Brides Helping Brides ™ - His Family Wants No Involvement...

curlysue Posted: Feb 20, 2003 01:59 PM

His Family Wants No Involvement...

I want to first start off by saying I am lucky to have parents that are willing to help me out with the wedding plans financially. They are pretty much paying for everything. I am very grateful. My FI parents do not want any involvement at all which puts a lot of strain on things. My FI and I are hurt that they do not want to participate. This caused a huge friction between my parents and his. I get really upset when she my future MI suggests what type of favor I should give out, what day I should have the wedding on, where I'm living and if I going to have a washer or dryer etc..First off she should ask her son where we are living correction she shouldn't ask at all. I did tell her we would be renting a small apartment and she made a face. This sort of stuff really ****es me off. I can accept the fact if they were not able to participate because they don't have the money but what they told my parents was they did not get any help when they got married and that I'm the girl and the girls parents should pay for it all. We all know how much is involved...Don't you think this is unbelievable. Again, I want to say I know their are a lot of couples out their that are paying everything themselves I honestly could not imagine it but it would be nice to have family by your side also and family from both sides. The invitations will have my parents names on them of course requesting my guests presence but I can just see what my extended family will be thinking when they see that his parents should be really ashamed of themselves. I don't even want to go over his familys house anymore to me they shouldn't ask me anything about the wedding - oh I forgot about this his mom also asked me about inviting certain people she knows - I don't think so

nylisa Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:03 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

At least you have parents that are supportive and willing to help.

jennbaby Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:04 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

My FH and I are paying for everthing ourselves and we are proud.
I read most people on here who's parents are paying all, half our even some. No, we are paying it ALL. I mean ALL.
Be happy your parents are paying, that's great You are very lucky.

As for your FI, sit down and talk to your FH about how this bothers you and maybe he can speak to his parents.

Good Luck to you

ChristineC68 Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:05 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

We were in the EXACT same situation as far as involvement or interest from my in laws. It didn't affect me personally but it broke my heart that my husbands father would have such little regard for his own son's wedding. And this has nothing to do with money - we were hoping for participation and maybe some curiosity. We just got greif, aggravation and some 'Do we have to's.....rent a tux, attend the RD, etc'

I don't have anything really insightful to say other then I am sory you and your FH have to put up with it.

JuneBride21 Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:05 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

Hi Curly and welcome to the board. I totally understand where you are coming from bc your story sounds like mine. My parents are paying for the entire wedding. My FI's parents are paying for the sunday brunch after the wedding and gave my parents a small sum of money that doesn't even cover the cost of one vendor. My Fi's parents have made suggestions of what they think should or shouldn't be included at the wedding but you will learn to just ignore their comments. Good luck w/ all the planning.

nrvbrd Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:05 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

I am sorry to hear this. You seem really upset and I feel for you.

As harsh as it may seem, not everyone is going to want to be involved in your wedding even those close to you.

Look at the positive side, you and your parents have total power and can do whatever you want. Should they interject a comment or suggestion - just brush it off. It seems as though you will have to do alot of that.

Good luck.

radiostar Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:14 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

I'm with Nvr on this one!

Additionally, although it may be a little painful to accept...realize that it may actually be a blessing in disguise! At least you KNOW how they feel. It would be worse to attempt to deal with frowning faces, and stinky attitudes throughout your planning process and not know why. Consider yourself blessed that your parents are genuinely happy for you.

Stay strong and take advantage of this circle of strength on this board. The ladies here are unbelievably supportive.

nylisa Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:15 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

curlysue you have FM.

LisaT Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:15 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

it sounds like she wants to be involved and is interested - asking you questions about favors, schedule, guests etc. They're just not contributing financially. I don't know that you should really hold that against them. From your message, it seems like you don't think they're entitled to their interest in your life because they're not paying.

People have different ideas about how weddings should be paid for. Some of my friends had their wedding paid for entirely by the brides family (the traditional way). I knew this was never going to be the case for me, but I don't resent my parents for it. We're adults who haven't lived at home for years - why should it be their responsibility?

Both sets of parents contributed to the wedding, but we paid for 75-80% on our own. Having their interest and support was worth a lot more than their money.

Stop looking at the financial aspect and accept their participation in other ways.

charliesgirl Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:16 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

Its a blessing that they don't want to be involved.
My parents have been such a big help but his parents who haven't given a dime have more than enough things to say about our wedding. even if we didn't have help from my parents they still would have supported all of our decisions.

Rob-luvs-me Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:36 PM

Curlysue you have FM

DrmnBlnd Posted: Feb 20, 2003 02:39 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

It's really great that you have such a supportive family.

If she/they say anything else, you have the option of turning to her and saying, 'but you want nothing to do witht the wedding- so why do you care what we do?'

balilove Posted: Feb 20, 2003 03:22 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

Sorry to hear that you are upset but, try to focus on the positives. Be grateful for your parents financial support and try to brush off bad feelings about FIL's.

Here are some positives: you are getting married to the man you adore, your parents are financing the wedding, less people to involve in all the decisions.
LOL

OctBride03 Posted: Feb 20, 2003 03:24 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

Very sorry to hear this... Glad to hear you have fantastic parents of your own, though!!! How wonderful to have everything paid for! You're a lucky girl! Cheer up, it all works out in the end!

michele31 Posted: Feb 20, 2003 03:27 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

If his parents had told you that they wished they were in a position to help my answer would be very different. Your parent's name should be on the invite, his should not. You are the girl and your parents name goes on the invite, not theirs. Just answer 'I am not sure yet' to every question. Or 'we'll think about it' and ignore her. What she said to your parents was rude and NOT true at all. Be glad your parents are so supportive and just ignore your FIL's comments.

sn00k4 Posted: Feb 20, 2003 03:52 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

My situation is similar... just reverse the parents.
My parents could care less what's going on with this wedding... aren't going to be attending the RD and haven't offered any emotional or financial support.... Fh and I are paying for everything except for the flowers (FI parents are picking up that tab)

I thank god for FI parents... with out them I would be a complete mess!

It is very hard for me to accept the fact that my parents do not really care... but at least i know where i stand with them... what is your FI reaction to all of this...

All I have to say is be thankful that your parents are behind you 100%

christy Posted: Feb 20, 2003 04:24 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

Both our families want no involvement, and nobody can contributed anything. So I feel your pain. FH and I are totally flying solo on our wedding!

susans Posted: Feb 20, 2003 05:11 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

My parents offered to pay for the reception, my brothers paid a large portion of some of my vendors and DH paid for everything else, including the rehearsal dinner.
If your future in-laws are people that are just genuinely good, then maybe you should just let it go. They'll be part of your family forever, and it won't be worth it to cause all sorts of friction over who gives what.

I adore my in-laws. Sad to say, but I get along with his mother even better than my own, and in the course of my planning, it was actually HIS mom that took more interest in how things wre going, if I needed any help, was there anything she could do etc., etc., my own mother and her guests were a complete nightmare. And it was my mom that caused me all sorts of tears and grief in the last month or so prior the event.

His parents didn't contribute a dime to the wedding.
Whether they didn't have the money or they didn't want to, whether they thought it was the bride's families 'job' in terms of etiquette...I don't know, and to be honest, it never occured to me to ask. I love them both and it never bothered me. My parents weren't bothered either. MILs support in the course of my planning was invaluable to me and the fact that they offered no financial support whatsoever, is not something I would ever hold against them.
Both sets of parents were on the invitation. Even though in was one sided in terms of money, to us, it was the union of both our families so we wanted the invite to reflect that.

avesur Posted: Feb 20, 2003 07:42 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

we are paying for all of our wedding expenses, and I am very grateful that we don't have to deal with parental not involvement. Our famlies live abroad, and for them is already a huge expense to come to be with us. You are very lucky that your family supports you, and that your FH can see what his family is not doing. I would advice that if both of you think that they won't change attitude, then just don't bother. And OR COURSE! don't let them invite any people because if they don't help they don't deserve it!

good luck!!!

michele31 Posted: Feb 20, 2003 07:49 PM

Re: His Family Wants No Involvement...

This issue isn't just about the $$$ it is about the rude comments that are being made. My MIL didn't give us a dime towards the wedding, she isn't in a position to, BUT she also never interferred with our plans or made rude comments to my parents.