Help! Im stressing out really bad (long story)

I need some advice from brides...heres the story I'll try to make it as short as possible:
My MOH who has been my friend for 10 years is a stay at home mom with 2 small children. Her financial situation is tight because she doesnt work and her husband doesnt make a lot of money, which I completely understand. When it came time to start planning my shower, I gave my Mom all the girls phone numbers and asked my MOH to call my Mom. My MOH told me then that it is my mother's responsibility to organize and pay for the shower. I told her that I didnt agree that I thought the whole bridal party splits the cost (including my Mom) and that my Mom doesnt have the money to pay for my whole shower.
That was about a month ago, since then she has made a couple of comments to me about how my Mom expects her to take charge of the shower and indicated again that she thinks my Mom shoud be paying for it.
So today I went and did some wedding shopping with my Mom and we started talking about the shower because since I work weekends, it most likely will not be able to be a surprise. My Mom said how one of my other BM's is being so helpful and doing so much and made a comment about my MOH being less than helpful. I asked her to elaborate but she said she didnt want to upset me and shouldnt have said anything in the first place. I made her tell me though and she said basically that my MOH is doing NOTHING for the shower, how all she does is complain about money and insinuate that its my Moms responsibility.
Also, the helpful BM is having everybody over tonight to plan the shower and guess what? my MOH isnt going!!! So when I got home one of my other BM's called and I was so upset I told her what happened and she said I dont want to make it worse, but you need to know, everything your Mom said is right, and also they had also talked about having a bachelorette party and since my MOH doesnt drink, she doesnt want anything to do with it.
Oh yeah, did I mention that just last week I put a deposit down for my MOH's dress because she doesnt have the money and the bridal store told me that if we didnt order the dresses, they might not be here in time for the wedding.
I dont know what to do...I think I should ask her to step down, but will that ruin my friendship forever?? And then if I 'promoted' someone else, doesnt that seem like they are second choice?
What do you all think??? What would you do??

Jenn I am so sorry to hear you are having problems...

I'm having some myself...My MOH (sister) doesn't like a BM and isn't telling BMs anything. When they suggest something she shoots it down...

1. Traditionally YOU FAMILY IS NOT SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR ANY OF THE SHOWER...it was seen as soliciting gifts...of course this doesn't happen anymore...my mother paid for my shower to be at her house and it turned out very nice...My sister helped, but 2 BMs were not informed so they didn't help at all..

2. We are paying for FHs nieces and nephews attire, b/c up until 1 month ago they were having financial problems and need to fly in from arizona...we thought that was a big expense...I almost paid for one bms dress, but she came through...If you want her to be a part, its a small expense.

3. Bachelorette party...let the others plan and have a good time, if she comes she comes

4. asking her to step down needs to be done VERY carefully, if that is what you decide...Maybe you could ask her if your wedding is causing problems and if it would be easier to be a guest...INSISTING this is not what you want to happen, but you want to help her out.

5. As for second choices...Is there one that you would want to have step up? Could you explain the situation and ask them to draw straws?

Hope things work out

i agree with asking her to step down, but yes, do it VERY carefully. she sounds like she shouldn't be your moh in the first place but she is. i agree to ask her if its too much for her to be moh, if she says no, leave it as that. heres why:
i was recently asked to be a bridesmaid and then unasked to be in my cousins wedding because she ASSUMED that since her wedding is 6 months before mine, it may be financially hard for me to be a bridesmaid! well guess what, now, not only did i kick her out of my bridal party, i will never speak to her again for hurting me that way. this may sound harsh but we were closer than sisters and she hurt me. i even received an invite for her shower the other day and i sent it back return to sender.
i aint even going to her wedding and she is not invited to mine! this is why i say be careful how you do it. you never know someones situation or bills, till you are actually in her shoes.
and yes it is tradition for the bridesmaids to pay for the shower.
let us know what happens & thanks for letting me vent lol

Thanks for your advice. I dont think anybody else realizes how much you have on your plate planning your wedding and trying to carry on with your everyday life. I agree with you both if I ask her to step down I am going to do it really carefully. I think I am going to say that it seems like it is too much for her right now and if she feels like she cant handle it, I understand and it wont change our friendship (I dont know if that is true).
I probably shouldnt have asked her in the first place, we havent been as close since she had her children, but I promised a long time ago, and I didnt want to go back on my word.
My helpful BM is my oldest friend (20+ years!!). I was actually her MOH when she got married 10 years ago. I actually considered asking her, but we had kinda lost touch for awhile and only started getting close again the last 2 years or so. I just wonder if it seems like I am making her second choice if I ask her, which I guess I am.
It seems like you guys have your hands full too...good luck with your situations.
I'll let you know what happens after I speak to her...Thanks again