how do I handle this?

weddingbunny Posted: Feb 25, 2006 12:14 PM

how do I handle this?

So, my FILs got some bad news a few days ago, and I'm not sure how I should handle it.

FH's aunt was diagnosed with cancer, and it's really bad, there is basically nothing they can do besides wait.

This aunt.... let's just say she's the dark horse of the family. A very dark horse. He doesn't like her, he doesn't like to talk about her, he didn't even want to invite her to the wedding.

But she is still his aunt, still his father's sister, and losing her is going to be really really really hard on his grandparents, who never wanted to see quite how messed up she was, which will make it hard on his father as well.

What do I do? How should I handle this? I think I should let my parents know, as they have a pretty good relationship with FH's parents and want to build a closer one, but I don't know if we should be sending our condolences or pretending it's not happening or what... if she was a less problematic family member I think we would definitely let them know how sorry we are to hear about it... but I don't know. Should we just wait and see what happens? Should we call them?

I've been very lucky with my family so far, I have only lost one grandparent and I was much younger, so I'm not really sure how to handle a sick family member to begin with, and this situation gets more complicated...

Thanks ladies.

MJDoc12 Posted: Feb 25, 2006 12:45 PM

Re: how do I handle this?

So sorry to hear this.

I think you can tell your parents, but make sure you let them know that this is a subject that has to be treaded on carefully. If she is the 'dark horse' maybe FH's parents won't be too happy discussing it at all.

The only thing you can do is try and be there for your FH. But I wouldn't push the issue too much just yet. Guys handle things like this so much differently than we do. When it comes to grief, they have to come to you. But just make sure you let your FH know that you are there to talk anytime he wants, and you can even let him know that no matter what she still is his aunt. But don't try and get him to reconcile immediately or anything, because he won't like you trying to do that. Just give him his emotional space with this, and he might just come around on his own.

I hope things work out!

weddingbunny Posted: Feb 25, 2006 12:53 PM

Re: how do I handle this?

Posted by MJDoc12

So sorry to hear this.

I think you can tell your parents, but make sure you let them know that this is a subject that has to be treaded on carefully. If she is the 'dark horse' maybe FH's parents won't be too happy discussing it at all.

The only thing you can do is try and be there for your FH. But I wouldn't push the issue too much just yet. Guys handle things like this so much differently than we do. When it comes to grief, they have to come to you. But just make sure you let your FH know that you are there to talk anytime he wants, and you can even let him know that no matter what she still is his aunt. But don't try and get him to reconcile immediately or anything, because he won't like you trying to do that. Just give him his emotional space with this, and he might just come around on his own.

I hope things work out!

Thank you

FH is... he's kind of okay about it. I think he's more upset about how this will affect the rest of his family than about her, which is understandable. He's kind of reluctant to speak about it, but then when he gets started he just kind of lets it all loose.

I guess we'll see how it all plays out.

Now, I must go get dressed... my FMIL will be here any minute to go to the wedding expo!

2Be1 Posted: Feb 25, 2006 01:47 PM

Re: how do I handle this?

I am so sorry to hear about this. IMO I do not think you should ignore it the power of lover and forgiveness during this time is really necessary. I am sure if you guys showed her the love and support during this time when she really needs it can give her a change of heart and may cause some self evaluation.

Nina Posted: Feb 25, 2006 06:09 PM

Re: how do I handle this?

Posted by 2Be1

I am so sorry to hear about this. IMO I do not think you should ignore it the power of lover and forgiveness during this time is really necessary. I am sure if you guys showed her the love and support during this time when she really needs it can give her a change of heart and may cause some self evaluation.

I couldn't agree more....No matter what people have don to us, or not done to us...there comes a time where we must put it behind us and swallow our pride.

I'm sorry to hear such news But don't worry about it too much, these things tend to work themselves out. I think its okay to tell your parents...and just treat the situation very delicately.

snowcat Posted: Feb 25, 2006 09:39 PM

Re: how do I handle this?

Sorry to hear about this...it must be really difficult for you and your FH. IMO you should let her know that you are prepared to help in any way you can, even if you don't know her all that well, it may make her feel better to know you care.

bride2b24 Posted: Feb 25, 2006 09:48 PM

Re: how do I handle this?

Posted by Nina

Posted by 2Be1

I am so sorry to hear about this. IMO I do not think you should ignore it the power of lover and forgiveness during this time is really necessary. I am sure if you guys showed her the love and support during this time when she really needs it can give her a change of heart and may cause some self evaluation.

I couldn't agree more....No matter what people have don to us, or not done to us...there comes a time where we must put it behind us and swallow our pride.

I'm sorry to hear such news But don't worry about it too much, these things tend to work themselves out. I think its okay to tell your parents...and just treat the situation very delicately.

i agree with everyone on this matter.....def let your parents know how the situation is......and like everyone said .......even though she is the so called dark horse of the family .....shes still family