Girls, I need some advice (long, sorry)

I need some advice, ladies. I am a current poster on this board, but felt I had to change my name because I know my FMIL and my BM’s read this site.

I am having some issues with FH. I have spoken to him about some of them before, and now they are just getting to me.

All of you know (and so does he!) how much things cost for a wedding. Yet, it seems that he could care less. I have been saving all the money so far for the wedding. He makes just a little less than I do, but I am the only one putting anything in the savings account. I have had heart to heart talks to him about this twice already, and he had been putting in little amounts every week, which was fine by me, because he at least was saving SOMETHING. Now, for the past 2 months, I noticed that there has been no money put into the account by him. I mentioned something the other day, and his answer was, “Yeah, I know…” and that was it. Now I am starting to get P I S S E D.

It gets better. Now he wants to sell his car. I asked him, well, what are you planning on doing with the money? He owns the car outright, so there are no loans to pay off. His answer? “Well, I have wanted a motorcycle since I was 13, so I am gonna buy one, and then if I have any money left, MAYBE I’ll put it in the savings account.” He was totally serious. I BLEW my top. Now, don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT begrudge anyone anything, but come on. We need to be saving for a wedding. He would then drive around a truck that his dad gave him, which needs so many repairs that I have lost count! My thoughts were, to buy something cheaper, in good shape and then save the rest of the money. It seems all he does is want to spend money on toys! I have voiced my concerns, and they seem to go in one ear and out the other.

All I keep thinking about is that we need to save money for the wedding, our honeymoon, and a house. I feel like I am being a nag when I keep saying something to him about it, but I am tired of being worried all the time! I keep wondering if I am going to have to worry about this for the rest of my life? Am I going to have to worry about me saving money, and him spending it on frivilous things? What would you ladies do? This is really bothering me...

I can understand your frustration. You feel as though his priorities are a little mixed up. You need to talk to him calmly. You need to know what he is feeling inside. It's all about COMPROMISE. He should be able to do the things he likes to do and so should you. Maybe he's upset that the wedding is going to cost a lot and feels he would rather spend the money in other ways which I can understand, but you have to be happy too. He wants a motorcycle and you want a wedding. Again, you need to compromise so both of you can be happy. A wedding these days costs sooooo much and sometimes I honestly think that the money could be put to better use. Like you said, you're trying to buy a house too.

Something else to keep in mind. A man has a lot of pressures on him. The biggest one is knowing that he will need to be able to support a house, a wife and children, most likely without the help of his wife's salary. They need an out, some down time. If a motorcycle is one way, then that's o.k. It can't just be work, come home from work, work again with the kids after work, go to bed and then get up and start all over again the next day.

Talk to him. You'll get it worked out. It's not that he doesn't care about the wedding, he does, but he may be a little scared at the same time. Don't give him the answers either. Let him tell you what is really going on inside.

I hope this makes sense, and that I've helped you a little.

I went through the exact same financial situation. I got very frustrated over the course of time.

I finally sat down and calmly explained to him that I understood it was a lot of money. Of course we COULD spend this $$ on other things, but this is a choice WE made. WE did not decide that I was going to pay for this alone. I explained to him that it was insulting to me and I felt like a creditor when I had to ask for money constantly. Me having to ask made me feel as if he didn't care. Further, it made me feel as if he was cheap. I did offer to call the whole thing off and elope if that's what he would prefer. (I wanted to elope in the first place, but not for $$ reasons, I'm a hopeless romantic) He understood all my points and agreed to be a little bit more attentive towards the money issues for the wedding. He wanted to help w/ the burdon, which I felt was all on my shoulders for a long time. He has totally made strides. I wouldn't say everything is 100% and totally perfect- we're human. I'd say, if I ask for money, it's usually not an argument or ignored anymore.

Talk to FH. Before you do, think of exactly how you feel about the $$, the motorcycle/car. Write it down if you need to help you remember everything you want to say!! I'm sure if you approach the topic this way, he'll be more receptive towards you and your needs, and the weddings needs.
Good luck!!!

Thank you ladies for responding...I really appreciate it!!

I am going to talk to him about things again tonite. I DO feel his priorities are screwed up. BUT, I still feel that I do not want to keep him from something he has always wanted- I just wonder if he could wait a little while, ya know? I guess that is where the compromising comes in...

Again, ladies, thanks. It's nice to know that I am not the only one going through things like this!

No problem. You're on the right track! If he could wait a little while, it would be fine. That's a good compromise. You're not saying he CAN'T have it!

I looked at your profile, and read you are getting married in 2005, which means you have a long time to save. If it were me, I would approch the situation in a different way all together. First I would would not make the conversation sound so serious. Most guys really don't want to get too involved with all the details of the weddings (in other words ) not talking about the wedding all the time. I would just speak to him and set the dollar amount you and he will put away every week from each of your paychecks. And the rest is money he can use to spend on what he needs to or wants to. That way at least you both will be contributing towards the wedding and maybe in a few months you can say, let 's both deposit another ten or twenty dollars more each week. I know from some past friends who went thru this situation, eventually the FI gets angry, and feels like his freedom to make decisions have been taken away. The last thing you want to happen is for him to start to regret having getting engaged. Let him get the motorcycle. Another thing to consider is the guy friends, and how they can start teasing him ......They start telling him, see your freedom is already over before you're even married, she is already making your decisions, etc. That 's the last thing you need. Hopefully this way you both will have what you want and you both can enjoy being engaged. Hope this was helpful...

Thanks for the advice, 2Untamed...That date in the profile is not the right wedding date. I just had to put something in so that I could get the new name. I actually don't have too much time left before the wedding, so that is why I am stressing over this so much....

Thanks again, ladies!

Oh, then I would still not make the bike an issue, maybe he feels that if he doesn't get it before you are married, he will not be able to get it, because you will have other expenses... .. Maybe you could suggest that you open a charge card for the final expenses of the weeding and after the wedding you both can pay it off after the wedding, with the money you receive at the reception??? It might take some stress and pressure off him. Plus you're reminding him that you both will be getting money at the reception.

I would suggest talking to him openly about your concerns. Tell him exactly what you said here - that you ar worried about money and you feel that him maiking such a huge investment AT THIS TIME might be unwise. That' s not to say that after the wedding it would be impossible - but right now isn't the best time for it.

If he makes less money than you, could it be possible that he feels guilty about not being able to contribute as much as you can to the wedding. This may be his way of acting out!

Whatever the situation though, it certainly needs to be resolved before the wedding. Think about the future when you have kids to pay for - will he understand the importance of new shoes over a new toy for himself.

Good Luck!

I know how you feel- I'm going through the exact same thing right now. When is your wedding date? (If u don't mind my asking) Give it some time, and try to approach him about it one more time. Give him time and maybe he'll come around.

As for you worring that this will always be-- it's one of the things that come along with marriage. The #1 thing couples fight about is their finances. It's just one of the many things that we, as women, have to learn how to deal with. Men don't always think rationally- all they know is what they want now.

FH and I have lived togehter for 2 years with shared finances. Our first money fight was this week over the cost of flowers.

Weddings are a lot of money and this adds to an already stressful event. We updated and re-valuated our 'budget' and things seem to be better now. I had to let him cool off one day and then emphasized what was important to me for us to spend money on the wedding day.

We both made compromises, but I think we will both feel very satisfied once the wedding day comes.

PS, it made me feel better to look at 'my' financial portfolio and know I could pay for it all if I had to. But it is nice to reach an agreement with FH.

Good luck!!

You def need to sit down and talk, not shout with your FH.. like the ladies have said, it's all about compromise.. what guys don't often admit is that this is a big step and the whole planning and doing it all together can sometimes be overwhelming for them..

Good luck sweetie!

I am out of work and FI has been paying for everything with the wedding while I am out. When I had a temp job I paid for as much as I could with the wedding, while he saved his money. Then when the temp gig was up whatever he saved we compromised as to what to do with the money. We paid off some debts, put money into the wedding account, and went out to diner a few nights.

He wants to fix the motorcycle, get something done to the car and a few other things where I want to get stuff done for the wedding. So we just compromised on things and it worked out.

I agree its all about doing compromises. This way everyone is happy.