Help! I don't want a big wedding!

Okay, so my FI and I have been engaged only three weeks. From the beginning we said we wouldn't get married for almost three years because he is in grad school and we want to take time to save. Fine. But now I'm thinking that I don't even want this big fancy $30,000+ wedding I've been planning since I was five. That I'd rather have a home at the end of those three years of saving. Is that so wrong?! To want to spend that $30,000+ on a down payment on a home instead of on a party? My FI keeps telling me he wants to share the day with all our family and friends and have the traditional wedding celebration with all of them. All I want is to do is delete my wedding pinterest, go to City Hall and call it a day!

I don't know why all of a sudden my mind has changed, but I just feel that in the long run, we will be happier owning a home when compared to having a big extravagant party. If we have this wedding, chances are we won't have enough saved for a down payment and will end up renting for the first two years of our marriage. The thought of renting turns my stomach--knowing I'm putting money into something that won't be mine in the end. Plus, once you're in the renting game it's so hard to get out becuase it's so hard to save at the same time!

Maybe my FI is right and I'm just panicking right now over nothing but it really irks me that he won't even consider my option! I need your honest, unbiased opinions ladies!

I was in the same boat. we were house shopping, got an accepted offer and everything. we backed out bc I realized I would have zero dollars left on my savings if we went through with it! so we wanted a cheap wedding also so we can save for a house.
I have a huge family and FH has a good size fam too so we are expecting 175-200 people. ( couldn't get it down) to save money I went with an all incusive package 100 people for just under 10k plus tax and service charges. for my 175 I'm at about 18k but I am pretty much done I get limo, dj, photo, video, and 10 centerpieces. only things I need in addition are my bouquets and stuff, 10 more centerpieces( which I'm diying) and extra transportation. I think if u can keep the guest list to 100 10k isn't terrible. there are alot of places that do it now I know my place Sunday is the cheapest, some places are the same price for any day.
hope this helped!

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Posted by xBudgetBridex

I was in the same boat. we were house shopping, got an accepted offer and everything. we backed out bc I realized I would have zero dollars left on my savings if we went through with it! so we wanted a cheap wedding also so we can save for a house.
I have a huge family and FH has a good size fam too so we are expecting 175-200 people. ( couldn't get it down) to save money I went with an all incusive package 100 people for just under 10k plus tax and service charges. for my 175 I'm at about 18k but I am pretty much done I get limo, dj, photo, video, and 10 centerpieces. only things I need in addition are my bouquets and stuff, 10 more centerpieces( which I'm diying) and extra transportation. I think if u can keep the guest list to 100 10k isn't terrible. there are alot of places that do it now I know my place Sunday is the cheapest, some places are the same price for any day.
hope this helped!

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I agree with this. In order to compromise with your FH you should have a wedding but one on the smaller side. Try to keep your guest list to family and really important people and do an all inclusive. I believe the vineyards and east wind also do all inclusive packages.

I went through the same thing as you. I have always said since I was younger that I would not have a wedding that I would just do town hall. It didn't work out that way and I am really happy I decided to just spend the money on it. It is one of the best days of your life and you are going to want to share that with your close family and friends. The key is just to not let anyone talk you into inviting people you don't know/ don't want there. Stand your ground and only invite the important people and you can end up doing it from relatively cheap.

I think you both need to compromise on each other's wants.

Cut your guest list, pick a less popular time of the year and look into all inclusive venues. Get basic photography packages, do a 1 man DJ (no lights), DIY many elements and don't splurge on invitations. We had a wedding of less than 100 people and as a result we were able to have a Saturday night wedding and everything we wanted.

Currently we are saving for a house. To save 20% for a downpayment, you need 70-100K so you don't have PMI. I don't feel that having our wedding stopped us from saving for a house. We made back about 60-70% of our wedding expenses but I also got everything I wanted. There are many places we could have cut but I got my dream wedding and I don't regret any of it.

Aside from our honeymoon which we definitely splurged on, if we got married at city hall we would still financially be in the same position. Your looking at 30K for a wedding, but bottom line is you will get at least 50% back (and you will have a happy FH).

I agree with the ladies above, you and FH can totally compromise and meet in the middle. I don't think you'll regret having a wedding and if you keep it small, you can definitely have your (wedding) cake and eat it too! LOL!


If you do an all inclusive place, and don't get any upgrades on the things included in the packages, you can totally do a wedding for about $15K. I have the prices for the East Wind Cottage, if you're interested, FM me! Good luck!

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Posted by xBudgetBridex

if u want a list of all incisive package places I can give it to u just let me know! there is prob about 10 or more that do it now!

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That would be amazing! I would really appreciate it, our plan wouldn't be to go looking until the summer, but it would be great to have a list of all-inclusive places to save some money!

Thank you so much for all your advice ladies! When we made our guest lists up, it added up to 250 people [insert shocked, sick face here]. We cut it down to 170 hoping to keep it to 150, but now I'm thinking maybe we should cut it down even more if we can. Our biggest obstacle in that is my FMIL and her obsessive need to include everyone she's ever spoken to. All-inclusive seems to be the way to go, after looking at all your posts. We're going to have to do our research and just work harder at budgeting ourselves and saving. Our plan initially was to save $100 a week each between now and the wedding (adding up to our budget of 30K).

I think we are gonna go to a bank and speak to a mortgage expert soon just to see how much we would have to save in order to purchase a home three years from now and if we would even get a mortgage at that point (my student loans are paid off but FH will graduate December 2015 from grad school with 150K+ in loans).

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Posted by rcotter90

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Posted by xBudgetBridex

if u want a list of all incisive package places I can give it to u just let me know! there is prob about 10 or more that do it now!

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That would be amazing! I would really appreciate it, our plan wouldn't be to go looking until the summer, but it would be great to have a list of all-inclusive places to save some money!

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sorry that took me so long I had to find it I have this sane list to a few other brides.
all the places I know of that do all inclusive are;
the sterling
knight Oceanside
Stewart Thomas manor ( don't recommend it though, smelt!!) 
Mediterranean manor
east wind they have 2 deals 100 for 10k in the cottage ort 150 for 15k st the estates I think alot of brides opt for this! 
stuart manor country club abd sea cliff manor ( they are linked) this one only in jan feb and March
arianas waterfall
beach club estates and Windows on the lake ( also linked)
just found out 2 lessings venues do it now, Brentwood country club( the renovation wasn't done went I was there but it was so old and smelly it needed to be completely gutted if u ask me so I wouldn't recommend that either) and west sayville mansion
good luck hope this was helpful! please don't hesitate to ask anything else you may need!

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Posted by xBudgetBridex

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Posted by rcotter90

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Posted by xBudgetBridex

if u want a list of all incisive package places I can give it to u just let me know! there is prob about 10 or more that do it now!

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That would be amazing! I would really appreciate it, our plan wouldn't be to go looking until the summer, but it would be great to have a list of all-inclusive places to save some money!

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sorry that took me so long I had to find it I have this sane list to a few other brides.
all the places I know of that do all inclusive are;
the sterling
knight Oceanside
Stewart Thomas manor ( don't recommend it though, smelt!!) 
Mediterranean manor
east wind they have 2 deals 100 for 10k in the cottage ort 150 for 15k st the estates I think alot of brides opt for this! 
stuart manor country club abd sea cliff manor ( they are linked) this one only in jan feb and March
arianas waterfall
beach club estates and Windows on the lake ( also linked)
just found out 2 lessings venues do it now, Brentwood country club( the renovation wasn't done went I was there but it was so old and smelly it needed to be completely gutted if u ask me so I wouldn't recommend that either) and west sayville mansion
good luck hope this was helpful! please don't hesitate to ask anything else you may need!

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Thank you so much!

I'm going to give you the same advice my sister gave me when FH and I got engaged:

If you're only looking at it as a party, don't have a wedding.

If that's really how you feel and you're just thinking of it as a party, don't spend the money. We were both on the fence at first but when I really thought about it I knew I wanted to have a wedding. I'm not looking at it as an extravagant party, I'm looking at it as a celebration of our love and the life we've been building and will continue to build together. I want the pictures, the fun, the dancing, the drinks, etc. I want the memories of it all. If you're not thinking of it in that way then I think you should either do city hall (as long as you and your FH agrees that's the right way to go), or something small by really cutting down that guest list and maybe doing an all inclusive package.

HTH, best of luck to you!

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Posted by rcotter90

Thank you so much for all your advice ladies! When we made our guest lists up, it added up to 250 people [insert shocked, sick face here]. We cut it down to 170 hoping to keep it to 150, but now I'm thinking maybe we should cut it down even more if we can. Our biggest obstacle in that is my FMIL and her obsessive need to include everyone she's ever spoken to. All-inclusive seems to be the way to go, after looking at all your posts. We're going to have to do our research and just work harder at budgeting ourselves and saving. Our plan initially was to save $100 a week each between now and the wedding (adding up to our budget of 30K). But right now I'm working off the books and making a lot more than I was when we made this plan and am putting away triple that a week. I'm hoping we'll be able to make it work.

I think we are gonna go to a bank and speak to a mortgage expert soon just to see how much we would have to save in order to purchase a home three years from now and if we would even get a mortgage at that point (my student loans are paid off but FH will graduate December 2015 from grad school with 150K+ in loans).

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Don't let your FMIL be an obstacle. I had same concern about mine but we sat her down and told her truthfully that we want to budget and keep the wedding limited to family and our close friends. She reluctantly agreed and then even offered that if we find we have room for extra people that she would be willing to pitch in $ to cover some of her close friends but that it's not necessary to invite them (much to my surprise). I agree with you that it's overwhelming though but you will figure it out! I wanted to run to city hall, fiancé wanted wedding but now I am happy we are planning a nice day to celebrate our relationship with our loved ones

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Posted by rcotter90

Thank you so much for all your advice ladies! When we made our guest lists up, it added up to 250 people [insert shocked, sick face here]. We cut it down to 170 hoping to keep it to 150, but now I'm thinking maybe we should cut it down even more if we can. Our biggest obstacle in that is my FMIL and her obsessive need to include everyone she's ever spoken to. All-inclusive seems to be the way to go, after looking at all your posts. We're going to have to do our research and just work harder at budgeting ourselves and saving. Our plan initially was to save $100 a week each between now and the wedding (adding up to our budget of 30K). But right now I'm working off the books and making a lot more than I was when we made this plan and am putting away triple that a week. I'm hoping we'll be able to make it work.

I think we are gonna go to a bank and speak to a mortgage expert soon just to see how much we would have to save in order to purchase a home three years from now and if we would even get a mortgage at that point (my student loans are paid off but FH will graduate December 2015 from grad school with 150K+ in loans).

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When it comes to FMIL and the guest list... do what we did.... 'if you WANT and NEED this person to be invited... YOU are paying for their plate. if you are telling US that THIS person needs to be at OUR wedding... YOU pay for them'. This is what we told both (okay really only my mom because she's crazy lol) of our parents and its worked well. Its kept our GL under 200 and I am expecting quite a few no's being that its near the holidays.

No one says it has to be 30k. Opt for an all inclusive. Or opt for a 'cocktail style' reception instead of a full on sit down 3 course dinner. Definitely book off peak season! Trust me... you can keep it under 20-25k if you really try!

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Posted by Alyssa M

I'm going to give you the same advice my sister gave me when FH and I got engaged:

If you're only looking at it as a party, don't have a wedding.

If that's really how you feel and you're just thinking of it as a party, don't spend the money. We were both on the fence at first but when I really thought about it I knew I wanted to have a wedding. I'm not looking at it as an extravagant party, I'm looking at it as a celebration of our love and the life we've been building and will continue to build together. I want the pictures, the fun, the dancing, the drinks, etc. I want the memories of it all. If you're not thinking of it in that way then I think you should either do city hall (as long as you and your FH agrees that's the right way to go), or something small by really cutting down that guest list and maybe doing an all inclusive package.

HTH, best of luck to you!

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Great way to look at it!! I struggled with this too and I was so against a big wedding before I even met my fiancé. But once we were headed to marriage, I embraced the idea of a big celebration and was looking at it solely as a celebration of us and not a party. So I really relate to your comment!