I am having a big issue with my husband (long story short I am married, but we are getting married again b.c we did not have a 'real' wedding since he went to Iraq right after so I am a newlywed and a bride to be again). He is in Iraq right now and before we got married he never said he wanted to re enlist and now all of the sudden he wants to re enlist and that is not what I want. I do not want to be a military wife for the rest of my life!! He wants to do it for four more years but then at that point he will already be 30 and just getting out so he might as well stick with it for his entire career. I do not know how to talk sense into him while he is over there and getting pressured. He throws out that I want to get my PhD and I will be doing my own thing so he might as well re enlist. That is such bull! I am not going to sacrifice my education goals b/c of a man! He is basically saying if I get my PhD he will re enlist. I cannot stand him right now!!!! What should I do??
bluegreen08
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
i dont know what to tell you but
AugustBridein09
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
MrsS4
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
aww
I would honestly tell him about the emotional distress of being apart will cause and how it has nothing to do with you getting your phd--you will be home to sleep cook clean and spend time with him-- talk to his family or your family ask for help they may be able to help you out-- hth my best wishes--
mcclj74
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
i agree with the previous poster...
its a really tough situation
michesq
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
tough situation but disucss with him how you're educational goals and his re-enlisting are different and you want him with you,near you and want him aorund for some support as yu pursue your PhD
wish you the best
Utterhappiness
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
Its a very tough situation!
I dont know what to say except to follow your heart and what is in your gut...good luck!
curlyq4458
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
wow that is tough... All I can say is...try to talk to one another without yelling and agruing. I hope you guys can decide on a mutual agreement.
Im a Pepper
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
aww i'm so sorry! how stressful and disappointing that must be for you. i'm sure he must understand that stress and discomfort that comes along with being a military wife. i hope he'll reconsider!
VickiR510
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
Tough situation but you need to tell hime xactly how you feel. Especially the affects that a military family has on children. Its hard for them. You also need to say that your education is just as important to you as his future. Make it clear & discuss it maturely.
kabo0831
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
Ann 52409
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
I wouldn't give up my goals for my man but in the same breathe if I am not willing to give up my goals then I cant expect my man to give up his goals. If he is re-enlisting because he is very passionate about this maybe he can make a vow to you that no matter what at the end of the four years he will not re-enlist. i hope you can come to some compromise.
PP424
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
Wow, that's a tough one. First you are right, you shouldn't scarifies your goals for a man, if anything he should be encouraging you to get your PhD. I'm sort of confused, cause it sounds like he is only doing it cause you are going to be in school, not because he wants to re enlist. Maybe you should tell him you really miss having him with you and how it would mean a lot to have him there while you pursue your dreams. I mean you've been supportive of him all this time, so I can't see why he can't be supportive of you. It's really tough though, cause if his heart is really into re enlisting. it's hard for you to say no. I feel so bad for you, it's such a hard situation, especially since he's not face to face to you, so it's hard for you to know if it's coming from his heart or just pressure. All I can tell you is go with what your heart tells you and be honest to him about your feelings. I'm not sure if one of your concerns is family, but if it is you should mention that too. Good luck!!!
Dr Meg
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
This sounds tough...one of my friends recently went through this after her hubby was away for 6 months. It has to be rough to be apart.
But as for the PhD thing, I can give some advice. I am currently in a PhD program and it isn't like you'll be gone all the time. It is basically like working a 40 hour normal work week, so you will be around.
I would just explain to him how hard it is for you to be apart and how you thought that you'd be settling down and starting a life together.
frenchy702
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
Wow.. this is a very hard thing to go through. I would definitely have a heart to heart with him and tell him that you are pursuing your goals and would love his support. Let him know that you guys are going to be re-starting your life together because last time he had to go away and you really want to be with your husband. Good luck hun, everything will work out.
mdawg
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
okay so im probably gonna be hated for saying this... BUT... (and please keep in mind that this is just ONE PERSON'S OPINION)
i think youre being selfish. hes not allowed to pursue what he wants to do, but you are?
if you dont want a military man for a husband, why marry him in the first place when he was already in the military? it doesnt make sense to me.
marriage is about compromising... it seems like he is willing to compromise, but you arent. hes willing to NOT re-enlist if you dont get your Ph.D. but you want to get your Ph.D. AND want him to not re-enlist.
i don't think youre being fair in this one... thats just my opinion though.
Aristotelina
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
I too agree with MDawg although I'm sure you don't want him to re-enlist because of safety reasons and because you don't want him to be so far away and you probably don't equate getting your PHD the same as him re-enlisting...but a dream, is a dream, right?
Anyhow, I'm sorry you have to go through this, BUT, that's what marriage is all about. Compromise, facing big decisions together and figuring out what's best for the BOTH OF YOU. With that said, you should def talk to your DH and without getting emotional, find out exactly what HE wants and voice what YOU want and try to come to a resolution TOGETHER.
I hope it works out for you--no matter what though!!!
Shellymd
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
I totally understand. As you know, I just welcomed my Fiance home. Once he got home he began having really really bad symptoms of PTSD and soon said he would never ever go back. He also got hurt over there near the end of his tour and i know that changed his mind.
The idea of being a military wife is scary and was to me as well. I figured out that in the Marines (Military) they are trained to fight and thats the way it is. I knew when I met him that this was his life and it could end up being mine. Maybe he will figure out that if he makes that decision it will effect both of you, not just him.
Try to wait until he gets home for this. The time you talk to him now try and change the subject. The whole time FH was in Iraq we went on and on about who was moving, its not worth the hour you get twice a week or so.
FM me if you want to talk.
redvelvet
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
this is a hard one. i can somewhat relate. fh is with NYPD and he loooooves his job. he wants to stay on past his 20yrs so that when he gets promoted he can atleast make top pay at that level. i can understand that goal b/c it will affect our future. i still don't want him to b/c we want to move out of NY. i don't want to continue raising our kids and future kids here in NY. i want a nice house with sprawling land for a reasonable price (not likely to happen up here ). i want him to get out of thais line of work sooo badly!! it is something that we have to continue to discuss and figure out together. there MUST be a compromise.
i hope the two of you can work this out so that it's a win-win situation. wish you guys the best of luck!
MaggieLuvsJoe
Posted:
Member since
Re: help!! long, sorry
WOW I'm so sorry about this. One of my friends was in a similar situation and he re-enlisted without telling her -- she was devastated. I think they do something overthere to sway them into re-enlisting bc he also re-enlisted while he was still in Iraq.
