Having DOUBTS, HELP!

IF YOUR IN DOUBT.....GET OUT!

There are different levels of doubt - Most people getting married do have some sort of doubt - I definitely think you should be very open about this and talk to your FH. Seeing a therapist is a great idea. A lot of people stigmatize it - but realiztically it is the best way to sort out what you are thinking. A therapist is there to help you come to the right conclusion. He listens and helps you figure out what you really want.

there definately are different levels of doubts, I had to remove myself from the situation in order to see what my doubts were, my doubts are about ME, not my fiance, but Ima sicko in my head with a very big imagination, I scare myself sometimes,,I had to work out my fears,but there can be fear that may be because he isnt right, or the fear because you have had a bad past or the fears because marriage is a big commitment and its scary, only you know what those fears are, NOONe can tell you if he is the one, and thats what makes it sooooo hard. Its a huge decision and its not easy, soul searching is very scary when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart. VERY scary, when I broke it off and went to my sisters, it wsa like I was ina nightmare, I couldnt see straight and knew deep down I had made a mistake, I knew I was overreacting, I just needed to be 100% sure,I didnt feel relief, I felt like I wanted to go into a whole and stay there for along time, my Fh did nothing wrong , the fear was from my baggage. Ok, I'll drop this now, I just want to help, I know how awful it feels, I do believe if hes not right, Youd know it..but its so possible that you could be so scared that the situation is getting too bad, fears can be powerful. I just hate to see you brake it off if hes right for you, OR for you to NOT brake it off if hes all wrong for you. Its a big decision. Im sorry you have to go through this.
sept20yay..I really I hope I didnt offend you, definately wasnt my intention..I guess we all have significant brakeups that have effected us, its just not easy.

I voted earlier on seeing therepist w/ FH but couldn't reply b/c I was late for going to work.

I think that any type of counseling - together or separate or both - with priest or rabbi or counselor cannot hurt the relationship. If FH doesn't want to go, go on your own. Sometimes speaking to a 3rd party who is unbiased can help you think clearer and realize if your doubts are with FH or with yourself (I had some doubts in the beginning of our engagement but that was because I can be insecure at times). Either way - I hope that you will find the answers and that they help you with your relationship. Good luck

I suggest you talk it out with you fiance. He may be having doubts,too....what is it that is giving you doubts? if there are things bothering you about him, you need to COMMUNICATE them to HIM. He may be oblivious to what is causing you to doubt your love for him! Sometimes we harbor feelings of resentment about unresolved fights and arguments that never really go away.
I say COMMUNICATE. If you find it difficult, get counseling....

Hello,

I am truly sorry that you are experiencing this issue. Confusion is a scary feeling, and my heart goes out to you.

The wonderful thing about this email is that you have taken the first important step, and that is acknowledging that there is a problem. Do you know how many people get married, knowing that the little voice inside of them is screaming for help, but chose to ignore it? Plenty, let me just tell you. It's evident that you really want this marriage because you are asking for help. The next step is understanding the problem so it can be fixed, which is where therapy comes in.

A majority of the women on this board have given you excellent advice; however, I must echo Rachel's response. I strongly believe that you may need to talk it out with your FH coupled with seeking a 'cognitive behavior' therapist. Therapy is just as important as going to a doctor when you aren't feeling well (ex: have a cold, stomach ache, etc.).

We often times drive ourselves crazy trying to remedy our problems, when there's a skill professional (therapist) who can do the remedying for us. In order for people to function, the mind and body must be in agreement. If the body isn't well, we go to an internist; if the mind isn't well (i.e., confused, scared or just need some advice), we should seek a therapist. I am not suggesting that one is mentally ill, but what I am saying is that if you are confused, frightened, etc., it's best that you seek a professional because the problem could be a deeper issue than you expect.

Many people have the misconception of what therapy / counseling truly is. Actually, the responses that you have received from the women on this board is therapy, but on a smaller scale. Therapy is simply talking with someone whom is capable of giving you his / her expert opinion or advice. A therapist will not tell you what to do; they will aid you in what needs to be done.

It's important that you take care of the problem before you get married. It's not healthy for you and your FH to enter a union with doubts. Situations like this have a tendency to resurface.

In my opinion, try not to diagnose the problem, allow a professional to do the diagnosing for you. This is your life, and as you said, this time you want this marriage to be forever. If you truly want to be with this man, then please do not toy with this issue, talk it out with him, but also have some one help you work it out as well.

If you have to put the engagement off for a little while, that's all right. Putting the engagement off for a little while is not saying that you are never going to marry him. Remember, you are planning marriage. A wedding is for one day, but a marriage could very well last life time. So if you say, 'honey, why don't we put this one off for just a little, until we can comb through this.' What you really are saying is ' I love you so much that it's important for me to be clear on what is best for us...'

Good luck to you both. Whatever decision you make, you will know in your heart it was the right one.

Be well.


- Ericiawork

Ladies, you don't know how much your kind words & sincere interest have touched me. I just got in from work & read your replies & just sat here & cried.

I am so torn. In my heart I think I know the answer but I keep going back & forth.

I know the counselor would help us. Yet I think first I need some soul searching.

I do love him, although at times I doubt it. We are just not very compatible and our personalities and priorities are different.

If I ended up with him I know I could make it work, but after my last marriage I promised myself I would not settle....

Ladies I truly thank each and every one of you....