Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

It's amazing how you find out who your 'Real Friends' are when you plan your wedding. I had to ask a bridesmaid to step down because she wasn't reliable and being from another country she does not know what responsiblities came with being in a bridal party, not to mention she was in school (I postponed my engagement dinner TWICE because of her) and financially it wasn't possible for her. Well, after this happened, I asked if we were still 'cool' and she said 'Yes', needless to say, I haven't heard from her in months, even though I've called SEVERAL times & left messages, I finally got in touch with her today & she's beyond pissed at me for doing that to her. She said that I should have waited for her to finish school (she expected me to postpone planning for THREE months) so that she could help me. Then she proceeded to say that it wasn't fair to expect her to pitch in money for my shower and bachlorette party...OK.....Long story short, she made me out to seem like a b*tch for dropping her! Was I wrong? I tried to explain everything to her but right before I had her step down I told her was was expected of her & she said all she wanted to do was come and buy her dress (she doesn't know you have to order a dress) and show up the day of the wedding. I just feel horrible, not that I considered her to be a great friend anyway (we hadn't been close in years), but still.... I don't like people thinking the worst of me, when it was never my intention to hurt her & I apologized SEVERAL times for doing that.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

anyone??? I'm starting to think I AM a horrible person here!

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

You are not horrible at all. I think you and your friend had a HUGE miscommunication. For many reasons she is unable to be an active part of your bridal party. Many people forgot how much is involved. It isn't just to look pretty on the wedding day and carry flowers.
I think she was very unfair to ask you to hold-off your plans for her school schedule. Maybe if she was your sister and you both discussed it, but she is being super unfair about that.
You should write her a letter that you care about her and want her to be at the wedding. She only has to come and get a dress now- like she wanted in the first place.
You also both might need some time to 'cool-off' and realize if the friendship is worth saving or not.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

When you made your decision, you obviously felt it was a good decision. You have apologized for hurting her feelings. Since you had no intentions of hurting her feelings, you should not beat yourself up over this. Enjoy the rest of your planning.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

You are not horrible. I would have done the same thing. You said you called her so many times and she never called you back. I think she was out of line expecting you to plan your wedding around her and what worked best for her. It is your day. I think that she can still help out without being in the bridal party. I would just explain that you never heard from her and thought it would be difficult for her to be so involved from so far away. You can still have her do a reading or somthing special so that she feels important. I think you two can work this out but I don't think you were mean at all.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

Evelyn,

I think its a shame your friend hasn't forgiven you after the appologies, but perhaps your expectations were a bit high?!? She should have definitely forgiven you, although I can totally understand why she was upset. Can you perhaps try to talk with her again and explain that she wouldn't be able to be a bridesmaid even if she wanted to?

I am foreigner, living here, and 2 of my BM's are american, 1 is canadian, plus 2 sisters (one mine and one my FI's). The BM's are all spread out geographically, so I don't expect them to do much more than telling me which styles of dresses to get for them. I am also not expecting a shower or a bachelorette party. However, I do expect them not to complain about the color of the dresses or the designer and to help me out on the day off with whatever may be necessary.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

If you've been checking out these boards for a while you know that there are brides who are getting grief from bridesmaids, mothers, MIL, groomsmen --> you are certainly not alone. Somehow, weddings have the ability to bring out the worst in some people --> maybe its due to jealousy, pride, a sense of loss, whatever. YOU WERE NOT WRONG!

Besides that, as you said in your note -- you haven't been close to this girl for a while... so I can't imagine that this will be a tremendous loss for you.

Your life will be very full with your husband, his family -- and if you choose, children of your own. If you ask any parents out there, I'm sure they'll tell you that it requires a BIG effort to find the time to keep up friendships --> especially with an unmarried friend that lives far away. I'm sure, even without this incident, the friendship would probably have turned into a 'name on the X-mas Card list - only' friendship.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

My SIL's fangs came out during the planning. We can't believe how rude and self centered she is. She called my mother and demanded that we invite her sister & her mother to the wedding.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

You are not horrible. I think you did the right thing for the both of you. It's your wedding and you did what you felt was best.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

thanks sooo much girls, I feel better. I guess what bothered me the most is that I always try to be a good person and I HATE it when I make someone upset, I don't like people being angry at me over anything. Anyways.... I guess everything happens for a reason though.

Alina, to answer your question, I never expected anything from my girls other than to help me pick out their dresses and a few minor things, everything else I have done myself but they did throw me a surprise shower & bachlorette party, they would have expected her to help them. I'm in my friend's wedding and I had MAJOR issues with the other two girls in her bridal party (and they are both American), neither one of them wanted to lift a finger for her shower and I took her to Miami paid for everything myself, it was sad & frustrating that they didn't want to help with anything, I didn't want my girls going through that. I guess it's hard when you don't know what's expected of you. Thanks for your advice though, I still appreciate it!

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

You are not horrible.. you made a lot of sacrifices and she should have seen that and did a little sacrificing herself..

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

no you arent wrong.
i lost my own cousin from being in my wedding ( and from being friends) because her head was so big in planning her own wedding!

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

I too think I am losing my best friend during the planning. All the time I was told by her 'you can do better ' and yada yada yada. Meanwhile my FH is the love of my life as welll as everyone loves him to death. Okay so here it goes girls.... the only time I hear from my best friend latelyis for a favor, she went to the bridal store with me and told me what she will wear to the wedding, what she likes for the dresses, the color, style etc.. Then she proceeds to tell me that I can come over but not FH!!! Mean while all I do is go over to her house without FH, then we take her to get something 45 minutes away, I take in her mail when she is away , do not get a thank u, and now I have been trying to call her and just keep leaving messages, i got her sister on the phone and she told me she has been busy because she is a teache r and she is getting ready for the new school year. Any advice girls??

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

Princess,

A 'Best Friend' would not treat you like that. Since I've posted this, I came to realize that people grow apart, things change and some people show their true colors during times like these. The people that matter most in our lives are there for us no matter what. looking back I know I made the right decision when I asked this person to step down, I mean how selfish could she be asking me to postpone my wedding plans while SHE finishes school?! Who is this person to ask you not to bring your FH somewhere?! This is the man you will spend eternity with and she needs to respect you AND him, if she can't do that you have a choice you need to make. Talk to her & find out why she dislikes your FH so much & tell her that she needs to make an effort to get along for your sake, if she really is a friend she'll find a way to work things out. Oh and the choice of bridesmaid dress....that should be ultimately made by YOU, this is YOUR wedding, not hers!

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

I'm so sorry you had problems with your friend. Unfortunately weddings can bring out the ugly in people and then you find out who your real friends are. People start telling you what they want and what you need to do for your wedding. People tend to forget its 'YOUR' wedding.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

Are these issues coming from people that aren't involved with anyone else? If so that may be one of the problems. My best friend is going through the same thing with her friend b/c those two were the clubbing every weekend, bar hopping and now my BF has settled with one man that adores her and her friend can't understand it but I can. Her friend is leading a single life right now and acts like a 12 yr old as in not returning my friends calls, not coming by when she says she would-stupid things like that. Its very childish if you ask me. I even stepped away from my BF b/c her lifestyle was different from mine when I started dating FH. But she understood that even though we live 10 minutes from each other and only see one another for 5 minutes in one month it was okay. It was the moment that counts. Some people just don't understand until they are in the same position as you.
There is also the jealousy factor involved too. I see it with my BF and her friend all the time.
But it takes situations like a wedding or a baby coming your way or anything in your life to realize who will be by your side and wait for you at the end of the line. Those are the people that you can call friends.
If anyone has anything to say about your wedding and it has happened to me, I simply say: It is my wedding and FH and I are putting alot of time and money into this so the final decision makers will be us. Thank you anyway for your suggestion.
It may be blunt but you get your point across. I hope I have helped

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

Well said cw0904!!!! I totally agree with everything you said!!! In my case the girl I asked to step down lives with her boyfriend, they've been dating for a while now, maybe she is jealous that she's not engaged yet, who knows. No regrets here though, I did what was best for me & if she wants to never speak to me again, Oh Well, no love lost here! It's just a shame though, but my REAL friends will be there for me & that's all that counts.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

evelyn you are not a horrible person at all...but to be fair, your firend isn't horrible either...as brides, our wedding and all the planning are the center of our existence...but to everybody else, it's not as important...even if the other person is your best friend, there is a limit as to how excited she will be and how much she will help you with planning...please remember that these are people who still have busy schedules, bills to pay and other commitments and even though they are truly excited about your big day and wish you the best, there is only so much that they can and will do...

i have planned my wedding myself almost entirely...and to be honest, i haven't really needed anyone else to help...when i do need assistance i go to my mom who is as excited about this wedding as i am...i know my friends love me and they are happy for me and they have offered to help, but i also know that asking them to pay $240 for a dress, to buy shoes, have their hair done, buy a shower gift and attend a bachelorette party and rehearsal dinner is enough to ask of anyone...

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

Thanks Demi for your response, however the reasons you listed was why i asked her to step down in the first place, I felt she wouldn't have the time or money to take part so I put her feelings into the factor as well as my own. I have NEVER from day one expected much from my girls, just to at least OFFER to help, which they have done & I've even turned down their help on a few occassions. I never expected any of them to make my wedding the center of their busy lives, that's why I've done a majority of the things myself, because I know they live busy lives. I just didn't like the fact that this person felt that what I did was such a 'F***ed-Up' thing as she put it, I didn't do it to hurt her but yet she wouldn't allow me to explain or try to talk things out with her. I think people like that I don't need in my life.

Re: Has anyone lost a 'friend' planning your wedding? (Long)

you're absolutely right about that! you shouldn't have anyone in your bridal party that isn't genuinely happy for you and who you don't feel comfortable with...

i'm just paranoid that i'm driving everyone crazy with my wedding!!