Brides Helping Brides ™ - Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

aidamarie Posted: Mar 22, 2005 12:53 AM

Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

Hi Ladies, Im having a little problem, maybe you can help. My brother past away in June very unexpectedly, My family is still in morning. My problem is this, I only have one Grandparent left, my grandmother. I went to see her today and she tells me shes not coming to my wedding. So im taken back and ask why, and she says because my bridal party will be in black. Being the little old italian lady she is, she said woman should never wear black in a bridal party, thats its a death color, And it reminds her of my brothers funeral. I dont see that at all, and it didnt bother my mother when i chose black. My wedding is 3 1/2 months away, my bridal party already bought there dresses. What should i do.

And my 2nd thing is I want to have a memorial candle for my brother at my wedding, I really miss him and wish he was there. It makes me cry everytime i think hes not gonna be there, he promised me a dance at my wedding, while he was on his death bed. It makes me so sad, It hurts so much. Do you think its too much to have a memorial candle at a wedding. Or does anyone have any suggestions on how i can show him that i wish he was there with me and that i send him a formal invitation to heaven.

marymoon Posted: Mar 22, 2005 12:57 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

I think the memorial candle is a GREAT idea. Maybe you can write little message in your program also. Can your mom talk to your grandma? You've all been throgh enough pain with the death of your brother, maybe your grandma can be convinced to not miss out on this important joyous celebration. Maybe your mom cna explain that you need her there because you can't imagine getting married without your brother and now without your grandma too.

I hope it all works out I'm so sorry you had to lose your brother.

aidamarie Posted: Mar 22, 2005 12:59 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

My mom called her tonight and she wouldnt even discuss the wedding. She said its a disgrace. I feel so bad, i have no idea what to do at this point.

marymoon Posted: Mar 22, 2005 01:01 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

That's awful. She must be really hurting. I don't know what to do other than have your mom keep trying to convince her.

Would you be totally against getting new dresses for the girls if you can? Maybe between you and your mom you can pay for them, and then the black dress is something they can just always keep. It might be worth it to have your grandma at your wedding,

aidamarie Posted: Mar 22, 2005 01:04 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

That could be a possibility, i would definately have to pay for all the dresses though. Most of my BP doesnt have a lot of money.

marymoon Posted: Mar 22, 2005 01:05 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

Maybe your mom or your grandma will help you. I know the hassle and spending money aren't what you needed right now, but when you're at your wedding and your grandma is there, it'll be worth it. If she weren't there, you would think 'why couldn't ai just change the dresses', and some day, in many years, when grandma passes away, you'll have that memory of her being there, and that'll be worth a lot more than the dresses.

aidamarie Posted: Mar 22, 2005 01:11 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

Thank you, i really appreciate it. It kinda makes me think the dress color isnt worth her not being there.

marymoon Posted: Mar 22, 2005 01:18 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

yeah, I mean I know she's being totally stubborn, and you shouldn't have to go through all of this, but in the long run it'll be worth it to have her there. I'd do anything to have my nana at my wedding.

ssdbk Posted: Mar 22, 2005 01:23 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

I am wondering if she might come around. She is also very sad that your brother won't be there. She may just be looking for an excuse not to attend a 'fun' event while she is still sad. Although you don't have a lot of time, I think that maybe if you leave the issue alone for a bit she will come around. Also, maybe if you tell her that you tried to change the color after you found out how she felt, but explain that it was not possible, she will feel respected.

As for honoring your brother: We will have several family photo displays at our wedding. In the mix of photos, there will be some photos of people who are gone. We will have some of my grandparents at various ages. Maybe you can do something similar. A candle is a nice touch and so is mention in a program.

I'm sorry for your loss. In your own way you will have your dance with your brother.

aidamarie Posted: Mar 22, 2005 02:21 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

Posted by ssdbk

I am wondering if she might come around. She is also very sad that your brother won't be there. She may just be looking for an excuse not to attend a 'fun' event while she is still sad. Although you don't have a lot of time, I think that maybe if you leave the issue alone for a bit she will come around. Also, maybe if you tell her that you tried to change the color after you found out how she felt, but explain that it was not possible, she will feel respected.

As for honoring your brother: We will have several family photo displays at our wedding. In the mix of photos, there will be some photos of people who are gone. We will have some of my grandparents at various ages. Maybe you can do something similar. A candle is a nice touch and so is mention in a program.

I'm sorry for your loss. In your own way you will have your dance with your brother.

Thank you, I think i want to do the photo too, but not to be selfish, i only want to have a picture of my brother and the candle for him with maybe a poem. I know we have lost other family members in our life, and i loved them all, but i have never mourned or felt like a piece of my heart was missing as much as it is for him. I know I will have my dance with him in my heart.

janwinterbridejoy Posted: Mar 22, 2005 07:05 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

im so sorry for your loss it was be horrible losing your brother so close to your wedding. but remember he will be there with you in spirit.
maybe you can buy a shawl or jacket for the dresses in a brighter color instead so that it breaks up the black. i would try and do something to make her come if she is your only grandparent alive it would be such a shame that she wasnt there to share your day and be a part of the pictures and video so you will have them for the future. i would give it a try speaking to her with your mom present and maybe you both can get through to her and let her help in the planning of the memorial you will have for your brother. maybe she can do a reading or light the candle so she has a bigger reason for coming and maybe we will be able to get over the black dress issue easier. i hope it works out

AnniesSS Posted: Mar 22, 2005 07:10 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

Posted by aidamarie

My mom called her tonight and she wouldnt even discuss the wedding. She said its a disgrace. I feel so bad, i have no idea what to do at this point.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss I couldn't imagine it, but lighting a candle in his memory is a wonderful way to include him in your wedding, but I'm sure it will be emotional for you.

As for granny - that's tough. I could understand it more if it were your mom getting upset over it, but your grandma? Very odd. It's her loss if she doesn't show up and you have to move on with your life and not just mourn your brother. It is a happy time for you and taking a break and being happy is good for you. Sorry you are dealing with this. Here's another

jimmysgrl Posted: Mar 22, 2005 09:07 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss My gosh, I cannot even imagine what you must be going through. I agree with the other girls, though, the added expense of changing the dresses may be better as long as your grandma is there. I'm sorry that that is put on you but its so hard because at that age, she's probably not going to change her opinion, some parents/ grandparents are so stuck in their ways

Again, I can't even tell you how sorry I am that you are going through all of this

salsbride06 Posted: Mar 22, 2005 09:56 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

most people do a memorial candle with a picture of the person by it. i dont think that it is a bad idea at all. i'm not sure what advice to give you about you little italian grandma......those old italians are hard to change.

Mrs. dleeny Posted: Mar 22, 2005 09:59 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

I don’t think it is too much at ALL to light a memorial candle. I think that would be lovely.

marc_rai Posted: Mar 22, 2005 10:03 AM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

WedHead Posted: Mar 22, 2005 10:21 PM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

Honestly, I would go to a discount store or get new dresses off the rack for your girls. Maybe they can sell their existing dresses on ebay or something like that and use the money for new dresses. I'm sure they'll all understand.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss and I think you should do whatever you want to do in memory of your brother. Dedicate a song to him (maybe that you can dance to with your grandmother), have photos, do a memory candle. Whatever you need to do to bring his spirit there.

If you have another color in mind, let us know - we can all keep our eyes open for discount dresses for you. I know I am a good scout for a discount.

Good luck!

Jamie&MarkSept.'05 Posted: Mar 22, 2005 10:26 PM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are continuing to experience.

As far as remembering your brother at your wedding...I like the idea of leaving an empty seat for that person and placing a small bouquet or corsage there....

I hope your Grandma comes around...keep us posted!

FireIslandLove Posted: Mar 22, 2005 10:33 PM

Re: Grandma Refuses to come to my wedding HELP?

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss.
You must be really stressing over this and I feel so bad for you! Can your girls wear wraps/pashminas in colors and maybe necklaces with color? And maybe you can do a donation to a certain foundation for your brother if you think you might not be able to get through the memory candle. We did the memory candle for DH's father - it was very nice and I'm glad we did it. And you can also add something in the program.