Got in a fight with FH AND his sister... UPDATED

Sooo upset AND angry...

whenever my FH gets together with his 25 y/o sister, they act like they're 9 years old. I've had a problem with them in the past where I always feel like I'm the brunt of their jokes. Not in a MEAN way, just in a teasing way. But I'm not my FH's sibling... I'm his fiance, and I feel that there should be a certain level of respect shown towards me by both of them... not a big target for them to poke fun of. So, I've mentioned this to him before, and I believe he must have said something to his sister that made her act better in our house because she stopped acting so childish with him while she was with him - especially in a way that made me the brunt of their 'jokes'. (I understand this is their sense of humor - they make fun of each other, too, but I don't appreciate it).

Well, today it happened again. For like 5 minutes, they were making fun of me. Not BAD, just making light of the fact that I had food poisoning, saying some jokes about how I'm gonna be all anorexic now because of it (that was her, but my FH laughed), making fun of a stupid joke I made earlier in the day that my FH told her about and she was making fun, making fun that I went to the American Idol concert with my mom, making fun that I went to see Bon Jovi twice last week (we sold tonight's tix because I still don't feel well), etc.... all this in like 5 minutes, like an attack. Now, I've been REALLY sensitive lately. It took everything not to cry - and my FH's cousin saw that and she tried to change the subject. I just hate how friggin' immature they get with each other - and he just doesn't stick up for me at all to stop him and her. MY sense of humor doesn't include ripping on other people like theirs does, so it'snot fair when I'm their subject. I feel like I deserve some respect.

So, she talked her way into going with us for tuxes,and I didn't speak to him the whole time. And at one point, I was trying to take care of business at the tux place and they were acting like 9 year olds making some stupid joke that they tried to point out to me, and when I didn't laugh 'enough' his sister said a snotty 'whatever' to me. I said 'DON'T 'whatever' me.' THEY make me feel like I'm their parent or something because of the immature way THEY act. My FH asked while we were there if I was gonna pout the whole day. I didn't answer them since that wasn't the place to talk. Then when we were alone, I told him that he better watch how he acts when he's with his sister because I don't appreciate being the butt of their jokes when they're together. He told me i have to lighten up and get a sense of humor. I said that I have one, I just don't appreciate it when they're together and they have no respect for me. I told him that if he doesn't say something to his sister, then I will, and he better not do this tomorrow (the three of us are going to a family event in one car) - and he said, 'Don't worry - we just won't talk to you at all'. . So, I said, 'You know what? If you won't... i will. So I called her right in front of him and told her that I would appreciate not being the butt of her jokes, and SHE told me that I have to get the stick out of my butt because she's sick of having to act differently around me and that I act like an old woman!!! I told her that she has to stop acting like a 9 year old and grow up. She said this is why she doesn't come over to our house so much anymore (GOOD! she's annoying! meanwhile, I was going to let her LIVE with use when their mom moved to FL!). So, now she called her mom and she's going to the family thing tomorrow with her and her sister (who knows how annoying she is). But my FH and I haven't said two words to each other since 4:30 and we have to go to this family thing tomorrow.



UPDATE BELOW

feel better

It just sounds like they are acting like children. I love joking around and having fun but not at another person's expense.

I know they're immature, and he should be thanking GOD I am mature because if it weren't for me, he wouldn't have a great career now, living in a great house, with a GREAT life about to marry a GREAT woman. THAT'S what maturity gets you. IMMATURITY gets you what he HAD before me and what his sister has, so he should be happy I have a 'stick up my butt' and am mature.

It just upsets me that he hasn't apologized or acknowledged that this upsets me. I feel like he should have been the one to say something to his sister... not me. And I just had a VERY nice night with his mom and his other sister, who are on my level of maturity and who I'm SURE know what happened because his other sister is now in their car tomorrow (which sister #2 isn't too thrilled about) and they were acting totally fine. Joe was outside on the cell with sister #1 I'm sure talking about me about the whole thing, which really upsets me. And the fact that he hasn't said anything to me I'm sure means he wasn't making her understand my feelings. He was probably taking her side and making HER feel better, which upsets me even more.

He has a habit of sticking up for his family, which really causes some resentment with me, even though I LOVE his other sister and mom.

You said what you had to and if they can't handle it, tough. He's not going to change how he is around his sister. This is the way he's been forever with her. This is all he knows. So, it's hard for him to change. But he should be able to tone it down for your sake. If he doesn't, then you need to have a serious talk.

Awww! I know what you mean, I hate to be the joke, even if it is just silly teasing. I'm very sensitive about that also. I would talk to FH, tell him how hurt you were, I;m sure he will get the picture. Hope it gets better!

I actually can't even imagine Vinny talking ABOUT me to his sister and not defending me in regards to ANY feeling I had about something... So the fact that he could do that to you is really upsetting! That's terrible, I understand that family is very important but you come #1 no matter WHAT!!

I am all about laughing, joking around, etc. I bust my FSIL's chops all the time and vice-versa. Me and her BF tease each other-- but NEVER in a way like that. It never crosses that line!! It sounds a lot like passive aggression-- the way that they keep on going and HOW they say it (from what you wrote). That's just awful and I'm so sorry you are going through this. If I were you, I would have done the same thing (if not worse) when she said 'whatever' to me. My FSIL had too much to drink once and put her hand in my face-- I actually almost killed her LOL!!! But afterwards of course she said she was sorry and everything is fine, we are very close, but I almost killed her!!!!

So I totally agree with you being upset. Even if your FH feels that the joking is alright-- the 'whatever' is NEVER, EVER going to be OK! There is NO excuse for that kind of behavior or way of speaking-- if she was really 'just kidding with you' she would never use that tone when speaking TO you! Again, I'm so sorry. Be strong and tuff, stand your ground. If he doesn't come to you and talk, or try to respond when you say 'I want to talk about this and work through it' then I wouldn't go to whatever that function is tomorrow. If it's for his family I would tell him to go alone b/c you are not ready to be a couple with him until he is ready to do the 'right' thing as a couple and work through a problem/disagreement that you are having... If it's something for your family I would tell him that you were going alone and that until he talks to you about this and tries to, even if he does not agree, UNDERSTAND where you are coming from you are not going to continue to ACT like you two are in a healthy, open communication relationship-- b/c you can't 'play pretend', you can't be expected to put on a happy face when he doesn't care enough to say, 'honey, what's wrong? how can I help?'

So that's what I would do. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. If he was willing to talk to you, it would be different-- but no words since this afternoon?! NO WAY! I have gotten in huge fights with Vinny's sister-- he would NEVER do that so something is not right. And there are going to be disagreements-- it happens to EVERYONE-- but just b/c he does not see eye to eye with you does not make you WRONG... NO ONE can tell you that your FEELINGS are wrong. The best he can do if he does not feel the same way is to try and understand-- but there is no way you should allow him treating you like your incorrect for having feelings like a normal human being.

I hope I have helped instead of making you more upset-- but this is something that he needs to do. Even if this issue with his sister was no big deal (just hypothetically)... the fact that he cannot talk to you and WORK through problems, come to a compromise, offer to mediate between you and his sister, etc is THE BIGGEST part of the problem... Best of luck, so sorry again I really feel that it will get better-- he just needs to realize and I think you taking tuff action will make him realize

ETA: HANG IN THERE!!!

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Posted by tiffandmatt

Awww! I know what you mean, I hate to be the joke, even if it is just silly teasing. I'm very sensitive about that also. I would talk to FH, tell him how hurt you were, I;m sure he will get the picture. Hope it gets better!

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I did talk to him. He told me to lighten up. And when i said that I deserve respect from him and his sister, he said, 'who are you? The Godfather?' HE even said I have a stick up my butt (which I don't - i'm just more mature than him). And I told him that when he makes fun of me in front of other people, it gives permission to other people for them to act that way towards me, which I don't appreciate. He just doesn't get it.

I got so upset once when she was at my house once (she stays for the weekend when she's over and REALLY makes herself at home and kind of overstays her welcome, which ticks me off) and we were watching Wheel of Fortune and there was this poor girl with a nervous tick and EVERY time she twitched on the show, FH's sis laughed her butt off! I told her to stop, that it's sooo not nice to laugh at this poor girl, and she says, 'well, she's asking for it! She shouldn't have gone on national t.v.'. She continued to laugh the whole half hour EVERY TIME the poor girl twitched. FH even had to tone her down. And today she even brought that up as proof that she has to 'change who she is around me because I act like an old woman'. No... I act older than an adolescent.

By the way.... she's a bridesmaid. THEY BETTER NOT ACT LIKE THIS ON MY WEDDING DAY.

wow, sarah-- another thing you need to start doing is going right back at this b!tch... i would have been like, oh she shouldn't have went on wheel of fortune? but you are so perfect that YOU could have gone on? and I would have laughed and been like, no offense-- but people who live in glass houses should NOT throw stones. and i would have left it at that...

you are so smart and quick, i would go back at her in a firm and subtle way but still make a really sharp point.... and if she gets nasty i would just be like, oh i'm sorry i was just being honest-- i dont think it's fair for you to knock this girl on TV b/c you are not perfect either.... and i would say, neither am i but i know that-- that's why i'm not making fun of someone on TV... i would have been like 'why do you have to be so negative all the time'-- just ask her that ONCE-- and explain that if she was more positive, it would make her look like she was a lot happier with herself as a person-- and be like I guess you are not that happy with yourself b/c you seem to feel the need to pick others apart-- and it's sad....

sarah, you have a lot of stuff that you could do to this girl-- hey, it might not make the situation better, it might not be taking the high road-- but i'm not saying curse her out, i would just stick up for yourself and what the RIGHT way of acting is! at least, if it does NOTHING to help the situation, it will make you feel better and make her look like a mean and insecure person!

People who act like that are insecure and afraid of something in their lives.

Or - Just plain mean :( :( :( :(

I think it's great that they get along but he has to realize that you are his #1 and he should be a little more sensitive to your feelings.

I know you already have an obligation to go to this family thing but I wouldnt! You'll be sorry by the end of the night with the two of them together and both pissed at you, if you thought you were a target before... I've had to deal with family members like this. I would call your FMIL and explain the situation and tell her that unfortunetly because he doesnt take your feelings into consideration you would be to uncomfortable going and then maybe he'll get how upset you really are. That's just horrible that neither of them care enough about what their so called harmless jokes are doing to you! Good luck with it all and I hope you can eventually put them both in their place.

FH likes to tease me, but when it goes too far I tell him and he apologizes. Some people don't realize that teasing actually hurts a person. Good for you for sticking up for yourself. You FH should be doing the same thing and not make you the brunt of his jokes everytime he's with his sister.
FM me if you need to vent!

Hunny, good for you that you said something to her!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't let this girl walk all over you, You totally did the right thing by letting her know how you feel. If you don't feel comfortable going to this family thing then DON'T GO! Just say you don't feel well and excuse yourself from it! Going to these things in a bad state of mind is no good anyway!!! Hang in there, I think when your FH realizes how much this joking thing hurts you he'll try not to do it anymore! Good luck!
XOXOXO
Kitty

Not to sound like a complete B!tch but I would have to have a serious talk about how FH doesn't even acknowledge your feelings. It's just something else for him to joke about. Additionally, by asking you to marry him, he should be putting you first and at least attempting to understand your side and stick up for you despite who the other person is. He needs to understand that he and his sister have 25 years of history and that their joking is fine for them, but she doesn't know you 'like that' and has no right to make you the butt of her jokes.

But on the other hand, you do come off a little condescending (and a little parental) with the commentary that they're immature and your more mature than them etc.You have a different sense of humor - that doesn't make you the right one either. Fact is you know your guy can act like a big kid and when he's with his family he's going to. You've got to accept that and learn to deal with it. Learn to put yourself out of harms way if you have thin skin (like walk away if they start clowning on you or don't attend the family event today) or learn to participate (and hit them where it hurts to make a point). The current path you're taking is only going to cause issues between your FH and you. It seems like he's not going to choose you over his sister - especially if his perception is that you have a stick up your butt and you're the one in the wrong.

JMO. Good Luck.

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Posted by kase21

Not to sound like a complete B!tch but I would have to have a serious talk about how FH doesn't even acknowledge your feelings. It's just something else for him to joke about. Additionally, by asking you to marry him, he should be putting you first and at least attempting to understand your side and stick up for you despite who the other person is. He needs to understand that he and his sister have 25 years of history and that their joking is fine for them, but she doesn't know you 'like that' and has no right to make you the butt of her jokes.

But on the other hand, you do come off a little condescending (and a little parental) with the commentary that they're immature and your more mature than them etc.You have a different sense of humor - that doesn't make you the right one either. Fact is you know your guy can act like a big kid and when he's with his family he's going to. You've got to accept that and learn to deal with it. Learn to put yourself out of harms way if you have thin skin (like walk away if they start clowning on you or don't attend the family event today) or learn to participate (and hit them where it hurts to make a point). The current path you're taking is only going to cause issues between your FH and you. It seems like he's not going to choose you over his sister - especially if his perception is that you have a stick up your butt and you're the one in the wrong.

JMO. Good Luck.

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Very well said...I agree. Family will always come 1st for some people and you'll have to adjust to the way they act. They seem like my DH's family- joking around alot and teasing each other. At first, I was very upset by that but now I even join in and it feels great to just laugh with my new family.

OMG!

just WAIT until you guys have kids!!!

DH and his daughters are RELENTLESS with teasing - luckily it rolls off my back - but man, as soon as you try and take yourself seriously a small iota - bam - you are right back down on the ground!!!!
Theres no winning when kids are involved - this just may have to be your practice!!!

Feel better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!