Have you ever considered breaking it off?

Original post by marymoon

Jun 15, 2004 10:50 PM

There are so many of these posts now, and I'm just wondering how many of us have had these same feelings/problems?

marymoon Posted: Jun 16, 2004 10:33 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

Thanks gals. I think this is a good discussion, because people really don't talk about it. it's all 'everything's great, i love FH,' and that's fine, but it's not the whole story as we're realizing more and more. I have a lot of doubts sometimes and I get really scared. I think part of it is that I'm scared about marriage in general. I see so many unhappy couples, and so many divorces. it's a scary thing. And then when FH pisses me off or hurts me, it really can get confusing.

ETA: I agree. I'd feel a lot better if we could A) elope and B) move far, far away from his family!

hbradio Posted: Jun 16, 2004 10:35 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

Posted by julz33

I have had doubts about the Wedding but not about marrying him.

Me too - I am wondering if all this money we are struggling to make is just a waste of time & energy.

But I never had doubts about marrying him nor does he have doubts about me. We just wish we eloped!

hbradio Posted: Jun 16, 2004 10:37 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

Posted by diamondgrlie

Yes but not because I dont love him, it is because I do. His job keeps him away ALOT and I can handle it but I think to the future about the parent/teacher conferences, dance recitals, sports games, etc. that I will attend for the kids ALONE. That part breaks my heart but not enough to break up.

Now you are breaking MY heart!

Is it possible as time goes by he will get better hours?

aliciahelene Posted: Jun 16, 2004 11:40 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

Mary moom..I was in the same boat, I was terrified to get married, saw so many friends in divorce and its scary. I never wnated to get married and the closer I got to my wedding, I startde getting very scared. I knew I loved DH, no doubt, but marriage is forever and it just scared me. Now that we are married, Im not terrified anymore. Its only been almost 6 months, but I see that we are still us,I guess I thought marrisge would change us, if anything its made us stronger. The bets book I can recommend to let you know these feelings are normal is What Noone tells the bride...its a great book and says that cold feet, secodn thoughts, nerves, fighting etc are all very normal!!!

shelly3950 Posted: Jun 16, 2004 11:48 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

I'm a bit of a drama queen and every time we have a small fight (like he doesn't want to go somewhere with me) I wonder if this is reflective of a greater problem. I am also very strong and don't like being told 'no' (not my best quality). But this teachse me to be more compromising- which I need to learn.

Its been 5 years, I love him so much and no one has ever treated me, loved me, respected me as much as he does and most of all, he puts up with me. Even at my worse. He challenges me to be a better person (if when I don't like it). I know he is the one for me, I just have to cotnain my drama moments.

kiwijonze Posted: Jun 16, 2004 11:59 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

It's not about a lack of love for the person, or not wanting to marry them specifically, but the idea of marriage...life throws many curveballs and you never know what things will be like down the road. It takes immense strength of character to stay with someone through the bad times...illness, midlife crisis, arguements over how to rear children, job layoffs, etc, etc, etc. People are not always in sync with each other throughout life and it can cause great heartache. It's nice to be 100% sure that you want to get married and never doubt your committment, but not at all wrong to question things and make sure you are ready for it.

And another book that's good is The Conscious Bride by Sheryl Paul or Nissembaum.

tina_cuse01 Posted: Jun 16, 2004 12:07 PM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

Before we got engaged I was so sure. I couldn't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him and couldn't wait to get married. It took Brad a bit longer (I think that is normal for a lot of guys). However, once we got engaged and the whole 'Yeah! I am engaged this wore off', I was like oh crap - am I ready for this? I didn't doubt my love for him or his for me, but I got pretty scared. The great thing about our relationship is, I was able to talk to Brad about it. I can't wait to be his wife, but that doesn't mean I don't feel overwhelmed at times. One of my very good friends said the same thing happened with her - she is getting married next week (I am a BM!)

sept20yay Posted: Jun 16, 2004 12:15 PM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

I agree with everything everyone is saying. But there is another side to it. I feel like cold feet should be very fleeting. If it is longer than that, it is no sin to question the relationship and ultimately decide it is not right for you. When you marry someone, you are choosing to make that person family. According to the law, you are family. Your children are or will be a product of your union for life.
I just feel like there are no guarantees in life. But on the other hand, if you can see problems or something is truly bothering you, confront your fears. Talk to someone before you marry. I did and it helped so much. I broke off a previous engagement.
You are just as important and deserve to be 100% happy in your marriage. If everyone else has it, so should you. Take the time.

9.17.04bride Posted: Jun 16, 2004 12:40 PM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

I agree with Summer05, I had doubts but is really wasn't becasue of him, but his whole family.

oakslady Posted: Jun 17, 2004 02:56 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

Posted by peabody

posted by Julz33

'I have had doubts about the Wedding but not about marrying him.'

Feel the same way, last week running off to Hawaii to elope sounded awesome to me!!!!!

yup me too- the wedding is becomming a pain in the ***-

marymoon Posted: Jun 17, 2004 11:26 PM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

I don't know, saying 'you deserve to be 100% happy with your marriage' that throws me off. I don't see anyone who is 100% happy with their marriage..like, maybe 50% It scars me so much, and we have afights and disagreements and we're interfaith and it's so hard, and his family is so different form mine, like night and day...it's really hard and I'm not gonna lie, I get really scared. Before we were engaged I was so sure and I really wanted to be engaged and amrried, and now that we're engaged, I'm just really scared. It's probably norma, but....I find myself really, almost cynical abut iut...expecting fights and resentment and being unhappy..I'm expecting to be unhappy and I sort of find myself feeling like all of these people who are like 'I'm so happy ..this si my dream come true..everything is 100% perfect' are full of it. No offense to anyone, it isn't you, it's just that I don't feel like that exists, which may be my own problem. Thanks for listening. It really helps to hear that it's normal, etc...

dukies1 Posted: Jun 18, 2004 08:44 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

WE argue at times and I wonder if we really get along. I once gave back the ring in a huge fight, but that wont happen again, that was so cruel. I was under allot of stress. I don't think I'll ever do that again it really hurt him. I had to make a decition about putting my dog down that night and I did the next day.

nov04LIbride Posted: Jun 18, 2004 09:40 AM

Re: Have you ever considered breaking it off?

I agree with that. We all have to compromise. I read an article that said you should be at least 80% sure that it is right, and choose the three most important things in a marriage to you. Out of those three, choose the most important, and hopefully you will have that. Honestly, my FI and I disagree on some important areas, and that worries me. In terms of $ I am a saver, he is a spender. Sometimes I resent that, but then it also forces me to go on vacations, and do things I otherwise would not. Our families are very very different (different religion, but what is more different with the family are the priorities in life--my entire family works in college administration, and believes stongly in education--his parents told him he should never have gone to college, he could be making more $ digging ditches for the LIRR, and convinced his brother and sister not to go, telling them it was a waste of time). I like to think I think of the glass as half full, not half empty, but I do know friends that ignore problems in life, and those would be the type that would say they are 100% happy with the relationship. I am more of a worrier, and like to think I have my eyes open to what the biggest hurdles are that we face as a couple, and no couple is without them. And honestly, I don't think any of us that can be 100% sure that we will still be as happy as we are now in 40 years, because there is no way to know what we will be like then, and what may happen in those years to change us, and the relationship.

Posted by marymoon

I don't know, saying 'you deserve to be 100% happy with your marriage' that throws me off. I don't see anyone who is 100% happy with their marriage..like, maybe 50% It scars me so much, and we have afights and disagreements and we're interfaith and it's so hard, and his family is so different form mine, like night and day...it's really hard and I'm not gonna lie, I get really scared. Before we were engaged I was so sure and I really wanted to be engaged and amrried, and now that we're engaged, I'm just really scared. It's probably norma, but....I find myself really, almost cynical abut iut...expecting fights and resentment and being unhappy..I'm expecting to be unhappy and I sort of find myself feeling like all of these people who are like 'I'm so happy ..this si my dream come true..everything is 100% perfect' are full of it. No offense to anyone, it isn't you, it's just that I don't feel like that exists, which may be my own problem. Thanks for listening. It really helps to hear that it's normal, etc...