Having DOUBTS, HELP!

Ladies I am a regular on this board and due to the nature of my question I am signed on under a different name.

Please bear with me as this is kind of long...

I have known my FH for just about 2 years and have been engaged for under a year. I am having some serious doubts lately.

It just seems we aer so different. Our interests are different, he is very laid back and I'm a take charge type of person and I'm having issues with his lack of romance and listening. It seems I don't get the support I need from him. Please don't get me wrong, I love him very much.

Part 2 is I'm thinking I may be having these doubts because I was married before and I know this time it is forever. The first time I was head over heels, we were compatible in so many areas and money was not an issue. Yet it still failed-. This time I'm having doubts all ready which I didn't he first time and I'm not truly heado ver heels.

I just don't want to make another mistake of a lifetime. I spoke to him and told him I have concerns but he says we are meant to be together. I just know how hard marriage can be and don't want to go into it with rose colored glasses.

It would be the hardest thing I have to do, but I would rather do it now than later.

What do you think?

Well, I don't want to vote because I think that I would choose a little from each if need be. I certainly cannot give you any answers, but it seems to me that maybe your previous marriage has left an impression on you that it's the 'head over heels' feeling that is what keeps it going. Obviously, it wasn't that feeling that makes a marriage. I think that maybe you need to start with seeking therapy on your own to resolve some of the issues you have lingering from your first marriage. Then, if you feel that you want to try and continue the relationship, you might want to seek therapy with your FH. I just think that it's worth a try. Maybe therapy can help you interpret how you really are feeling. I know how confusing it can be when all of these emotions are mixing together. Good luck and I hope this helps in some way

talk it out. you may be having second thoughts because you are nervous it may turn out like the 1st marriage did. if you love him, it is worth it to talk it out.
: )

Rachel - you took the words out of my mouth! I was going to say the same thing - see a therapist on your own first so you can sort out your thoughts and feelings, then, if need be, have FH join you so you can express your feelings and try to work things out.

I would definitely talk to him about it. Also like Rachel said perhaps see a therapist on your own first and when you work out your feelings and still want to pursue the relationship with FH, then go with him.

There are no easy answers and it is one of the most important decisions of your life.

FM me if you need to talk.

I think I just went through what you are going through now. I broke off my engagement to do alittle soul searching, and we are back on again, marriage is very scary, and if youd like, FM me and I will give you my number, we can talk if youd like. I know it helped me ALOT, tremendously to talk to people who were or had gone through this, it really helped me. So please know that I am here for you...its scary having these feelings,its probably the worst I had ever felt in my life. I went and stayed at my sisters, and It was a VERY difficult time. I know exactly what you are going through!!!! This is only something you can figure out..but please know that it does help to talk about it, and I am here in confidence if you need me!!! I understand how you are feeling and Im so sorry you are in this scary place!!!!

Check your FM, I snet you my cell number, you can call me if you want, you dont even have to tell me who you are..but i would love to share with you everything that I learned while I went through this, just last month, its such a difficult thing to go through. I cant stress enough that if you need to talk, I am here for you.

bump

Alicia Helene that was AWESOME of you to do!

Yes Having Doubts, Alicia has been there...but I suggest counseling with your FH.

Good Luck!

I also suggest counseling.

I was married before also and so was my FH, and it is SO scary for me to do this again. MY FH and I go to pre-marital counseling every week because we definately have 'issues' not only from the previous marriage, but just every day issues.

I've really found that it's helped so much. I wish you the best, and feel free to FM me if you'd like to talk

(and talking to Aliciahelene is also a great idea!)

Hi Sweetie-

First, Hugs to you! I am so sorry you are feeling like this, but I know the feeling firsthand, having broken off an engagement. I knoe how scary thoughts like this can be, especially when the engagement is already announced. The good news is----- The answer is already in you. Not anyone else. We just have to get you to hear your thoughts clearly.

You both sounds like wonderful people independently, but I wouldn't ignore the voice in your head. The voice that knows you so well after all these years. I feel if you have any doubt at all right now than it is not quite right. Some people might say go to counseling, but I think It is a little early in your relationship to go for counseling. This is the fun time, the easy time and that's the way it should be. A lot of people would say 'a marriage takes work'. But it shouldn't take work rigt now, IMO. Right now should be the best times, work free. Haven't you had enough on your plate?

I broke off an engagement a few years ago. I could barely bring myself to break the habit of being with him, but in my heart I knew he just wasn't for me. And I knew G-d had better things planned for me. Shortly thereafter, I met my 'angel'. My husband is the best person in the world for me and for the first time in years, I am able to go to sleep at night and not wake up in a cold sweat wondering if I am making the wrong decision. I felt so free and relieved the day after I did it, a huge weight had been lifted. I thank G-d that I was given the courage to break off the engagement. I think it is the strongest move in the world and when a woman does that, it can be empowering. I never knew I had it in me.

If you need to speak about this, please FM me. I hope what I said didn't hurt you.

I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and I hope everything works out.

You will have the strength to get through this.

i want to give you the best advice i possibly could.....
if everything was so wonderfl the first time, what happened? why did you guys divorce?

Sept20yay, I mean this with all respect, but each relationship is different, and people look at things differently. For example, my situation, we have already been living together for two years and we did not feel it was too soon for counseling, if people need counseling, it does NOT mean it is bad, I came into my relationship with alot of issues, ones that I had long beforeI met my FH, so those issues alone were reasons to go to counseling, yes, and engagement is supposed to be a happy time, but just because there are issues to address doesnt make it 'NOT right' , everyone is different. I am very happy that you ended your engagemnet and found your MR. Right, that is so awesome, but in my case, I couldnt think striaght and had I completely ended things with my FH, I would be one miserable perosn right now, THANKGOD we went to counselinga nd thankGOd we are still getting married, it workd for us. I am only saying all of this because havingdoubts may have previous issues and fears of marriage just as I did, so we cant tell her its a bad sign if she needs counsleing, it ABSOLUTELY is not a sign of anything, it does not mean that her FH is not right for her, it means that this is something she has to work out for herself, I just took your post at saying that if they need counseling this soon than it cant be right and i think that is the wrong message to give to someone in fear.I dont mean to offend you, thats not the message I am trying to give out because I know you were opening up and trying to help,I just feel i have to share my side of the story, I want havingdoubts do what she needs to do to figure this out, whether its counseling or no counseling or just taking time. When you have been married before and if it was painful, it is very difficult to plan a wedding with anyone. I would have freaked out No matter who Id be marrying, and I can say today after all Ive been through, Im SO GLAD I didnt cancel anything!!! A sign of problems or doubts doesnt mean its not right, it can mean a million things, it can mean that yu are just so terrified of marriage and that you are really overanalyzing, its a scary thing. But yes, it can mean its not right too.
I dont want to offend anyone, we are all very different people and we all handle things differently , what works for some may not work for others.

Hi Having Doubts,

I also voted for seeing a therapist with your FH.

It could be you're having the 'normal' second thoughts and Oh My God! feelings a lot of brides to be (and newlyweds) go through.

It could be you are so afraid that this marriage will also fail, that you're ready to run.

It could be that you really see some things in your FH and in your relationship that make you uncomfortable, or are giving you serious doubts about your choice.

Maybe it's a combination of all three...

Either way, I honestly think the advice of a therapist is the best way to go. It's just too hard to figure out what's really causing your feelings. If FH won't go with you, go by yourself.

I wish you all the best!

I don't hve anything to add that hasn't already been said. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going throught his right now.

I have been engaged before and broke it off. It was very hard, but I don't regret it. Sometimes it's what needs to be done.

I was in love completely and totally with a different guy later. The ONE. But we didn't work out. We kept trying and trying but for some reason we always ended up at each other's throats.

Am I head over heels? Probably not, but I love Jim (FH) and he loves me. I appreciate what he gives me and understand I can't actually have it all. Hell we don't even say the 'L' word more than maybe twice or so a month. It doesn't mean we can't spend our lives together.

Everyone is different. Everyone's needs are different. I suggest therapy and a lot of soul searching. Can you be content with this for the rest of your life? I have no answers, I don't think anyone does.

Good luck!
Try to remember to think of yourself, because you must live with yourself once a decision is made.

Alicia Helene-

You make some really good points. I guess it is different depending on each persons relationship and we don't really knoe that relationship well. My problems with ex fi might be very different than hers or yours with her fi and there IS a spectrum with a lot of history there, so you may be right. What IS important here though is to not listen too much to what we say. I do believe that the answer she is searching for is in her heart and she needs to have a long talk with herself before FI and 'search her soul'. I found solace in talking to a rabbi. I think a priest or clergyman can be comforting in this time of need- an impartial voice. I am really happy that you are working it out and I hope 'having doubts' hears her voice, whatever she chooses. I wish you the best!!!