HAVING DOUBTS....

Good luck to you, - i wish you all the best *NM*

Good Luck - I hope it works out for you! *NM*

Good luck and happy wishes! *NM*

Quick Story for a LIFE LESSON

To the bride-to-be that is having doubts:I belong to a 12 step program for families of addicts (I'm not an addict) the meetings are wonderful and they help a great deal...Last week a new person came to the room and she shared (I'm married 8 mos)that she has been married for 4 months and her husband was out on a 'drug run' for the past four days and she didn't know if he was dead or alive, she was in so much pain that it broke my heart. She also shared that she knew about his addiction since he was 9 yrs old and he was supposedly clean for 10 years. The point that I'm trying to make is she married him anyway..knowing what she knows she still took the plunge and she is now finding herself in 12 step meeting trying to get a handle on the pain and turmoil that is going on in her life. The writing is always on the wall IF WE CHOOSE TO READ IT. Whether it's drugs or totally something else, people only change if they want to and all the praying, begging, pleading and crying in the world won't change a thing. We don't marry our mates to change them or hope they will change once you get married or the they'll change once the 'baby is here' Only you know that there is more to this story and only you can do something about your happiness NOT him. Please don't do anything to 'Save face' or not be imbarrassed, how imbarrassed do you think that woman feels now after the wedding and she is down in a room with her heart torn out and she is a newlywed!....My story is extreme and I just wanted to tell it, because there are a million women out there that will and have gotten married for the wrong reasons and they are worse off now for it. Please settle this in your heart and in your stomach....Follow your gut it's always right and let us know how it winds up, whatever it is..You come first and nothing but best wishes for you.

HAVING DOUBTS....

When I was 24 I got engaged to a man that I truly loved for 5 years. We had a very good relationship, but as the engagement progress something changed. We both had our 'inner' voices telling us that it was not right. But we loved each other. After a few months I finally said that I think we are making a mistake and he agreed. Love was not the issue. We wanted different things, we were growing apart. If Love many of us would still be with our high school sweethearts. It takes so much to make a marriage work and be good at the same time.
I am glad that you spoke to your FH about your feelings. That is very important. I was so embarrassed and ashamed to tell me family about calling off the wedding. But to my surprise I found so much love and support from all of them. Everyone was so glad that the wedding was called off instead of a divorce in a few years or worse, me living unhappily. There is NO shame in calling off a wedding. And although the money is difficult to part with, it is cheaper than a divorce or living in an unhappy relationship. My X and I still chat every once in a blue moon to say Hi and catch up. He is getting married this June. I am getting married in Nov. And we are both at peace with our decision. It wasn''t easy at all, we both cried a lot and it hurt like hel_ but looking back I am so glad that things worked out the way they did.
So, my advice is to be a hold on all of the plans until the matter is resolved. You should just concentrate on this one thing and give your relationship your full attention (although I know you are super busy with work and school). Maybe postponing the wedding for another year or so is the answer. You can change the date and not lose any $$ from your vendors, plus have more time to decide what to do. It will take the pressure off of both of you.

Let us know if you need anything at all. Bride to be or not you are one of us and we are all here to listen and help.

thank you thank you thank you

Good for you! Speaking with your FI was the right decision. I hope everything works out.

Becky

Re: thank you thank you thank you

I agree with what has been said. I also want to add that my FSIL had serious doubts about getting married. They even had a fight and hung up on each other the night before the wedding!! She went through with it anyway because, 'everything was paid for, and people were coming.' They ended up divorced a year later.

Who cares if things have been paid for, or if people are coming? A few phone calls will clear that up. People shouldn't get married just because things are paid for!

Anyway, I've had moments myself where I say, 'Gosh, do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person?' Suddenly, you see all their quirks and faults and feel like panicking! My FH has no serious problems (does'nt drink, do drugs, abuse me, etc.) He's the most caring, honest, supportive, affectionate...I could go on and on. Still, I've had serious thoughts about getting married. I think some degree of second-thoughts is actually HEALTHY. It shows that you're not just moving ahead blindly, and that you're really giving thought to your decision.

If I were you, I wouldn't call things off yet, but I would STOP hiring vendors or putting any more money down on things, and I would postpone the wedding. Maybe move it forward six months or so, but don't set a solid date yet. This way, you are giving yourself time to do some serious thinking, maybe see a counselor (either alone or with your FI), and really get things settled so that when you DO get married you will feel more confident and happier about it--whether it is to him or to someone else down the road. You can always tell nosey friends/family that it's a financial issue and you need more time to save or something. Those who really love you and care about you will understand.

I wish you weren't feeling this way. You certainly aren't the first bride-to-be that has gone through this. Be true to yourself and your feelings. Don't worry about money or embarassment. This is YOUR life, and YOUR future. Do what is best for you and gives you the best chance at happiness.

One last thing.... I know I've got some fears about how my life will change after I'm married (moving, different responsibilities, maybe motherhood). Sometimes the fear of those changes makes me feel like running for the door! It's not that I'm having doubts about my FH, it's that I'm afraid of the unknown that lies ahead. Cold feet at its best! Try to see if maybe this is part of what you're feeling. A fear of the unknown and a desire to keep things the way they are for now....

Best of luck to you and don't feel ashamed of how you feel.

KarenM

Re: thank you thank you thank you

Keep us posted unsurebride. I am so very sorry you are going through this, but as I have said about other topics, questioning one's commitment to ANYTHING (faith, patriotism, a lover) is healthy and forces one to examine themselves and look at hard cold truths.

THe very best of luck to both of you in any decision you make.

Re: thank you thank you thank you

Is this thread a year old? The initial post says march 2002

Re: thank you thank you thank you

It looks like Kcwed answered a post from last year from 03/25/02

Re: thank you thank you thank you

She is probaly married already.

Re: Unsure Bride-best of luck to you! *NM*

Well I hope things worked out for you whoever you are! How did this post come back uP?!

Re: Unsure Bride-best of luck to you! *NM*

LOL! I was reading the replies going 'Who ARE these people?' I got all suspicious thinking 'Why are so many of the repliers newbies and stuff?'

Re: Unsure Bride-best of luck to you! *NM*

How did they get brought back up??!! I was reading the responses (they sounded familiar) and then read my own reply for last year!

Re: Unsure Bride-best of luck to you! *NM*

Hey Sweetie, you seem really confused Dont worry abt the small stuff if you lose it you lose it.
'Dont feel obligated to get married.
Try talking to a friend, or family member.
'
'YOud be surprised.


Hope this helps a bit. And I hope that no matter which route you chose you will be happy.

Re: Unsure Bride-best of luck to you! *NM*

Im an idiot and I answered. Oh well I hope she resolved it.

Re: Unsure Bride-best of luck to you! *NM*

I remember this post from last year. Why has it been responded to a year later?