Brides Helping Brides ™ - Has anyone had regrets

NIHA Posted: Mar 24, 2002 09:06 AM

Has anyone had regrets

about planning a big wedding?? I've been engaged for almost 3 months and have been going non-stop w/ planning. Now, we're done w/ almost everything already, I guess b/c we tried to keep it as simple as possible, but it still is a bigger deal than we had originally planned. I think I was easily influenced by vendors and the commercial world of weddings, but it's not all really ME. This last week or so, I'm not as excited as I was in the beginning about having the wedding itself. When I look back at how all I talked about to my boyfriend of 4 years was getting married,and I still want that, but I think the wedding day planning has gotten in the way of us and my feelings. I don't know if it's becuase I'm exhausted from planning, or b/c I've been obsessing about it. Or, did we have too short of an enagement, booked everything too fast (the main vendors were all booked w/in a month), and should have really thought about the $$ and what we wanted. Actually my fi wanted a very small affair b/c he's been married before and had the whole wedding thing, but I really wanted a special day for me and us. I feel that I've lost the meaning of why I want to marry my fi in the first place. I also feel that maybe we should have just had a civil service ceremony or a getaway wedding, and celebrated w/ our families later. Basically I've lost excitement and want the feeling that I had for the last couple of months back. Also, we are spending our savings for a house, and this doesn't help. Things that didn't bother me (or that I accepted) about our relationship are bothering me more now....anyone else feel this way???

missmmpr Posted: Mar 24, 2002 09:36 AM

Has anyone had regrets

!!!

Teri Posted: Mar 24, 2002 10:05 AM

Has anyone had regrets

I think, especially in the the NY area, it`s easy to get caught up in the entire wedding planning process. Around here, it`s more popular to have huge formal affairs, so it`s normal to want to book the best vendors, order an expensive gown, etc. I don`t remember the exact number, but I`ve read that in the NY area, the total spent on an average wedding was probably twice that of some other parts of the country.

I too didn`t want a huge wedding at first - I thought about ways to make it smaller, more initmate, but it hasn`t really worked!

The most frustrating thing for me was deciding where to draw the line with expenses, knowing we want to buy a house shortly after the wedding. All this money that we`re spending could easily be put towards a down payment on a house, but in the end, I`d probably regret not having the wedding we`re planning.

What you probably need is a break from all the planning. I was engaged over a year ago, so I had plenty of time to research vendors, etc, but I almost snapped a few months ago. I had to step back and keep everything in perspective. Once you take a break from all the stress, hopefully, you`ll have a different outlook on everything.

Good luck to you!

bnjoyful Posted: Mar 24, 2002 11:35 AM

Nina...

Well, you said a lot there! From what you`ve written in previous posts, you really did what you could to make your wedding special for you...keeping costs down but still being able to celebrate your day. This is all very overwhelming! And there`s a lot to plan, so it seems like every minute of every day we are thinking about something wedding related.
But remember why you are doing this in the first place...the wedding details are only part of the big picture.
The end of your message actually confused me cuz you went from regretting planning a big wedding, to saying things in your relationship are bothering you. Maybe you are just getting the two mixed up. I have heard that planning a wedding can get you and your fiance a little crazy...so much so that you may both get to the point of wanting to call everything off!! Try not to let that happen...I know, easier said than done. Funny thing is, we freaked out too recently! It seems like we all are going through something. But that doesn`t mean you love your FI any less or that you don`t want to marry him.
What is it that you regret about having a big wedding anyway? Cuz at this point, it`s too late...you planned everything already!! If you regret who it is that you`re marrying, then that`s a different story. But that`s not what I`m hearing from you.
You deserve everything you have planned...we are all entitled to feel special on our big day! If you`re thinking you went a little overboard...well, so what? You splurged a little...it`s a once in a lifetime deal...right?
Relax, take a deep breathe. Not much longer now. Go for a massage or something...come to think of it, I could use one too!!! :)

tarakinspa Posted: Mar 24, 2002 03:54 PM

Nina...

hey girls!
Figured I'd post too because I am feeling the exact same way! I am 2 months engaged and although I have only booked reception site and church I have thought and researched every day! I am so overwhelmed and my FH is studying for an exam so I am all alone until May. His parents are sort of taking his place.....and driving me nuts! I post on the UW site and it just seems as though us New yorkers go so overboard, I tend to agree that it's stupid. I want a house as well, more than aything, and after a statement by his father 'it's either a wedding OR a house' I would rather choose the house, I mean you can live in a house 30 years, a wedding is only 5 hours!I just feel so pressured by what is expected in new york, by his family etc. why do you have to spend a ridiculous amount of money including possible savings for life after the wedding for people to be happy? or not laugh at you! I almost want to just forget the whole thing I dont know where to cut corners to save and it's scary! I guess at least although I hate that my FH is not involved and especially because he allows his family to badger me I know in my heart I want to marry him and thats really what its all about anyway, Well hope my inclusion of overwhelmed frustrating feelings has made you feel better. Dont worry at least you can vent on the posts.

NIHA Posted: Mar 24, 2002 05:54 PM

Thanks everyone...

I am realizing that I've had some major life changes all which happened in the last 3 months, and I'm under tremendous stress right now. My mother died in December, I graduated w/ my Masters (after a very stressfull semester of working full time and studying), I started a new job, and I got engaged.
My fi and I have gotten through other rough times together and I know we can do it again. Several of you mentioned couples counseling, and I might consider this. But, the whole wedding planning thing just turned me off for the past few days. I know that when I go for my dress fitting this saturday, I'll be excited again :)
Thanks for your advice!!

Teri Posted: Mar 24, 2002 06:59 PM

Nina

I`m sorry to hear about your mother - that alone can explain your stress. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things to go through, so it`s no doubt that it will affect school, wedding planning, etc.

Counseling will definitely help sort out your feelings.

DianaL Posted: Mar 25, 2002 12:17 AM

The engagement honeymoon syndrome?

A friend at work who was engaged 3 months before I was said that I still had the engagement glow, but that would fade soon. 4 months later I have to admit that my enthusiasm with planning has diminished. That could be a result of having a lot done. Or the engagement honeymoon period has ended?

Maybe it is the phase of the moon, but my FH and I had our first arguement since we got engaged this weekend. I put it all in perspective, and things are back to normal. Even my FH, who was extremely into planning the wedding seems a bit burned out with it all. I didn't visit a single vendor site all weekend, and when I signed onto the web, I had no place to go.

Seems as though the planning has its hills and valleys, as does any relationship.

michele31 Posted: Mar 25, 2002 12:49 PM

Maybe this will help Nina

I agree with Teri a lot. Losing your Mother, especially during this time in your life is heart breaking. I lost both of my grandmothers 4 years ago and I still get upset that they are not with me while I making all of these plans. Grief counciling might really help.
Also, I think that we all need to take a step back every once and a while and remember that the wedding is just one day. Marriage is for 50+ years. Don't feel pressure to have a wedding that everyone expects you to have. If you want a small Sunday afternoon brunch then do that, or have a 30 person sit down dinner if you want. You need to be happy with the choses you are making.

And if you have any doubts about the marriage, don't blow them off. They are there for a real reason. I know because I called off an engagement many years ago. I just knew it was not right for us to get married. Thank God I listened to my 'inner voice' because now I have Scott and we are really happy together. I have NO doubts this time.

I really hope that your life calms down a bit. Maybe if you go away for a weekend with a girlfriend, or just go out for dinner and a movie and make a rule, 'NO wedding talk' it will help you.

kmcwed Posted: Mar 22, 2003 12:03 PM

Re: Maybe this will help Nina

I totally agree! I'm 2.5 months away from my wedding now, and I'm starting to wish we had the small, intimate wedding I originally wanted. I wanted a simple church service, and then an elegant dinner for many 20 or 30 people, mostly parents, brothers and sisters and a few close friends.

I even considered eloping! But my FH said it wasn't fair to our families to elope and they would be hurt if they couldn't share our day with us. So we started planning a 'real' wedding.

We're not spending a lot of money, but we're having a theme wedding, and there are a lot of extra details that go into it. I'm SO stressed! This has been a hard year for me. I got engaged, my mother had spinal surgery, my father was diagnosed with cancer and had chemo treatments, I'm planning the wedding, and my best friend dropped out of the wedding (and our friendship is over).

On top of that, my FH is studying for a promotion exam that will take place the DAY BEFORE our wedding! So I have to do alot of the planning myself. I'm also going to be moving somewhere I don't want to go.....let's see....anything else????

So, I have found my enthusiasm for this wedding to be almost squashed. I almost can't wait for it to be over!!

When feeling so stressed, it's easy to feel bothered by EVERYTHING else in your life. I think that includes your FH. Things that you overlooked or didn't bother you in the past, now seem so irritating. But its only because we're stressed! It's like PMS! You just have a lower tolerance for things.

This weekend I'm doing the invitations and will mail them probably Monday or Tuesday. I've actually had a thought pass my mind....'We'll, this is it. Once the invites go out, it's really a done deal!' Almost like my last chance to call it all off. It bothers me that I'm thinking this way, but deep down I know it's just stress (and PMS) and that I know I couldn't ask for a better guy than my FH! He really is just awesome.

Sorry to ramble! I guess I'm saying that it's common to feel stressed, and it's all part of the wedding planning game. Try not to mistake feelings of stress for feelings of doubt about your FH.

KarenM

Diane Posted: Mar 22, 2003 12:33 PM

Re: Maybe this will help Nina

nope...I would do it all over in a heartbeat.

Sunny Posted: Mar 22, 2003 12:51 PM

Re: Maybe this will help Nina

Before we started planning, my mother told us she would give us the money instead if we wanted. It was very tempting!!!
But, I decided that if I didn't have a wedding, I would regret it forever.