me as well. Try not to let it consume you. You've got lots to do and if she doesn't want to be a part of your wedding, so be it. It's probably better off.
Feel better.
Gonnacatchapeacock
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
I had a similar situation w/ a long time friend. I was there for her wedding about 4 years ago.
Actually, i was there for just about everything for her.
She lives far away and has started a family. She is now pregnant again expected in the summer. She has in the last few years traveled for her husbands friends weddings. This time she can't due to a 'multitude of reasons'.
Although I wish she could be there for me, I know she won't be.
She has her own life, and I have mine.
She can EASILY be thought of as a foe in my mind for not being there, for me, as I was for her COUNTLESS times. I always thought she'd reciprocate for me! However, you just have to let it go. Don't let the hurt get in the way of you HAPPY YEAR! There's nothing else you can do b/c you can't change people. They start their own lives and sometimes forget about the history you shared. You sound like a great friend that truly appreciates and values friendship. It sucks, but situations like this happen all the time. :(
I wanted her to be my BM b/c she is my oldest friend.
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: Friend or Foe? (long)
Thanks for all the advice girls...it is always nice to hear a fresh perspective!
