Holiday help - in law related

Here is the situation. My parents are still married and live in Queens where I grew up. My DH's parents have been divorced for 20+ years. His dad lives in the Hamptons and his Mom is remarried and lives in NC. His dad is just stubborn and does not like to travel - not even to see his grandkids in Nassau Cty. So anyone who wants to see him has to come to him. His mom in NC is in poor health and so is his stepfather. His mom would travel up to NY for the holidays but her husband wont (refuses to) and therefore my MIL is trapped unless we go to see her.

Last year (our first married Christmas!) we went down to NC. My own family was crushed but accepted it. Well, the topic came up again and I figured, well we can alternate years maybe, I like going to see my MIL and we only see her a few times a year but its not fair to my family not see us this year for Christmas again. Well, you guessed it, my DH wants to spend Christmas down there again. Now, this is the 2nd year in a row and also the first year we are in a new house of our own. I don't think its fair! My parents will be furious! My DH says that we see my parents all the time since they live in Queens and they should get over it. Help!!

Re: Holiday help - in law related

can you compromise and go to nc for thanksgiving or new year's?

Re: Holiday help - in law related

You basically just described the fight I have with my DH everything thanksgiving.

This year we are going to go down there Wed - Sat and come back and spend sat with my family - although I am really set on staying up here next year. You HAVE to compromise to make everybody happy - that is what you agree to when you get married!

Re: Holiday help - in law related

I agree with you every other year. But, what about seeing his mom on a different holiday.

Re: Holiday help - in law related

I suggested Thanksgiving and my DH shot that idea down. Maybe New Years. It's not gonna fly - it will cause WW3 for us to go down there again this year. Plus - hello - I would like to see my family too!

Re: Holiday help - in law related

honey you have to stand your ground. and tell him it is just as special and important to you that you see your family on the holidays as he does.

Re: Holiday help - in law related

This might seem soo wrong to some people but when DH and I can't agree on where to go/who to visit. We split up and each go our own way. I understand how important his family is to him and he understands how important my family is to me adn we know how hard holiday time is, espeically when both families are urging you to spend time with them.
It might not be the best alternative and it does suck not to be w. DH on the day...but we make sure to make our own holiday before we leave.

Re: Holiday help - in law related

I would negotiate some alternative visit(s) to your MIL before giving up two christmas' in a row with your family because his family is entirely inflexible. The distance is unfortunate but you have to be fair to yourselves.

Re: Holiday help - in law related

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Posted by lilmrs

This might seem soo wrong to some people but when DH and I can't agree on where to go/who to visit. We split up and each go our own way. I understand how important his family is to him and he understands how important my family is to me adn we know how hard holiday time is, espeically when both families are urging you to spend time with them.
It might not be the best alternative and it does suck not to be w. DH on the day...but we make sure to make our own holiday before we leave.

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To me it sounds wrong. I know she doesnt have kids yet but when she does this would be difficult. They are a couple and have to start their own traditions together.

Re: Holiday help - in law related

You should definetly be able to alternate, I say spend this Christmas with your family & plan another trip to NC so you can see you MIL. Remind your DH that he has to compromise!

Re: Holiday help - in law related

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Posted by t

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Posted by lilmrs

This might seem soo wrong to some people but when DH and I can't agree on where to go/who to visit. We split up and each go our own way. I understand how important his family is to him and he understands how important my family is to me adn we know how hard holiday time is, espeically when both families are urging you to spend time with them.
It might not be the best alternative and it does suck not to be w. DH on the day...but we make sure to make our own holiday before we leave.

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To me it sounds wrong. I know she doesnt have kids yet but when she does this would be difficult. They are a couple and have to start their own traditions together.

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We only use this if we are getting severe pressure from both sides...we have only did it once and it did not set a precedent. Although, I would do it again (while I remain childless) if the situation were to get that bad again.

Re: Holiday help - in law related

thanks for the suggestion the thought did cross my mind but I don't want to spend the holidays without my DH - for 2 reasons:
- I don't want to spend it without DH
-I don't want to set a precedent - when we have kids I want us all to be together. I don't want it to be 'ok' not to be together.

Re: Holiday help - in law related

My brother has the same situation, my SIL's family lives in CA. They worked it out where each year they alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas. If they go to CA for Thanksgiving then they stay in NY for Christmas. The following year they switch. In the years that they stay in NY for christmas they either go to CA the week before or the week after-all depending on the kids school schedule.

Everyone is very understanding of it and we all try to work around their schedule. Can you try to work something like that out?

Re: Holiday help - in law related

oops...

Re: Holiday help - in law related

It's really not fair of him to ask you to not see your family two Christmas's in a row. If he brings up the fact that you always see your family (because they live in Queens) I would tell him that you see him everyday but you wouldn't ever want to spend the holiday without him...

I think it's very important to compromise.

My only other suggestion is to spend Christmas eve in one place and Christmas day in the other, but that's a lot of traveling to do... But, your MIL does sound like a reasonable woman - I would be thankful for that!!

Good luck

Re: Holiday help - in law related

I am so sorry you are going through this... DH and I have this argument every year at Thanksgiving... Dh is Jewish and I am Catholic so Christmas have never been a problem.
It is not fair for him to expect you not to see your parent for 2 years. Christmas is a very important time so you HAVE to do the every other year thing... Tell DH you will go visit his mom at some other point during the year. Thanksgiving and New Years would probably be expensive and crowded to fly.
Good luck

Re: Holiday help - in law related

DH and I seperate when needed, and it is fine. If he wants to go to Florida or Michigan to see his family that is fine with me. I don't like using my vacation time up for inlaw trips. I did mine time for many holidays with my inlaws, and now it is easier if my DH goes away for the three days

Re: Holiday help - in law related

AUGH. Don't split up. I could never do that. It's important for the two of you to be together, and I think you should stay home and be in your own home and see your family ho didn't see you last year. maybe you can arragen another time soon after..like president's weekend, or MLK weekend to go to NC?