Future In-Laws

i'm kind of torn on this because it is tradition for the grooms family not to pay, apprently they adhere to tradition if they are giving the daughter money for her wedding.

my FH's family are only paying for the RD and yea sometimes it stinks but its not their wedding its mine and FH's. my parents are helping a little bit but we are paying 3/4 of it ourselves. i still plan on including FMIL in my plans. Just because she isnt contributing money to the wedding that FH and i want doesnt mean she is a bad person and doesnt deserve to be involved.

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Posted by CloudNine

i'm kind of torn on this because it is tradition for the grooms family not to pay, apprently they adhere to tradition if they are giving the daughter money for her wedding.

my FH's family are only paying for the RD and yea sometimes it stinks but its not their wedding its mine and FH's. my parents are helping a little bit but we are paying 3/4 of it ourselves. i still plan on including FMIL in my plans. Just because she isnt contributing money to the wedding that FH and i want doesnt mean she is a bad person and doesnt deserve to be involved.

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I think a lot of the wedding traditions/etiquette have become quite old and outdated. I believe that this topic is highly subjective. I guess if we reverse the 'tradition' and say that the grooms family should pay then we should just get rid of the tradition all together. Many couples are financially a bit better off than their parents and they can manage to pay for their wedding. Either way, family is family and if you see someone in need then they should TRY and help out and not just revert to antique unoffical laws.

'09 crashing... I have a Wedding Planner sitting right in front of me and it specifically spells out who is responsible for paying for what when it comes to a wedding.

Here is what it says under GrromAnd/Or Groom's Family:

Own travel expenses and attire
Rehearsal dinner
Wedding gift for bridal couple
Bride's wedding ring
Gifts for groom's attendants
Medical examination for groom including blood test
Bride's bouquet and going away corsage
Mothers' and grandmothers' corsages
All boutonnieres
Officant's fee

Hope this helps!!! Good luck!!

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Posted by Nurse12985

We have started talking money with our parents to see where we will stand with our wedding. My parents generously offered to give us 20. His parents laughed and said they don't belive in the grooms parents paying anything. I sound like a spoiled brat but I think it's so wrong of them. His mom always wants to talk about our wedding but I don't even want to involve her in the fun parts since she skipped out on our bill. His parents are giving his sister $20 because she's a girl. My boyfriend thinks that their super cheapness is fine. Im thinking of leaving a book of wedding etiquette at their house.

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I am the exact same boat. FHs parents aren't contributing at all. It's not the money I care about (FH and I are both financially able to pay for the wedding ourselves) They're not contributing at all.. no help, nothing.

FFIL doesn't believe in big extravagant weddings, and thinks it's all a big waste, yet... he wants FH and I to fly to Columbia (the country) so his new wife can have a big wedding in her home country. FH stated we aren't going...

So I feel you, but the thought that gets me by is the two of them raised FH to be the man that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, so that's more than enough for me.

1) welcome to liw
2) planning a wedding is not easy, we all have our issues on here with budgets and staying within our means.
3) I think it's good that you are trying to get an idea of who's going to contribute to your wedding because it gives u an idea of how much money is going to be coming out of u and youf FH's pockets.
4) u may be upset with your FMIL over her lack of monetary involvement, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she may not care about your wedding. i hope you and her will be able to come to a mutual understanding of some sort. if not, still be thankful that u at least have the help of your parents.

good luck!

My in-laws are pulling a similar thing. So if they don't want to help out then they don't get anyone outside their family invited.... unless they are going to help out. Our guest list without their 'friends' add ons is already at 117. I still have to ask my grandparents if they wish to invite anyone (they said they would help us out so it's only polite to ask).

But honestly I can't afford to foot the bill for 2-3 tables worth of their guest who are not family.

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Posted by Opera_Ghost

My in-laws are pulling a similar thing. So if they don't want to help out then they don't get anyone outside their family invited.... unless they are going to help out. Our guest list without their 'friends' add ons is already at 117. I still have to ask my grandparents if they wish to invite anyone (they said they would help us out so it's only polite to ask).

But honestly I can't afford to foot the bill for 2-3 tables worth of their guest who are not family.

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I never heard of this custom... that in-laws and grandparents, etc. can only ask for people to be invited if they were contributing...

I asked FMIL and FFIL for a list of guests out of courtesy... when it comes time to send out invitations... if we're over count than we'll see who we can cut out.

Just because they're not contributing doesn't mean they can't give you some people they'd like to see on the guest list, does it?

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Posted by windyBride33

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Posted by Opera_Ghost

My in-laws are pulling a similar thing. So if they don't want to help out then they don't get anyone outside their family invited.... unless they are going to help out. Our guest list without their 'friends' add ons is already at 117. I still have to ask my grandparents if they wish to invite anyone (they said they would help us out so it's only polite to ask).

But honestly I can't afford to foot the bill for 2-3 tables worth of their guest who are not family.

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I never heard of this custom... that in-laws and grandparents, etc. can only ask for people to be invited if they were contributing...

I asked FMIL and FFIL for a list of guests out of courtesy... when it comes time to send out invitations... if we're over count than we'll see who we can cut out.

Just because they're not contributing doesn't mean they can't give you some people they'd like to see on the guest list, does it?

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We also offered FH's parents to invite a few people....hoping to keep their number at 6 if at all possible since that's really all my parents are inviting. My family is twice as large as his, but figure my parents are paying so I can't see FHs family saying anything about the uneven numbers. Even though FHs family is barely contributing financially, I still think they should be able to invite a few close friends. In a way, it's their day too. I also know that if they could do more for us, they would. FHs mother said even though she can't be there for us financially, she's like to help in other ways. Just stinks that weddings are so expensive that the focus seems to always be on money and not the fact that this is an amazing day about your dedication of love in front of friends and family.

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Posted by windyBride33

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Posted by Opera_Ghost

My in-laws are pulling a similar thing. So if they don't want to help out then they don't get anyone outside their family invited.... unless they are going to help out. Our guest list without their 'friends' add ons is already at 117. I still have to ask my grandparents if they wish to invite anyone (they said they would help us out so it's only polite to ask).

But honestly I can't afford to foot the bill for 2-3 tables worth of their guest who are not family.

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I never heard of this custom... that in-laws and grandparents, etc. can only ask for people to be invited if they were contributing...

I asked FMIL and FFIL for a list of guests out of courtesy... when it comes time to send out invitations... if we're over count than we'll see who we can cut out.

Just because they're not contributing doesn't mean they can't give you some people they'd like to see on the guest list, does it?

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Well my grandparents only want a few people... rumor has it the mother in-law has a list of friends/co-workers to invite which is 25-30 people long (this didn't include the guests for the ones they are inviting). And her husband lists doesn't include people on hers.
I originalyl told her & her husband they get a table each cause that's all we can afford to do unless they say they will help out.

There is a limit to the amount of people they can invite when not contributing.

JESSICA!!!!!!... WELCOME TO THE ADDICTION!!!! i love these boards and these are some of the best girls you will ever meet and make your life planning a wedding super simple!!!

love you!

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Posted by Opera_Ghost

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Posted by windyBride33

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Posted by Opera_Ghost

My in-laws are pulling a similar thing. So if they don't want to help out then they don't get anyone outside their family invited.... unless they are going to help out. Our guest list without their 'friends' add ons is already at 117. I still have to ask my grandparents if they wish to invite anyone (they said they would help us out so it's only polite to ask).

But honestly I can't afford to foot the bill for 2-3 tables worth of their guest who are not family.

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I never heard of this custom... that in-laws and grandparents, etc. can only ask for people to be invited if they were contributing...

I asked FMIL and FFIL for a list of guests out of courtesy... when it comes time to send out invitations... if we're over count than we'll see who we can cut out.

Just because they're not contributing doesn't mean they can't give you some people they'd like to see on the guest list, does it?

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Well my grandparents only want a few people... rumor has it the mother in-law has a list of friends/co-workers to invite which is 25-30 people long (this didn't include the guests for the ones they are inviting). And her husband lists doesn't include people on hers.
I originalyl told her & her husband they get a table each cause that's all we can afford to do unless they say they will help out.

There is a limit to the amount of people they can invite when not contributing.

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That makes more sense... I understand giving a cap when they're not contributing... FH and I will come under minimum with our family and friends and we figure any 'extra' guests can go towards that, anything above 125 (our min is 110) will have to be contributed towards.

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Posted by windyBride33

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Posted by Opera_Ghost

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Posted by windyBride33

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Posted by Opera_Ghost

My in-laws are pulling a similar thing. So if they don't want to help out then they don't get anyone outside their family invited.... unless they are going to help out. Our guest list without their 'friends' add ons is already at 117. I still have to ask my grandparents if they wish to invite anyone (they said they would help us out so it's only polite to ask).

But honestly I can't afford to foot the bill for 2-3 tables worth of their guest who are not family.

---

I never heard of this custom... that in-laws and grandparents, etc. can only ask for people to be invited if they were contributing...

I asked FMIL and FFIL for a list of guests out of courtesy... when it comes time to send out invitations... if we're over count than we'll see who we can cut out.

Just because they're not contributing doesn't mean they can't give you some people they'd like to see on the guest list, does it?

---

Well my grandparents only want a few people... rumor has it the mother in-law has a list of friends/co-workers to invite which is 25-30 people long (this didn't include the guests for the ones they are inviting). And her husband lists doesn't include people on hers.
I originalyl told her & her husband they get a table each cause that's all we can afford to do unless they say they will help out.

There is a limit to the amount of people they can invite when not contributing.

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That makes more sense... I understand giving a cap when they're not contributing... FH and I will come under minimum with our family and friends and we figure any 'extra' guests can go towards that, anything above 125 (our min is 110) will have to be contributed towards.

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I told them what the max amount we can afford and they don't feel it's right. They think the bride's family should cover it.
Well my mom is a working single mom.. she honestly can't afford to pay for it all but is helping where she can.

These inlaws are inviting friends they have not seen or spoken to in almost 10 years (and more in some cases!) They told me that they want to see their friends cause it's been forever, they got upset when I told them that maybe they should do something outside our wedding with them or include whem in their tables we are giving them (or mabybe give us some money to help cover expenses?)

I hate my mother in-law. But being with my FH is worth putting up with her.

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Posted by Opera_Ghost


I told them what the max amount we can afford and they don't feel it's right. They think the bride's family should cover it.
Well my mom is a working single mom.. she honestly can't afford to pay for it all but is helping where she can.

These inlaws are inviting friends they have not seen or spoken to in almost 10 years (and more in some cases!) They told me that they want to see their friends cause it's been forever, they got upset when I told them that maybe they should do something outside our wedding with them or include whem in their tables we are giving them (or mabybe give us some money to help cover expenses?)

I hate my mother in-law. But being with my FH is worth putting up with her.

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You feel about your FMIL like I feel about my FFIL. Who also thinks ONLY the brides family should pay for the wedding. My mom is widowed... and neither FH and I have grandparents. I refuse to accept a gift from my mom if FILs are going to totally check out of the wedding planning. Again, it's not the $$$ we're older and can do this ourselves... it's the complete disdain and lack of interest that's killing me. On top of that FFIL keeps asking me 'Why do you need to have such a big wedding'! Because we want to, that's why... if you don't like it, don't come.

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Posted by windyBride33

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Posted by Opera_Ghost


I told them what the max amount we can afford and they don't feel it's right. They think the bride's family should cover it.
Well my mom is a working single mom.. she honestly can't afford to pay for it all but is helping where she can.

These inlaws are inviting friends they have not seen or spoken to in almost 10 years (and more in some cases!) They told me that they want to see their friends cause it's been forever, they got upset when I told them that maybe they should do something outside our wedding with them or include whem in their tables we are giving them (or mabybe give us some money to help cover expenses?)

I hate my mother in-law. But being with my FH is worth putting up with her.

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You feel about your FMIL like I feel about my FFIL. Who also thinks ONLY the brides family should pay for the wedding. My mom is widowed... and neither FH and I have grandparents. I refuse to accept a gift from my mom if FILs are going to totally check out of the wedding planning. Again, it's not the $$$ we're older and can do this ourselves... it's the complete disdain and lack of interest that's killing me. On top of that FFIL keeps asking me 'Why do you need to have such a big wedding'! Because we want to, that's why... if you don't like it, don't come.

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Yep FMIL pulled the whole 'Why do you need a big wedding?'. She has told us countless times to go to Vegas and 'get it done already'.
I find it rather insulting. I know she's doing this whole guests tactic to drive a wedge in the wedding planning, but it's not going to work.
She doesn't approve of me because I'm not Hispanic, and because I don't spend time with her when FH is not there....

It's such a long story and I could be here all day telling you what she's done in the past to him and to our relationship.

Let's sum it up by sayingthat everyone who knows about her gives her 'worst mother ever' award.