how i'm feeling...kinda funny, but not really

ok.. i wish they had one of those pills..lol

sorry you;re feeling so down

i just went to croxleys. I ate by myself had 1 beer...and came home. FH is out fishing with his friends until 9 am. I've been trying to see if i could get anyone to come out with me. last night i tried to get people together for drinks...didn't happen. today i tried to get people to go to the beach with...nobody responded...so i went by myself. then i try to get people together tonight for drinks...again nobody responds, so i go out to croxleys by myself. I've been feeling depressed lately...and i keep trying to pull myself out of it reminding myself about the wedding and how wonderful things will be...but i still keep falling back into that depression. I feel like I can't talk to Joe about it ...or at least I can't tell him the full details of what goes across my mind and how i'm really feeling because when i was younger i was suicidal and i cut myself up once when we broke up many years ago and he always said he'd leave me if he ever found out i did anything like that or thought about that again. and i haven't done anything like that since...but I can't help the thoughts sometimes.

I was doing really good for a long time and it seems to have hit me like a ton of bricks suddenly. I feel like I have nobody that I can rely on except joe and even he may never really understand.

I'm pretty sure I am going to regret posting this but i really need to let it out before i go crazy

Oh no!!!! I wish I could say/do something to help but for now: I would talk to your FH. I know that he's worried about you but sometimes you need someone to talk to.

I've been where you are. Honestly I have. You aren't alone...FM if you need to chat.

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Posted by jeffamanda080808

I've been where you are. Honestly I have. You aren't alone...FM if you need to chat.

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thank you. the worst part of it all is that on top of the depression, I feel guilty because i feel like for someone who found someone as wonderful as joe I have no right to be depressed.

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Posted by Soon2beAlberti

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Posted by jeffamanda080808

I've been where you are. Honestly I have. You aren't alone...FM if you need to chat.

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thank you. the worst part of it all is that on top of the depression, I feel guilty because i feel like for someone who found someone as wonderful as joe I have no right to be depressed.

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I feel like you are telling me a story I already wrote. I think it just may be a pre-wedding thing some (NOT ALL) brides go through.

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Posted by Soon2beAlberti

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Posted by jeffamanda080808

I've been where you are. Honestly I have. You aren't alone...FM if you need to chat.

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thank you. the worst part of it all is that on top of the depression, I feel guilty because i feel like for someone who found someone as wonderful as joe I have no right to be depressed.

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Aw, don't feel guilty about it. Because you are depressed does not take away from how you feel about your FH, and how much you appreciate him. You've probably been overwhelmed by all of the wedding planning, right? And you've been feeling kind of lonely.

I understand his fear after what happened before, but you need to be able to talk to him and tell him your feelings...if you feel you need to. I feel bad that you feel afraid to let him know.

Did he want to go fishing alone or did he go with buddies? You should have gone with him, even if it's not really your thing...it would have been some alone time with him away from all of the wedding planning and other stress.

Don't feel bad about posting this...you obviously need someone to talk to.

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Posted by jeffamanda080808

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Posted by Soon2beAlberti

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Posted by jeffamanda080808

I've been where you are. Honestly I have. You aren't alone...FM if you need to chat.

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thank you. the worst part of it all is that on top of the depression, I feel guilty because i feel like for someone who found someone as wonderful as joe I have no right to be depressed.

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I feel like you are telling me a story I already wrote. I think it just may be a pre-wedding thing some (NOT ALL) brides go through.

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i really hope so.

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Posted by Gigi08

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Posted by Soon2beAlberti

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Posted by jeffamanda080808

I've been where you are. Honestly I have. You aren't alone...FM if you need to chat.

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thank you. the worst part of it all is that on top of the depression, I feel guilty because i feel like for someone who found someone as wonderful as joe I have no right to be depressed.

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Aw, don't feel guilty about it. Because you are depressed does not take away from how you feel about your FH, and how much you appreciate him. You've probably been overwhelmed by all of the wedding planning, right? And you've been feeling kind of lonely.

I understand his fear after what happened before, but you need to be able to talk to him and tell him your feelings...if you feel you need to. I feel bad that you feel afraid to let him know.

Did he want to go fishing alone or did he go with buddies? You should have gone with him, even if it's not really your thing...it would have been some alone time with him away from all of the wedding planning and other stress.

Don't feel bad about posting this...you obviously need someone to talk to.

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he went with his buddies. his friend asked me to go but they are sleeping on the boat overnight and i have work in the am. i decided to delete that part...too morbid to have that floating around the internet...god forbid somebody in FH's family searches their last name.

QUOTE]

he went with his buddies. his friend asked me to go but they are sleeping on the boat overnight and i have work in the am. sometimes the thoughts that go through my head scare the crap out of me. It's not like this all the time but when it comes...boy does it come. I feel like if I had the opportunity to tell somebody what crosses my mind even if its just for a split second...they'd lock me up in a padded cell. for instance...i was driving home and i started to cry...and i started to think maybe i'm always going to struggle with this depression...and maybe it's best i don't put Joe through that...and then i envisioned myself speeding up and slamming my car into a tree...just for a split second. and then i really started to cry because i realized that that suicidal instinct...no matter how hard i fight it...just might always be there. I obviously rationalized it in my head and decided it was a stupid and selfish thing to even think of doing...but just to think of that at all is like...woaaaaah

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Oh all right, I understand. I'm sorry none of your friends were around for you. Not to get too personal, but are you close to your time of the month? Because I think that can really add to you being very emotional especially if other things are bothering you. That along with your work schedule, stress at work, the wedding planning can just be too much. From what you say happened years ago, I'm guessing you may have talked to someone (a professional)? Maybe you can try that again if you're feeling overwhelmed? It is completely understandable that you may be overwhelmed...I remember you posting about isses at work. If not, is there someone else that you can talk to? I know you're feeling down and lonely, but sometimes alone time can be nice especially if you're always on the run. Do something for yourself to destress. I understand your concern too if this is something you will always struggle with. That may be...some people are prone to it. Try to take a step back from the planning and do something for 'you'...you know what I mean? Treat yourself to something that makes you happy.

i gotta tell you...i so appreciate u taking the time to really give advice.

I am having problems at work. basically theyve made it clear they don't want me there so i've been trying to find another job...and while both prospects tell me they are VERRRRRRRY interested...nothing yet. I've got a mortgage, the wedding which we are paying for. so i know i deff have alot on my plate right now.

I tried to commit suicide quite a few times when i was younger. Came really close twice. I had to meet with a therapist but all he did was repeat back to me exactly what i had said. 'so what ur saying is you feel depressed' uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh YEAAAAAAAAAH. LOL. instead of me gaining from therapy i sat there and analyzed him. I got fed up and begged my dad not to make me go back so I never went back.

I'm generally a very strong person...very smart...very in touch with my emotions. I think that maybe the reason why I tend to go back to the topic of suicide is because when i was younger my mom would lock herself up in the bathroom and cry and we'd hear her saying 'i want to die, i want to die'. the reason why i think this is what triggered my suicidal tendencies is because i was about 7 years old and i was upset with my mom and i wrote a note saying i wanted to die and i was going to suffocate myself with my pillow. (I was only 7 I didn't realize that holding the pillow over my own head wouldn't work...its kind of funny in a morbid way) not many 7 year olds talk about killing themselves which is why i think my habits were picked up.

see...thats why i don't go to therapy...i analyze everything so much i'd just give the therapist all the answers...but yet i still can't help myself.