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how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

butterfly20 Posted:

how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

when my sister got married the two of them went out and got a dress...

now im getting married and my mom says about going out to get mine...

I dont want to go just me and her ...
First, i want my sister(MOH) there... which wont be a big deal...
Second, i want FMIL there...
my fmil doesnt have a daughter and i know she would really want to go, and my mom- i can guarantee you will probably not like my dress, and try and get me to pick the complete opposite(and my sister will just agree with my mom)... i want fmil there to actually be supportive of me, and help pick a good looking dress.... i know my mom is going to be jealous of her so i dont know how to go about bringing up that i want her there...

(im sure ill probably hear ' im paying for your dress, its my day with you' or 'im your mother thats suppose to be me and you'...

(however I remember sisters fmil saying after she got her dress that she would have liked to come along if asked)... im thinking maybe i can somehow use that....

what can i do?? I know if i word it right she wont mind so much...
palebride Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

emily, that's a tough one.
i know my mother felt that our time dress shopping was sacred and would have knocked my head off if i had suggested that my FMIL come along. However, I also trust my mother's taste and I know that we like similar things, so I was comfortable going dress shopping just the two of us.
I would sit your mother down and talk to her....let her know that you would like to include FMIL as she will soon be a big part of your life and you know she'll never have the opportunity to do this again. I would not suggest telling here that you want someone else there because you know she'll pick out a dress that you hate.
And I have no idea what to say if she pulls out the 'I'm paying for this dress' line.
Good luck!
You know, i was just wondering this morning if you'd found your dress yet or not....
prncssrachel Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

I have no advice, just Mom's can be strange creatures! Trust me...I KNOW!
Donna Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

That is a tough one. I only went with my mom but that's because I wanted to. Here are some options -

What if you go first with your mom to just check out dresses? Not necessarily buy, but try on all types, to figure out what you like.

Then maybe on another outing or after you've picked one, take Mom, FMIL, sis, etc so they can see you.

Or what about you and FMIL together to go look for her dress?

Good luck!
xjulietx Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

I agree with Donna. Go with just your mom once and then invite your sister and FMIL to go with you and your mom another time. Whether or not your mom chooses an ugly dress or she tries to say anything about being the one who is paying, she is your mother and when you look back on the experience of dress shopping, it is a nice memory to have of you shopping with your mom.

36 years later, my mother regrets not finding a way to dress shop with my grandmother (mom was living in NY and grandma in OH)
Jordan Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

I'm a little more hardened to this type of stuff. I have a strained (at best) relationship with my mother...and at worst, I really dislike her. I actually went dress shopping with my stepmom and best friends (my sister lives out of state). I mentioned to my mother, going with her - just to 'be nice' - but she was more concerned with what *she* was going to wear that she never bothered coming. Even now, that my dress is in and I'm set to go see it this weekend with my sister, she chose not to come.

My advice to you...and do with it as you wish...is to take control of the situation and do what is best for you. I would just tell your mother what *you'd* like to do. Hopefully she will respect you enough to honor your wishes.

Good luck.
D&J Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

I went to look at dresses recently, over Thanksgiving actually.. and I thought about inviting my FMIL, but my mom was against it.

She felt the same way as your mom does.. ..she felt it was her special time w/ me. After I thought about it, I agreed w/ my mom, and figured if I found something (which I did) I know my mom wouldnt want my FMIL know how much it costs, plus it's a private moment, sometimes emotional, w/ your mom.. it makes it special for her.

For my fitting in April I'm going to have my FMIL and my BM's (if they want too) come as well so they can see the dress.


That's just my .02.. but good luck, I'm sure you'll do what is best!

AtticaQT Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

Honestly, its your wedding and if your mother cant respect your wishes then that is her fault and her problem and something that she has to get over. It sounds harsh but when it comes to parents that dont realize what you want and what makes you happy - then you need to be very straightforward with them. You do need to be more hardened to such situation - its hard - beleive me - i am in a 'special' situation when it comes to my mom - so i know how long it takes to get 'accustomed' to situations like this.

butterfly20 Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

i have to add.. that i am still living at home.. and my mom is very jealous that everyday i go to fh's house and dont see them much..

my mom is big on trying to give guilt trips, and will flat out say something is ugly that i know i like, and other people like too...

i am going to first go with one of my bridesmaids to try on dresses and limit them down.... so that when i go back ill only try on the dresses i like..
D&J Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

Posted by butterfly20

my mom is big on trying to give guilt trips, and will flat out say something is ugly that i know i like, and other people like too...




My mom is the same way!!.. I say black she says white.. we NEVER EVER agree on anything, ever since I was 13yrs old..
We have completely different tastes.. and I thought when I went to get my dress that it was going to be a living hell!!

I was EXTREMELY surprised when I tried on dresses that my mom and I agreed that some dresses looked bad and others looked really nice. You can tell right away. If you have an idea of what you like, that helps. But, remember it IS your day and you have to be comfortable and LOVE your dress.

My mom and I actually agreed on a dress that looked amazing on me, so it actually worked out for the best... I'm sure yours will too!

Never underestimate your mom, she may surprise you!! Mind Did!!


KarenB Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

Go shopping w/your Mom alone. Go shopping w/FMIL alone. Then go shopping either alone or w/friends if you still haven't found your dress. Once you have found it, take Mom w/you to see it and pay for it. Then make another appointment w/FMIL to show her your dress. This way everyone is happy!

I wound up finding my dress shopping several times w/different people. First my cousin the day after I got engaged. Then my MOH. Then w/a good friend. Then w/my Mom and a good friend and that is the day I found my dress. I took back FMIL and my sister so they could see the dress. They both were very happy and I have some great pictures from that day.

My advice to you is to make everyone feel special. Don't wait for a fitting to show fmil or anyone else you really want to see the dress.
Jen_n_Dale Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

Em- I know it must be hard. I went with just my mom but I am her only daughter. I can totally see where you are coming from. It sounds like you really have a great relationsip with your fmil. I would definitely go 2 times. One with your mom and one with your fmil. This way you can enjoy yourself both times without having the guilt that your mom might give you. And don't settle for just anything because it is your mom, it is your day, your dress.
Maribelle7777 Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

I think maybe it would be better if you didn't include your FMIL with your mom and sister dress shopping. Your mom may feel put out by that. If you really want someone supportive, ask a bridesmaid to come along.

Perhaps as an alternative, you can invite your FMIL to see the dress when it comes in and you can try it on then.

I just think that if your mom is the sort of woman that tries to get you to buy something else and uses 'I'm paying for it' to justify and you have your FMIL there supporting you, it will make things very tense.

JMO.

Mary
halloweenbride04 Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

Personally, I feel that dress shopping should be shared with your mom and sister. I went with mom, grandmother and best friend (MOH) who is like a sister to me since I don't have any. I hear you about wanting to include FMIL and it's a sweet and thoughtful gesture. Perhaps you can do a second trip with FMIL when you've narrowed your search down to a few or take her to do a private viewing of your dress. I don't think it's worth causing a possible fight with your mom. Just my opinion.

paulandles912 Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

I agree that you should keep it separate. I know my mom would have been heartbroken if I invited FMIL along because she felt it was such a special time for a mother and daughter.

I took my FMIL (who has no daughters) back to the store and I tried on the sample that I ended up ordering. It was a nice time, just the two of us....
raken40 Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

I went shopping the first time with just my mom, but when I went to try on dresses again and make my decision, I went with both my mom and FMIL..my FMIL was so touched that I asked her to come along and told me more than once how happy she was to be there. So I think you should do whatever you think is right. Maybe you can just explain to your mom that you want your FMIL to be there and that you think she'd really appreciate you asking!

butterfly20 Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

...since my sister is such good friends with my mom could i hint to my sister about it....

like ask my sister to come along... then bring up about how her fmil wanted to go...??
Nora101004 Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

I don't think your mom has a right to exclude anyone. Its not as if you are taking your FMIL and not your mom.

I found my dress with my mom, wasn't looking for it (we were looking for BM dress for my sis wed). FMIL wanted to see it, blah blah blah, she put the deposit down to hold in in case it got discontinued. My mom wasn't upset. A few months later when I went to order the dress, I asked my FMIL if she wanted to go with me, she said no because she already saw the dress. My FMIL only has sons too.

If you mom oposes that much. Maybe make two trips and don't order anything until your FMIL can see the dress
sammi102 Posted:

Re: how do i handle sensitive issue with dress shopping(mother-LONG)

My FMIL has a daughter, but I thought it would be awesome if she could come with me too. It was actually my mom's idea to invite her. Everyone has different relationships with their mom's and FMIL. I think you should just talk to your mom and see if that would be fine with her to invite and explain why you would like to have your FMIL there. But if you want everyone there, then go for it... you should feel comfortable with who is going for your first time out shopping!

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