Help with In Laws.... Am I wrong?

Fyi I cannot seem to get this in one post so I will continue in the next section

Okay so I have not been to a lot of weddings so maybe I am crazy. So my soon to be Mother in Law offered to pay for alcohol for our wedding. She did not ask for a dollar figure. I told my FH to decline the offer because I did not want to be a burden to anyone and I did not want anyone to think they can dictate because they contributed some money. I told her that she could give us a cash gift if she would like after the wedding. I felt like we can do this ourselves. Maybe I am wrong in feeling that way. So then I get a call from my future father in law asking about it again. I told him I will leave it up to FH.
FH says he thinks it would be a good idea for them to help and we should in turn thank them openly during the reception. It will be a saying like 'Thank you mom and dad for helping us out with the alcohol' I thought it was tacky but what do you guys think? Is that done all the time. I feel like if they are going to do something, they should do so because they want to and not for a public acknowledgement. It looks like they will be disappointed if we do not publicly acknowledged their gift. Maybe I am wrong and that is just the way things are done. And then when we thought about changing our reception facility the alcohol....continued on next post

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cost went up by about $1500 and his parents want to pay a flat amount with us paying the
difference but they want to take credit for paying for it all.
They never asked how much it would cost from the beginning. It was just we would pay for alcohol. But if it goes over a certain amount they would not want to spend the $$$. Ok
Also prior to us saying no the first time to their offer my future Mother in Law kept telling me what I do not need at my wedding. 'You do not need hor doerves, you don't need dessert....' Well I WANT them and its MY wedding and that is why I don't want anyone to help because all of a sudden they feel they can tell you what to do. I want them to know we could do this with or without their help and if they cannot pay for all alcohol, they probably need the money more than we do and they should hold onto it instead of trying to prove to everyone that they helped.

I am sorry this is so long but help me decide.

I going to give you this advice based on my own very similar experience.

DO NOT take the money from them. Pay for it yourselves and tell them 'thanks anyway, but we'll take care of it.' First of all -- even if you did have them pay for it, they should absolutely NOT get 'credit' for it at the wedding. Its not appropriate to announce something like that at a wedding. A 'thank you' note afterwards will suffice.

However, i think having them pay at all will be a big mess. They'll expect recognition, they'll think they have say, and you'll feel like you owe them something in the end. If your gut says no, then dont do it. FH and I wanted to be able to pay for everything on our own (for similar reasons to you) and we're glad we refused any help....it would've only caused problems.

i totally agree and to even mention 'thanks mom n dad for paying for our alcholo' at a WEDDING RECEPTION>??? just so the 'guests' know that they contributed? thats SUPER TACKY in my opinion...totally not necessary... i mean my parents are paying for my whole wedding, but im pretty sure they dont expect me or FH to get up and say thanks for everything for paying for the wedding blah blah .... thats an internal matter, me and FH will be giving them a special gift, but thats just my opinion

id rather have you try to do it yourselves, instead of her adding her opinions and you getting frustrated

good luck!

#1 Not to be overly critical, but who decides they wantto contribute to the alchol?? Not the photographer, not the florist but for thealchol???

#2 That is beyond tacky to have to stand up and announce that they paid for it??? That is ridiculous a private thank u along with a thank note won't do???

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Posted by AeroJenn

I going to give you this advice based on my own very similar experience.

DO NOT take the money from them. Pay for it yourselves and tell them 'thanks anyway, but we'll take care of it.' First of all -- even if you did have them pay for it, they should absolutely NOT get 'credit' for it at the wedding. Its not appropriate to announce something like that at a wedding. A 'thank you' note afterwards will suffice.

However, i think having them pay at all will be a big mess. They'll expect recognition, they'll think they have say, and you'll feel like you owe them something in the end. If your gut says no, then dont do it. FH and I wanted to be able to pay for everything on our own (for similar reasons to you) and we're glad we refused any help....it would've only caused problems.

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I agree. It sounds like they want to give you money for selfish reasons not b/c they want to help out financially.

OK my first thought is 'Don't you hate all the decisions?!' OK In my experience (with weddings and children) you're going to get peoples opinions whether you want them or not, and whether they contribute or not. Always say thats something I haven't thought of yet, I'll think about it or something to that effect. I get lots of advice from all generations and walks of life. But the same thing happened when I had my daughter. So I have learned to take it all with a grain of salt. Ask your reception person how much the bar will cost, worse case scenario. Then tell the FIL's (if you decide to possibly take them up on their offer) what the cost is and if they are still willing becasue you can totally cover it if not. Then if it does happen that they pay for the bar you could hang a little sign behind the bar or put a frame on the bar witha little note saying 'Bar courtesy of MR. and MRS. soandso' Good luck don't stress the littel things. They just want to help. Good luck and here's a hug for you

Ok, I had to think about this one b/c I thought I had read this before....
http://www.weddingplanning.com/tips/content/wedding_expenses.html
Apparently, the cost of alcohol IS something that falls onto parents of the groom. But honestly, I think most of the halls on LI include it in the price per person. So its kind of a wierd gift.

If you can afford to do this wedding without any monetary gifts, go for it. But in my experience, people are going to boss you around & tell you what to do with your wedding whether they donate money or not, so get used to unsolicited 'advice.'

If they want to pay for something & need to be recognized, have them host the rehearsal dinner and have FH toast & thank them then with a simple 'thank you mom & dad for having us tonight.' Case closed.

I would not except it-expecially if they are doing with the thought that they will get some sort of acknowledgement...they, they should do it b/c they would like to help you not b/c they want to be thanked publicly.
Thats just my opinion, both of our parents are sharing the cost of the Hall and we will thank them at the reception for everything that they did, along the lines of 'wed like to thank our parents for everything that they ahve done for us, without that this would not have been possible' but they dont act like they WANT us to thank them.
I would not except it b/c thats where it starts...now they will demand all kinds of things from you both.

Good Luck

I agree-I wouldn't take the money. It's not worth the extra headache to take the $. It seems like they are putting you in a tough spot.

I would discuss this with your FH, and tell him how you feel. I think it would be weird to thank your inlaws in the middle of the reception for paying for the alcohol. I wouls just say no.