HAVING DOUBTS....

HAVING DOUBTS....

Hi there. I am a regular poster on these boards, however I changed my screenname so that I could write this post and not have my friends or family members know how I was feeling.

Is it only me, or is anyone else having serious doubts about marrying their fiancee??? We live together and I am so fed up with him and his ways, I just can't see myself ever being happy. I am under tremendous stress right now and my doubts are not helping matters. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have invested soo much into this relationship, but why get married if it's going to end up in a divorce?
HELP! I have no idea what to do. Our wedding is in 5 months and we have alredy put down many deposits for things. I have my dress and veil, the bridesmaids have theirs, we have paid almost $3000 towards our reception, we bought the favors and have paid for some of the DJ and photographer also. If I were to cancel the wedding, would I get ANY of this money back? Plus, how would I tell my family?? I would be so humiliated. Please write back with your words of wisdom. :(

HAVING DOUBTS....

I really think you should talk to a real life friend or family member. I have an overwhelming urge to reach through the computer and hug you, because I can't imagine the turmoil and stress you are feeling. There is no shame in being unsure. Your life is not a crap shoot, and you need to take yourself very seriously, or no one else will.
The first thing you need to do is decide if this is simply a case of cold feet, or if you are really and truly not going to be happy in your marriage. I want to be able to help you, but no one can decide this but you. I am glad that you have this board to sound off to, and we will all be here to listen 100%, but I think this is too big a deal to be dealt with through a message board alone. Please talk to someone who can listen to you, hug you, cry with you, whatever, and do it NOW.
Like I said.. there is no shame in your confusion. It happens all the time. Anyone who know/loves you is going to be supportive of you, no matter what, and so will we, your cyber friends. : )


It is very possible that wedding stress, and life stress in general is making you feel this way, and honestly, I don't think it's all that uncommon. BUT you are not going to feel any better until you get this off your chest. Look, if you really feel that you absolutely can't discuss this with anyone who knows you, please let me know... I'll give you my phone # and I will listen to you, for as long as you need an ear. You don't even have to tell me your name. I just want you to get some resolution as quickly as possible, because the stress is going to do a number on your health and well being.

In aswer to your question... Yes, you probably will get some money back, but not all. Remember ~ YOUR LIFE is worth losing money over, if that's what it comes to. Don't be afraid. But don't make any decisions until you are completely sure. You loved this man enought to say 'yes', so... I think you have a lot to think about.

Hugs to you... this can't be easy. : (

HAVING DOUBTS....

I think that first and foremost the person you need to speak with is him. Tell him your feelings and find out his. Communication is so important and maybe when you talk to him it will make things clearer in your mind. You may realize that it is worth fighting for or that you should go with your original feelings. But you will never know unless you put it out on the table. Good luck and please don't hesitate ask for more advice. :-)

One thing to add to what the others have said...

You've got a whole lot to think about. FORGET about the money. Don't let it be a factor of any sort. No amount of money should be weighed against your long-term happiness! Worry about what you can or can't get back after you've decided on your course of action.

*HUGS*

HAVING DOUBTS....

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way :(...

I'm not sure that I can give you any words of wisdom, because I don't know the specifics...is it something that has just happened? does he abuse you? do you think you could work it out? if so, I would get to a counselor immediately.

I think you should think about this very carefully, if you cancel (which you should not think about until you get to counseling - must health insurance will cover it), divorce is 1000x more expensive. FH's BIL's divorce cost $40000!! and they got back together...imagine what counseling could save you.

Some other wedding boards, have topics and boards just for this type of subject...maybe you can get some advice from people going through similar situations...
(ie www.ultimatewedding.com and www.weddingchannel.com - look for the message boards)

best of luck and try to remember why you accepted the proposal in the first place and talk to him about it before you build up your emotions inside...

thanks for your support

Thank you all for being so supportive. In answer to your questions.... No, he does not abuse me or anything, and these feelings of mine have not just come on suddenly. I have been feeling these 'doubts' for months now, but I was trying to figure out if I was getting cold feet or if I was really unsure of what to do. I do not think that I have cold feet. We have been together for almost 5 years now and I always thought that we had the same goals in life, but now I see that we are growing apart. I never realized how different we are...I know its good to be different, but I think he resents me for not liking the same types of things as him and so on. I have a full time career plus I am working on my Master's degree so I don't have much free time. He is a full time student in med school and I am supporting the two of us on my measly salary. We are struggling to make ends meet, which as you know is a very stressful time. Basically, what I have come to realize is that we both want different things out of life. I feel that he will be making the majority of our life decisions and I don't like that. We have been fighting more and more lately and we are both pretty miserable. I think that I made a mistake by saying 'yes' and now I feel that I have invested so much time, effort and money into our relationship that I would hate for it to be over. I realize that my happiness is most important, but I am still having a hard time making a decision about whether I want to be with this man or not. He does make me happy, although he makes me feel pretty miserable sometimes too.

Okay, I am sooo sorry for babbling like that. :) I hope you could make some sense out of it. Thanks for everything.

HAVING DOUBTS....

I''m sorry you feel this way.

I suggest that you put EVERYTHING on hold (photographers, dj, place, etc.) right away. You don''t have to tell them what''s going on, simply say that you two have decided to delay the wedding.

In the meantime, evaluate really hard, which you''ve been doing. You don''t sound happy. This is not how you are suppose to feel when preparing for your wedding. If I felt that way, I would be really scared like you.

I suggest you go away for a weekend/week without him to gather your thoughts. SERIOUSLY. It''s better to lose some money and have the rest of your life knowing that you made the right decision then to commit yourself to someone who you''ll be forever tempted to leave.

HAVING DOUBTS....I agree w/ Dreamy..long

You do need to get away just you. It doesn't have to be anywhere amazing. Just somewhere where you can relax & think. And you definatley can put things on hold & not have to worry. My friend was supposed to get married last May & couldn't do to legal reasons (his divorce was finalized) But they got married & the same place w/ the same dj& photographer just a few weeks ago. These people have heard of every reason why weddings are cancelled/delayed. Don't feel emmbarrased. Do what's right for you. And just ask yourself 'Does this man DESERVE the rest of your life'!!! (it is one of the biggest gifts you can give him!) I wish you the best of luck!!! =)

HAVING DOUBTS....

Hi. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was married once before, and I had doubts before that wedding--obviously there were problems, and they did not work out. Get some counseling, either joint or separate. If you don't sort your feelings out, and aren't 100% (or at least 99.9%) positive after that-- DON'T DO IT.
You may feel that the problems it will cause are so huge now, but they are nothing compared to the problems you will be facing if you get divorced, or try to live in a bad marriage.
You may be looking at the money issues, and thinking you're disappointing your family, if you either call off or postpone the wedding, but it will be a lot less costly, monetarily and emotionally, now than it will be later.
Take this as the voice of experience. You deserve to be happy, and happily married to someone. Also, your fiance deserves this. Maybe he's also having some doubts, but hasn't wanted to discuss it.
Best of luck. Remember, you never know what's around the next corner.

HAVING DOUBTS....

I am in agreement with sentiments already posted.

I am sorry you are going through this, as it must be heart wrenching just considering calling everything off.

I agree that you need to talk to your FH. First, however, I would be very clear in your mind as to what you want to say to him, what issues you may have, and if you know where your doubts are coming from. Is just the fact that you are stressed out by work or other life problems, or is it related directly to him? Sometimes it is hard to separate the two. Only you know the answer to that. If it is just a relationship problem, then I would sit down and speak to him. He may also have issues or doubts. If that is the case, I would then seek counceling by a professional marriage councelor, and also a clergy member if you are religious.

If after you do this you decide to delay or cancel the wedding, review your contracts, and then call your vendors. Our DJ told us that if the wedding is canceled or delayed for whatever reason, he would credit the deposit toward a future function, no matter what it may be. That may be a bargain you can work out with vendors so you do not lose everything you have spent.

Hope this helps in some small way. I hope it all works out in a way that will make you happiest.

HAVING DOUBTS....

I feel for you.
You need to get away alone, and or talk to your intended. NOW is the time to make a choice and decision. It will be much easier now than later. I`m sure your parents will respect your wishes, even if you lose a couple dollars.

You need to be at least almost 100% sure before making this committment. Maybe you only need to postpone the wedding at this point. Whatever you decide, I`m sure it will be the right decision. Good luck

Speak to your Pastor *NM*

having doubts...

I know this is a very tough time for you, and I speak for everyone when I say we are thinking of you and wish you the best of luck with your decision.
What I am hearing from you is a lot of hesitation. We all get caught up in the planning and the excitement of it all, that we sometimes overlook the reality of the situation...I like how someone phrased it about giving the rest of your life to him is the best gift of all. That deserves a least a step back doesn't it?
I agree that taking some time to really think about what you want and need out of this relationship is very important at this point. You said yes to his proposal...was it premature? You both have a lot of things going on right now which adds a lot of stress to a relationship. An extended proposal is not a bad thing...maybe until he gets out of med school, that is very stressful in and of itself...to add a wedding to that, wow!
It is nothing to be ashamed of to postpone a wedding...it is more shameful I think to have to get a divorce after having doubts in the first place! Isn't it?
Maybe you still love him, maybe you don't. But to have that question in your head warrants a step back and most likely a postponement at least.
Follow your heart and you will make the right decision. Best of luck to you.

HAVING DOUBTS....

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. But, I think that you have already answered your own question. I think you need to reevaluate your situation and move out. Postpone the wedding, or call it off all together. Your life and happiness is more important than a few thousand dollars.

thanks for your support

I went through something so similar a couple years ago and I ended up getting married to someone I had dated for 6 years. I had a lot of doubts but ignored them because of the time invested in the relationship, the money invested in the wedding and the hope that things would work out. We ended up getting divorced within a year and I spent so much more money on the divorce than I did on the wedding. Getting divorced is a really expensive and terrible experience.
My suggestion to you is to forget about what you`ve invested and really think about your future. This is the rest of your life and you deserve happiness. Being married to the wrong person is a real nightmare, believe me!
On a side note, I ended up meeting the right person and am getting married in 10 months and this time I have NO doubts!
Good luck with whatever you decide to do and make sure you do what is right for you.

HAVING DOUBTS....

This is something you have to decide on with yourself and go with what your gut says...

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose...

Although I don't have any personal experience, I can share that a friend of mine once broke off her wedding 2 WEEKS before. She knew going into it that it wouldn't be right for her. It was a more difficult choice in the short term but worked out much better for her in the long run...

She told me that she knew no man would ever be 100% flawless and perfect, and what helped her decide was a simple question...

The question was would she rather have 50 years that were 'okay' with someone, or 25 years that were 'amazing' with someone else. (She chose the 25 years and decided to keep looking for the 'amazing').

Best of Luck to you.

HAVING DOUBTS....

I agree with what everyone has said but I just want to elaborate a little more. Take time to think about it seriously. Maybe it is just cold feet. Planning a wedding is a lot of work and can get very stressful at times. If you do not feel that you are getting enough help from your fiance on weddin gplanning and other matters then everything seems to get blown out of proportion. I think you should take time to consider your true feelings. Remove all the wedding planning and see if you still feel the same way about your FI, in love with him enough to still marry him. I would not approach him though until you have all your thoughts in order and know what you want to say to him. You absolutly need to take some serious time to think about what you really want and what will be the right thing for YOU in the end. Good Luck with your decision.

thank you thank you thank you

I can't thank everyone enough for being so helpful and supportive.

My FH and I spoke this morning for quite a few hours. I must say that I already feel so much better. We agreed that we should seek counseling ASAP. Our conversation made me realize many things, one of which being that I really do love him. :) So we are going to do everything possible to make this work. Thank you all for your great advice, it really helped me.

Unsure Bride

Keep us posted and let us know how things turn out!

Again, good luck to you.

Unsure Bride-best of luck to you! *NM*