Funny of the day ......(long)
New Rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl
of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to
contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Bill
Frist would have declared it sentient after seeing a picture of it, and Congress
would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. And you Hispanic
women, you know that thing where you shave them off completely and paint or
(worse still) tattoo them on arched so that you look constantly surprised? We
hate that.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
single malt scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a ' decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet ,' you're a major a**hole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. And, by the way, it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last
time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high. And you know what the boys call those
when they're right above the crack of your ***? Tramp Stamps. Guess why.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those fat, sallow, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen athletes at the poker table
was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting ? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show' and starting in
January you'll have to pay $12 a month to indulge.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place: the idea wasn't good enough
to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
the legal version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or he's just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
'27 Months.' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place, except that I was curious why the little brat
was still in diapers and being breast fed when he looks five.
Love people and use things;Not use people and love things.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl
of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to
contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Bill
Frist would have declared it sentient after seeing a picture of it, and Congress
would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. And you Hispanic
women, you know that thing where you shave them off completely and paint or
(worse still) tattoo them on arched so that you look constantly surprised? We
hate that.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
single malt scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a ' decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet ,' you're a major a**hole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. And, by the way, it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last
time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high. And you know what the boys call those
when they're right above the crack of your ***? Tramp Stamps. Guess why.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those fat, sallow, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen athletes at the poker table
was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting ? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show' and starting in
January you'll have to pay $12 a month to indulge.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place: the idea wasn't good enough
to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
the legal version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or he's just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
'27 Months.' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place, except that I was curious why the little brat
was still in diapers and being breast fed when he looks five.
Love people and use things;Not use people and love things.
