Holidays & New Families-- a little long

Anyone else having a problem managing their families?

My parents are divorced- so it is sorta always a problem with the holidays.. But after 15 some odd years, we figured out a way to manage.

Now that I am getting married- and marrying into a large family- I feel pressure to balance seeing everyone.. and my father in particular is being a big baby and really not understanding my new situation.

Also, my bro lives in Cali and moved out of NY after college, so I am always the one bearing the brunt of this.

Basically- my dad has been hosting thanksgiving for the past couple of years- my bro flys in, my mom and step dad come too- a proper dysfunctional family holiday. This year, my bro and his wife invited everyone out to CA for thanksgiving in their new house. I figured this is the one opportunity to have thanksgiving with FH's family as my bro and sis in law usually come in.. My mom is going out there, my dad isn't.. I invited my dad to FH's family house- and he does not want to go. Mind you, my dad has a longtime girlfriend who he never celebrates the holiday with- but it;s not like he has no one to spend the day with.

He just says to me- you know I always do thanksgiving- it's the only time I ask you to come over.. blah blah, total jewish guilt. These plans were also already discussed over a month ago- but he brings the shite upon again yesterday. If anyone should be blamed here- it should be my bro, since he is the one who threw the wrench in the plans by not coming out this year-- but why should I have dinner with just my dad and FH, when there is a whole house filled with people that want to have dinner with ALL THREE of us (meaning FH's parents & family)? Isn't my dad being a total pain in the arse and a big freakin baby??!!

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

There is no way to split it?? luckily my parents do dinner early (around 3) and his parents do dinner around 6ish so we just go to both. Otherwise me and him would probably fight over which house to go to lol

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

what we have done is dinner one place and dessert another.. but since there is really no one around this year- my dad is not going to cook.. We would go to his girlfreind's house for dessert- which we are planning on doing anyway.. but my dad still lays it on.

Also last year's thanksgiving was a total disaster.. My dad did not get dinner on the table til like 7 30!! Thanksgivin dinner!! So, he likes to cook and stuff- he just does not do it well.

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

i am just becoming familiar with the jewish guilt, but if it's anything like the italian guilt, then you probably need some more:



yes, it sounds like your dad is being a baby, probably because he feels wounded that no one is coming to his house for thanksgiving. he is probably feeling sorry for himself, and since misery loves company, he is sending a little your way.

maybe try talking to him and telling him the same thing that you just told us? i'm sure you've tried that already... but like i said, it's my first time with the jewish guilt, so i don't really know how to handle it...

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

thanks Alex..

I have already spoken with him.. he is just a total pain in the arse..

Then he is like when you come out to LI I don't see you.. like for wedding planning stuff.. Meanwhile whenever we are all going out for dinner or whatever- him and his GF are always invited.. and we are doing wedding stuff, so naturally I am with my mom..

We go to FH's parents a lot cause they have extra cars we can use and the train ride to their house is shorter as well.

He proceeds to tell me we are just not close.. and this is just how it is.. w t f??? This coming from a man that demanded dance lessons for the two of us right after I got engaged for the father/daughter dance.

This is why he pisses me off... we are def not close enough to make the f/d dance a big deal- yet he wants to do all this stuff that makes it look liek we are.. and instead of just accepting our relationship- he just tells me he doesn't care.. I swear-- he never loses the ability to make me cry easily-- ever since puberty.

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

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Posted by randella

thanks Alex..

I have already spoken with him.. he is just a total pain in the arse..

Then he is like when you come out to LI I don't see you.. like for wedding planning stuff.. Meanwhile whenever we are all going out for dinner or whatever- him and his GF are always invited.. and we are doing wedding stuff, so naturally I am with my mom..

We go to FH's parents a lot cause they have extra cars we can use and the train ride to their house is shorter as well.

He proceeds to tell me we are just not close.. and this is just how it is.. w t f??? This coming from a man that demanded dance lessons for the two of us right after I got engaged for the father/daughter dance.

This is why he pisses me off... we are def not close enough to make the f/d dance a big deal- yet he wants to do all this stuff that makes it look liek we are.. and instead of just accepting our relationship- he just tells me he doesn't care.. I swear-- he never loses the ability to make me cry easily-- ever since puberty.

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it sounds a little bit like he wants to be close to you, and by saying that you're not close and that's just how it is, he is actually looking for you to come back and say 'no, that's not true, we ARE close, yadda yadda...'. maybe he himself feels guilty about you guys not being super close, and he is just acting out because of it?

from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like he loves you a lot and is just having a hard time expressing it. i'm sorry his actions make you feel sad...

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

So sorry you are dealing with this. Something about the holidays makes everyone a little nutty!
So this is our third set of holiays--#1 we went to FI with his whole extended family and did not see mine at all. Last year we went away and this year, especially with some recent family events my family, who has been way cool about deferring our being with them -- similar to you Randi with the guilt.
Anyway, so as to compromise, we are planning to head to my family for TG dinner and his family for the whole next day. Well today out of the clear blue (this is NOT at all like her typically) she sends him an email! which says 'Friday is not a special day so don;t even bother' ***? He send to me and I was so upset.
This is terrible but I take a lot of comfort in knowing that other people have similar nonsense -- just checking all the boards, newlywed, BHB, and this one, there must be 10 posts on the subject of what is up with the holidays -- anyway, for what it is worth, lots of to all of us.

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

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Posted by randella

Anyone else having a problem managing their families?

My parents are divorced- so it is sorta always a problem with the holidays.. But after 15 some odd years, we figured out a way to manage.

Now that I am getting married- and marrying into a large family- I feel pressure to balance seeing everyone.. and my father in particular is being a big baby and really not understanding my new situation.

Also, my bro lives in Cali and moved out of NY after college, so I am always the one bearing the brunt of this.

Basically- my dad has been hosting thanksgiving for the past couple of years- my bro flys in, my mom and step dad come too- a proper dysfunctional family holiday. This year, my bro and his wife invited everyone out to CA for thanksgiving in their new house. I figured this is the one opportunity to have thanksgiving with FH's family as my bro and sis in law usually come in.. My mom is going out there, my dad isn't.. I invited my dad to FH's family house- and he does not want to go. Mind you, my dad has a longtime girlfriend who he never celebrates the holiday with- but it;s not like he has no one to spend the day with.

He just says to me- you know I always do thanksgiving- it's the only time I ask you to come over.. blah blah, total jewish guilt. These plans were also already discussed over a month ago- but he brings the shite upon again yesterday. If anyone should be blamed here- it should be my bro, since he is the one who threw the wrench in the plans by not coming out this year-- but why should I have dinner with just my dad and FH, when there is a whole house filled with people that want to have dinner with ALL THREE of us (meaning FH's parents & family)? Isn't my dad being a total pain in the arse and a big freakin baby??!!

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To answer you, yes. I think he ought to swallow and either come with you to FI family OR just let you join him for dessert.

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

thanks Deb..

If I am to play armchair psychologist for a min.. I think our parents immature behaviour is them acting out cause it's dealing with their own feelings of getting older as their children get married. I hate this bullshite about- if you are going to come when I want you to come- don't bother.. I don't understand how they are not more accomodating.

I have always been the person, or rather, the child that my parents depended on. When my parents were going through a divorce- I was 11- and my dad considered me his best friend.. There were tons of things he did to push me away-- thinking of things as construcitve criticism-- making jokes about me being unemployed (after having been laid off twice).. and me still to this day having self-esteem and body issues cause of comments my dad has made to me over the past 18 years. He is inherently an arsehole... but he is still my dad and we mostly bond over professional issues- since we work in the same biz.. I just wish he made our relationship easier- it is what it is-- and why does he have to make me feel guilty when he is the one who is responsible for changing our relationship.. He has also made rude comments to me about FILs. Enough is enough--

I can go on and on...

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

Still, does aging really breed and/or permit narcissim. We need a professional to use these big psych words.


A L E X!!!!!!!

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

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Posted by DebMaher

Still, does aging really breed and/or permit narcissim. We need a professional to use these big psych words.

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with my dad-- definitely!!

And to top it off- his 60th b day is a week before the wedding.. so he keeps talking about what kind of celebration he can have, with my bro in town and with all his friends coming to the wedding anyway..

It's all about him. He should be a character in a Herman Hesse novel.

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

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Posted by randella

I think our parents immature behaviour is them acting out cause it's dealing with their own feelings of getting older as their children get married. I hate this bullshite about- if you are going to come when I want you to come- don't bother.. I don't understand how they are not more accomodating.

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i agree, randi - i've actually been thinking about a similar point a lot lately, in the context of my sister's relationships with her children. on the one hand, it scares me how much she lets them run wild... but on the other (and i think, more important) hand, she allows them to be their own people and to lead their own lives as they see fit. she always says that just because she gave birth to them, doesn't mean that they belong to her.

i think this is where many of our parents miss the boat... they have always felt that their children belonged to them, and the fact that they really don't becomes most painfully apparent when the children choose another person to spend their life with. in light of that realization, they act out and get upset when things don't go precisely as they want.

i think narcissism is a defense mechanism against one's own insecurities. in the case of parents, i think it might be them trying to protect themselves from being alone. and randi, as far as the hurtful comments that you've received from your dad over the years, i would bet that they are all in some way reflective of his own negative feelings about himself. not that that makes them any more excuseable....

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

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Posted by alexlynn7

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Posted by randella

I think our parents immature behaviour is them acting out cause it's dealing with their own feelings of getting older as their children get married. I hate this bullshite about- if you are going to come when I want you to come- don't bother.. I don't understand how they are not more accomodating.

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i agree, randi - i've actually been thinking about a similar point a lot lately, in the context of my sister's relationships with her children. on the one hand, it scares me how much she lets them run wild... but on the other (and i think, more important) hand, she allows them to be their own people and to lead their own lives as they see fit. she always says that just because she gave birth to them, doesn't mean that they belong to her.

i think this is where many of our parents miss the boat... they have always felt that their children belonged to them, and the fact that they really don't becomes most painfully apparent when the children choose another person to spend their life with. in light of that realization, they act out and get upset when things don't go precisely as they want.

i think narcissism is a defense mechanism against one's own insecurities. in the case of parents, i think it might be them trying to protect themselves from being alone. and randi, as far as the hurtful comments that you've received from your dad over the years, i would bet that they are all in some way reflective of his own negative feelings about himself. not that that makes them any more excuseable....

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I think that's an interesting point you make- about belonging to our parents.. I would think that may be true for some people, or even people who are just younger. I don't think my parents look at me that way-- and especially, when you go through someting like a divorce- you really get to know your parents as equals much earlier in life.. as well as any other serious thing that sorta breaks down the line between parent and child.

I know that my dad did not have the most loving home growing up- meaning my Grandmother was sorta on the mean side- and I understand his constructive criticism as something he grew up with-- but, that does not make it any less hurtful. It mostly just pisses me off that this is our relationship- then he puts up a facade that I am daddy's little girl to other people, then he gives me this guilt trip and I need to tell him I do not see my mother that much more than I see him- when he never asks me for plans either.. hence the whole reason of this post..

I think our parents just grew up in such a different way-- we really need to assume the role of the grown ups sometimes.. I have seen this especially on here when girls posts about family drama- it's always their parents acting crazy and irrational.

I swear there should be a therapy session for m/f ob &ogs!!

Re: Holidays & New Families-- a little long

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Posted by randella

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Posted by alexlynn7

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Posted by randella

I swear there should be a therapy session for m/f ob &ogs!!

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can i sign my mother up NOW?!