Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

AllyDrew1108 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:34 AM

Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

Hi ladies,

I need your input and I know you're going to say I can't do this, but I figured I'd ask anyway...

I'm getting married on LI (born and raised) and my mom wants to have shower in my home state of NJ just to make it easy on my guests.

50% are NJ people and 50% are LI people. There are many people I'd like to invite to the wedding but don't really want to ask them to make the trip out there because we're friends like just through work or networking groups, etc.

My MOH says under no circumstances should you invite a woman to the shower and not the wedding (yet there are people on FH list we are just inviting to the wedding). I honestly feel I'm doing some of the NJ locals a favor, they're friends of mine, but not like every day friends and I'd just love to see them at my shower.

Any ideas?

bella1028 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:37 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

for me personally. i would not invite a woman to my shower and not my wedding....although i am doing te opposite...there were several women not at my shower who will b at the wedding....for whatever reason, in my mind, there is a difference....JMO....good luck

mendi725 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:38 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

sorry...but you can't invite people to your shower and not the wedding. there are always going to be people that you extend the invitation to and let them make the decision.

don't stress about making people travel. Let them decide.

I agree that you don't invite every women to your shower. You invite close friends and family. not sure why it's different but it is.

AllyDrew1108 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:38 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

Thanks Bella! I'll figure it all out some how. I think another reason is we're getting close to going over our limit on guests though I can always B list people.

AllyDrew1108 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:40 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

This is going to sound totally dumb, but I also hate to look like I'm hitting people up for two gifts, many of them are very single or very married and I'll never be in a situation to return the favor if you know what I mean. Ugh, why am I getting this deep? Ha ha.

Posted by mendi725

sorry...but you can't invite people to your shower and not the wedding. there are always going to be people that you extend the invitation to and let them make the decision.

don't stress about making people travel. Let them decide.

I agree that you don't invite every women to your shower. You invite close friends and family. not sure why it's different but it is.

bella1028 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:46 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

Posted by AllyDrew1108

Thanks Bella! I'll figure it all out some how. I think another reason is we're getting close to going over our limit on guests though I can always B list people.

anytime....i know this stuff can be stressful...i feel like a lot of people have a B list....it happens and no on else needs to know

AllyDrew1108 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:47 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

Yeah, I think we all need a b-list, think about it - these wedding sites even create one for you in their guest list tool features. Ha ha!

bella1028 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:52 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

Posted by AllyDrew1108

Yeah, I think we all need a b-list, think about it - these wedding sites even create one for you in their guest list tool features. Ha ha!

thats so true....i never looked at it like that...great point

GinaZ Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:58 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

If someone is invited to the shower, they expect to be invited to the wedding.

GinaZ Posted: Apr 12, 2008 08:59 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

Posted by bella1028

for me personally. i would not invite a woman to my shower and not my wedding....although i am doing te opposite...there were several women not at my shower who will b at the wedding....for whatever reason, in my mind, there is a difference....JMO....good luck

Its because a shower for some is meant to be shared with a smaller group of people with whom they are closer. And the shower happens before the wedding, so those at the shower then expect to be at the wedding.

AllyDrew1108 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 09:00 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

So I guess it's not the same vice versa, I've goneto many weddings for like FH's friends and his cousin, yet didn't get invited to their shower. I don't get all these rules My mom has coworker friends who years ago all established- showers only, no weddings. Ha ha!

Posted by GinaZ

If someone is invited to the shower, they expect to be invited to the wedding.

SugaBeans Posted: Apr 12, 2008 10:03 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

sorry but honestly, No wedding invite, no shower invite. They will be expecting a wedding invite to follow.

madseason Posted: Apr 12, 2008 10:05 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

I agree with MOH - you should never invite someone to the shower only. The wedding is the main event.

FutureMrsCarrieri Posted: Apr 12, 2008 10:22 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

this happened to me -- I was invited to the shower of a sister of my co-worker. I didn't know the bride and had never met her. My co-worker basically invited me and some other girls from work to 'fill the room'. I declined of course. I expected to receive an invitation to the wedding and was surprised when I didn't. I was going to decline anyway so I guess it was just as well. But how rude!

angl2001 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 10:25 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

yeah usually everyone invited to teh shower goes to the wedding....we have people we are inviting to the wedding but not to the shower......but everyone invited to the shower IS invited to the wedding.......

if your family is not the type of people to be offended then go for it.......otherwise i wouldnt.JMO

angl2001 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 10:27 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

what if you have 2 showers? 1 in NJ and 1 on LI maybe a few weeks apart? i have seen people do this. my friends FH is from buffalo and they had 1 there and 1 here......just something to think about.

Espo22 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 11:24 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

Posted by AllyDrew1108

So I guess it's not the same vice versa, I've goneto many weddings for like FH's friends and his cousin, yet didn't get invited to their shower. I don't get all these rules My mom has coworker friends who years ago all established- showers only, no weddings. Ha ha!

Posted by GinaZ

If someone is invited to the shower, they expect to be invited to the wedding.

its completely different, and infact shows you even more why people invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding. A shower is not meant for EVERY guest that will be at your wedding, its for your closest family and friends so anyone invited to a shower is going to expect to be at the wedding since for showers you invite those you are closest to. A shower not every guest at your wedding will expect to be invited to the shower. I mean ill give you some of my examples, but fh is inviting co-workers and their wives will be at the wedding, now ive met them at other functions but i am not close to them or know them that well so they wont expect a shower invitation.

So yes, im sorry but anybody invited to a shower should be invited to a wedding, there are etiquette sites that also do say this. Especially for the fact that showers are for your closest family and friends, i would think the closest family and friends would get invited to your wedding. I know if i went to a shower, bought a gift for the bride and shared in her day and didn't get a wedding invite, i would probably think OMG did something happen between the shower and when she sent out wedding invites, does she hate me all of a sudden? did she hate my gift that much? hahahahahah

roan126 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 11:50 AM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

I agree with the others... you can't invite someone to the shower and not to the wedding.

AllyDrew1108 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 12:15 PM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

I have to say one thing though - you all say it's for your closest this and that, but I've been invited to showers for my FH's friend's wives I didn't really know well, so I don't think that's always the case, I think it's more the 'woman going to the wedding rule' - they also get to meet up and talk before the wedding.

Espo22 Posted: Apr 12, 2008 12:17 PM

Re: Help! Shower Etiquette Question!

Posted by AllyDrew1108

I have to say one thing though - you all say it's for your closest this and that, but I've been invited to showers for my FH's friend's wives I didn't really know well, so I don't think that's always the case, I think it's more the 'woman going to the wedding rule' - they also get to meet up and talk before the wedding.

well i have been invited to fh's friends wives showers but i do know them. I have to say that people who invite people they dont know well to their shower do it to probably get more gifts and some feel obligated to invite every woman invited to the wedding and they think that is what etiquette says but its not. If you read shower etiquette it will say this and that NO its not every woman invited to the wedding. But also you just said it yourself its 'woman going to the wedding' so that still means those invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding