Future sister in law help

Hi Everyone,
I just got engaged in September and we booked a friday night wedding in November 2006. We are both the babies of our family so as you can imagine we have alot of nices and nephews. We decided early on that there would be no kids at our reception including our nieces and nephews. All of our siblings with spouses are in our wedding party. It would jusy be too much, and we did not want that type of wedding. We spoke to our parents and made sure they were in agreement. We has the no kids discussion with the three siblings of mine that had kids, and they were happy because they want to be able to have a good time, and they do not want to have to worry about their kids causing mischief. My fiance has two sisters, his one sister said the same thing as my siblings and respected our decision. His other sister was very pissed, turned it on me telling me that I am excluding his family who adore their uncle. She made me feel like a pice of crap and made me cry. It was absolutely horrible. In the end just so I could leave, I just said we would give in , so she wants to bring a television and a baby sitter to my reception. Well need less to say we are not going to allow that to happen. But we decided to revisit the issue with the other siblngs and they feel they are there for us and even if they were allowed to bring their kids, they would still not bring them to the reception but all the kids will be welcome at the church. So when me and my fiance discussed it again, we both feel now that we are going back to our original decision and we are not having the kids. At this point we know this discussion with spark a family war, and to be honest I do not know when we should tell her our decision. Because if I wait til close to the wedding, we are going to have fighting and everything right before the wedding. When do you think we should tell her, I feel bad to hurt her, but she is only thinking of her feelings, not our feelings and what we want. I need help, I dont want this to cause a family war but on the same token it is not fair to other nieces and nephews at comparable ages that are being left home.
I have no clue what to do.

I'm in a very similar situation. My brothers are fine with the fact that their children aren't coming. However, my FH's brother is royally pissed off (and may not even come).

It basically boils down to this......it's OUR day. We are paying for ALL of it. We want it OUR way. I am not letting anyone dictate to me how our wedding should be. The wedding is not about them or their children. Whoever doesn't respect our wishes doesn't have to come.

If you cave in to what your FSIL wants, you'll be miserable on your wedding day. Is that what you want????

I would tell her sooner than later. She's probably going to be annoyed and she may make you feel bad, but maybe aftershe thinks about it for a couple of days or even a couploe of weeks she'll realize all the valid points you have about kids being at the wedding and that it is your guy's day and NOT hers!!

Good luck!!!!

I feel for you. It's so tough to try and please everyone. I agree you should tell her sooner than later and by the time the wedding rolls around, she will probably have gotten over it.

Although I am an only child and my FH has one sister w/o kids, we both have a lot of younger cousins who expect to be at the wedding. We just got engaged last week and are already having the children at the wedding argument. Both my FH and I are against having anyone under 13 there, but my parents would feel really bad not inviting our younger family members.

Good luck!

I totally agree that it's your day, and no one should put you in a position where you are made to feel obligated to do somthing that you don't want to do. I aslo agree that you should talk about it sooner rather than later, since your date is far enough off that she might come around if she's given enough time to blow up, vent and get over it.

Another option would be to organize the kids in a hotel room, and help to provide supervision during the reception. They could come to the ceremony, and then be dropped off (wherever the OOT guests are staying), so it seems as though you've made provisions for them.

I'm totally contradicting myself - because I don't think you should have to do this - but it's an option (my mom did it 30+ years ago and it worked great).

---

Posted by nferrandi

I would wait until after the holidays and then tell her, you and your FH have discussed it again and you have decided that there will be NO children at the wedding. Explain that it is a formal night time affair and you don't feel that is the place for a child. Tell her you can not make an exception for her because you aren't making exceptions for anyone. Since the other siblings are all ok with no kids, maybe you can enlist their help to calm their sister down.

---

I agree with nferrandi, I am sorry you are having this issue but remember it is your night!

Ok I'll have to disagree with everyone here, sorry... Why wouldn't you want your nieces and nephews at your reception, thats your immediate family. I dont blame your sister in law. I would just invite your strict nieces and nephews, no matter how many they are, and not the kids of everyone else. If other people say something, just say 'we only invited the kids of our brothers and sisters, no one else'. You also have to keep in mind that they may not have anyone to watch their kids. I think if you invite none of them, there will be a family war. Your sister in law is taking this as a sign of disrespect. If you want to talk more, you can FM me. Sorry that your going through this. Good luck.

---

Posted by Blu-ize

Simply stated, young children do not belong at a formal night time event. IMO

---

100% agree - they do not belong there at all, the fact that your FSIL is being so selfish should be no reflection on you. Stick to your guns - just be sure to be prepared for a delayed payback.... a friend of mine was in a similar situation - and said no to kids at her wedding... years later the same woman had kids who were left out of another siblings wedding just because of that grudge. People get really weird when it comes to weddings.

I am in a similar situation... the youngest of all of my cousins (one cousin alone has 8 children) and the last of my friends to get married. Of our original guest list of 91 people, if we invited only children under 12, there would be an additional 51 guests/children at our wedding. The only kids are FH's nieces and newphew who all live out of state.

This was never an issue with my cousins in the past because the last family wedding was 12 years ago and none of them had kids.

Might I also add, whether the wedding is day or night is irrelevant. My wedding is during the day and on a holiday so that's the argument I got from my cousin's wife. I point blank told her no kids and that I hoped they could still attend... she had 11 months to make arrangements.

I see your wedding date is late 2006... the parties in question have more than enough time to get their own babysitter etc.

I would stick to my guns on this or your wedding may look more like 'Romper Room' than a wedding.

Ok, Im in a sort of similar situation. My FH has an older brother,the best man, with a 1 year old. By the wedding he will be 3 and whether I say yea or nah, he will be at the wedding. He is the only 'child' for now within the families and even though we also said, 'NO children' for our reasons...there is no reasoning on their child, my soon to be nephew. Sometimes you just have to suck it up. Im sorry..I know!
Yea, of course it looks TERRIBLE to everyone else who has a kid and may want to bring to the wedding but, it is what it is. The ones that fight are the ones who get their way!!!

Its only the beginning! Good Luck!

Oh my, I sympathize. I had the same situation. Danfords is kind of a tight fit for our size guest list, so we wanted to limit the reception to adults only.

In addition, the ceremony is at 2:30, and the reception is from 6-11pm, so that is a long day for a child.

In our situation, the children in question involve a 5 year old, a 4 year old and a 3 year old. They are my FH's neices and nephews. We spoke to his family about it, explained how tight the room was, and that we would prefer not having kids at the reception. We thought we were making a nice overture by saying the kids were: 1) welcome at the church, 2) could attend the cocktail hour and have plenty to eat there, 3) and we would provide a babysitter for the kids for the 7-11pm reception, which is during their bedtime.

We did not hear any objections from his family and thought the matter was settled. Months later, his sister and brother protested.

After much heated debate, my FH and I gave in. We have had to cut 3 adults from our list to pay for kids who will not remember the evening very well. But my FH wanted to keep the peace in the family. Also, his family is very small and cutting them out is like cutting out a quarter of his family.

I am not happy about this, but I agreed to do it. I think it is important to keep the peace. However, in your case, all of the other siblings agree with your view, so I would use that to your advantage. Maybe have this woman's sister talk to her and explain why it is best the children stay home. Maybe this would sound better coming from her family and not from you. Good luck! I feel for you!