Holidays

Help! I know I don't post on here often but I am at my wits end. My MIL is already starting in about the holidays. I have more family that lives out of state than my in-laws. Hubby's 2 sisters still live at home and that about sums up his family. Last Thanksgiving was our 1st married one and we spent it at my mother's because my brother and sister and their families were visiting. I only see them all together about twice a year. The subject of the holidays came up because of family work schedules. Well, my whole family is once again coming to visit. This includes my 2 year old niece who barely knows me. Hubby tells his mother that we're spending Thanksgiving with my mother and she says 'you spent last Thanksgiving there- are we ever going to have you over for Thanksgiving again?' Then she tells him that we will have a discussion about future Thanksgivings. Like he's 10 years old!
I told him that going to see my family is not an obligation- that if we NEVER saw his family we would make more of an effort on Thanksgiving but we have dinner with them all the time. This is my 'Christmas' with my niece- as I won't see her until the Spring.
BTW- we've tried sharing holidays 2 years ago- at his parent's first then dessert at mine but his mother made dinner 3 hours late so we'd spend more time with her. Both sets of families live within 20 minutes of each other so we did attempt to make everyone happy....
Does anyone else have this problem? Any advice???

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You are not alone, believe me! This is a very personal topic, and only you and you dh can decide what's best, but I think (for what my opinion's worth) that if your out-of-town family visits so infrequently, YOU SHOULD BE THERE!

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Well I'm glad I'm not alone!!!! I love my husband but his mother takes everything so personally and keeps score of where we go for each holiday. Its getting ridiculous...hopefully next year we'll have a house and can just have everybody over. But I'm sure my MIL will find something wrong with it!
I totally understand about the rarely seen relatives....Thanksgiving over at my in-laws is like a regular dinner (which we do enough) with turkey and at my parent's house it's something more special. I keep reminding hubby that when we got married that the priest said we are now our own family unit...unfortunately I think my MIL missed that line.
Thanks for the empathy Jenn Renee...
I'm sure you'll hear more from me as the holidays get closer (and tomorrow is only Oct 1st )

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We can comiserate all holiday season long!

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We usually spend thanksgiving with one family, christmas with the other. Out first year, we did breakfast with his parents in MD, and drove down to NY for dinner my parents. This is always difficult, but we have tried to balance it out as much as we can

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I hate the holidays for this reason!!.. i pretty much find out what my family is doing first.. I pretty much make the desicion and he follows along, to where we go (i dont do this to make anyone feel bad,) but his mother has known me for 13 years and i have been with her son for 7. you would think she knows i am alergic to fish (since i tell her EVERYTIME i am over there)and i am not just allerigic, if i touch it then i swell up.. well EVERY single holiday there is nothing but fish, fish everything,, frankly the smell of the house on the holidays makes me want to vomit!! plus i cant guarentee that she didnt use a fork or spoon with the fish and stirr it with something i could eat... so i try to make it to his parents house for desseert if my family is doing something..i have vowed that when we have bought our own house then both familys will be invited over and whoever comes comes.. but i am not leaving my house!!! i tested it last Christmas and i had it catered and it was great...but the house i rent is rather small for that...

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I spent the last 2 christmases in AZ with MIL and BIL and family...while I didn't mind going, we are staying in NY this year...and wouldn't you know...DH's aunt is already putting her claws in...Before we even got to their house sun (we go 1-2 times a month) I made it clear that we would be spending thanksgiving (the first one without my grandfather) and christmas eve (since it has been 3 years) with MY family...

I was very hurt when he left thanksgiving last year to go to his aunts...but sometimes I guess men just don't understand...stand your ground...and make sure it is understood what is happening without other relatives around....this is a decision the 2 of you make...

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Ugh -- this one stresses me out all year long. My parents are divorced and so are his parents. My mom lives on LI, my father and step-mom live in FL. My FIL lives in Richmond, VA and my MIL and his step-dad live in North VA. Also we have an ex-step family that lives in VA that we are obligated to still keep in touch with. And we live in NC. So it's a big pain in the every year. This year I have no idea what we'll do since Christmas is on a Wed. and he doesn't have any more days off this year. I have the whole week off but it wont do me much good w/o my husband

So we are all definitely in the same boat. I know when you get married you have to make sacrifices and comprises. I think what hurts the most is not being able to carry on the same traditions with your family b/c you have a bigger family to share the holidays with now. The important thing is not to get so stressed that you don't enjoy any of it. Easier said then done, huh!

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I used to spend Thanksgiving dinner with my family and he used to spend it with his and each year we would take turns over who is going over whose house for dessert. This year we will be married before Thanksgiving. Our parents live 5 minutes apart. This year my parents are inviting his over for Thanksgiving.

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I'm hoping to avoid these problems, but I guess it is inevitable! Anyway, we live in TX, my family on LI and his family in Indiana, so it is all or nothing with holiday travel for us. Cant really do dinner one place and dessert another! :). But my family is pretty cool about it, whereas his sisters get offended if a holiday is missed (they all live in the same town with family and FI is the only one to have moved away). But I have already told my family that I am not committing to a schedule of holidays here and holidays there. We will try to keep it as even as possible, but i am making sure that there are no expectations from either mine or his family. Nothing will be set in stone and I want to be able to enjoy a holiday with just us as we start having our own family and don't want to feel like I owe anyone a visit. But,....who knows how long that will last!!!

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We try to alteranet holidays. Xmas Eve is a big thing we do at MIL house, so then Xmas we have at my parents. Easter we alterante each year. We do dinner at one, and dessert at the other. The same with Thanksgiving. Although I decided that I want to have dinner at OUR house, and MIL is NOT happy about that one. She insists we have it at her house I alreday invited people so...oh well

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Diane, I CAN'T WAIT until we have dining room furniture so that I can just invite everyone for Thanksgiving and let the chips fall where they may. I know MY family will come...
Too bad for MIL... she'll enjoy herself at your house if she lets herself. Just remind her of how relaxing it will be for her ~ no cooking or clean up! Don't worry, she'll get over it!

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My MIL is also set in her ways... I don't think she would even consider having Thanksgiving at anyone else's house...and she is so difficult to please. We had everyone in our apt. last Xmas for dinner and my husband's family insisted on hordeurves (sp?)...so there I was trying to enjoy myself, cook a huge dinner and satisfy them with appetizers BEFORE dinner in our little apt. I was miserable. My parents wouldn't invite them over because they would have to invite the whole family and they don't have the room. My in-laws aren't very sociable- they sat at their table the whole time during the reception at our wedding...I should have known this was coming....

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sam....sounds just like my in-laws. I dont think I even saw them up dancing. My parents are VERY sociable.

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When we lived in Boston we'd make the traffic-filled drive to NY for Thanksgiving with his Mom. Christmas the past few years has been with my family in AZ. When his Mom expressed disappointment that he was going again to AZ at Christmas, he pointed out that she never does anything to celebrate the holiday. In fact, the last time he was in NY (before we were married, and I was in AZ) she called at 9:00 Christmas morning to cancel the day's plans because she wasn't feeling to well. He ended up spending the day at his brother's neighborhood bar, hanging out with his father who he despises, for lack of anything else to do. He said never again!

This year, we're doing Thanksgiving at our house for his Mom and all hubby's Aunts and Uncles (on Mom's side) plus a few 'strays. 20+ people - eek! My parents are coming here for Christmas, so we'll be celebrating in our house! Not sure yet what the plans will be - probably a big Christmas Eve open house, and a nice Christmas dinner.

I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving with the food I like (and of course I'll have to cook what his family likes too). It's been so long since I've had some of the traditional items I'm used to, like Mashed Potatoes (they only do Yams), veggies the way I like them - and PIE!!! - His family doesn't really like Pie - they do Entemman's cake, or cheesecake, and to me it's just not Thanksgiving without Pumpkin Pie with homemade fresh whipped cream, and Mince Meat Pie - warm with Vanilla Ice Cream. Yummm!!! And on real plates - my new china - (not paper because it's so much easier to clean up)

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I'm dreading this...it was the one issue we had during our pre-cana. To date, we've split the holidays. Our parents live around the corner from each other, so we'd run back and forth (with Al doing most of the running - he'd end up eating 2 meals to make everyone happy). We'd try to coordinate dinner & dessert but his mom would always run hours late and screw up the schedule.

I'm not doing that this year. I want to be in one place and just enjoy it. Problem is, I really want to be with MY family (better food and more fun). Plus his mom is VERY easily insulted.

It doesn't help that we live 3000 miles away so none of them see us very often. I'm willing to do Christmas Eve at one house and Christmas Day at the other, but I don't know how well that will go over.

My mom offered to invite my in-laws for the holidays but they didn't go for that. His parents are rather strange when it comes to social things and they're very strange when it comes to in-laws.

This is why we're not going to NY for Thanksgiving

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Well , we saw the in-laws today for the first time since we decided on the holidays. Of course we got the third degree. My husband did say that we're spending Thanksgiving with my family because they will all be there and that my birthday is 2 days after and it will be my birthday dinner with my family also. My MIL asks 'How long is your sister staying- do you need to have dinner with them THAT day?' I couldn't believe that she would even think that dinner with her family was more important than seeing my family once a year! Then she starts- 'So will we NEVER have Thanksgiving with the two of you?' and my husband says 'we'll have a house next year so everyone can come' - I nearly swallowed my teeth- now he's voluntering me to cook a dinner for everybody!!!
The most difficult part of this is that my husband listens to his mother's guilt trips and manipulations. I understand that she is his mother but it is so obvious that she is being SO difficult about this....
Looks like this is going to be a very long holiday!!!