How would you approach this- inappropriate BM

So now that I've had a few days to absorb it, I'm really upset at the behavior of one of my BMs saturday night at my bparty, my 'problem BM', naturally.

I knew she was a heavy drinker from stories I've heard from college, but have never seen her in action. We had stuff in the car, and at the restaurant and at the prom, but she also had a flask of jack on her She was drinking a LOT, but was relatively fine the entire night. It was once she STOPPED drinking that it all seemed to hit her.

We were having a really good time for most of the night, but once we left and were back in the limo to come home she started getting really out of line. Really loud and really random and annoying, which would have been fine if that was the extent of it, but then she started getting really belligerent and saying really inappropriate things. I blew my nose, and FBIL's gf asked me if I was crying. I said I wasn't, I just had a runny nose, and my BM thought it was acceptable to shout out to her 'yeah, she's crying because she hates you and you're uninvited to the wedding!'. WOW. She kind of just rolled her eyes at her and was like ok, that was random...but now I'm really worried that she might think that I told my BM that in confidence and the truth slipped out when she was drunk. Which is not the case at all, and moreoever, I don't think I've ever even mentioned the girl to my BM, why would I, they don't even know each other.

If that wasn't bad enough. after we dropped off 3 of the girls, it was just me, my younger sis, her, and my other friend/BM, the one that doesn't get along with her. We were talking about a girl we used to know in HS, who had met a guy in 10th grade, dated him all through HS and college, and just got married this past September. Problem BM apparently had an issue with the fact that they had been going together so long without getting married, because it's 'stupid' to be with someone that long if you're not getting married. I was like really, did you want them to get married when they were 18?? They'd been together since 15/16, clearly they weren't going to get married after your 2 year window of acceptability to be dating someone before getting married So she's like well that's what my mother thinks...so I say then I can imagine what your mother thinks of me. She says 'she thinks you're really strange for not living with FH in this day and age, but that it's refreshing and the way that it SHOULD be.' So I knew it was going to hit the fan now because my friend has been with her BF for over 5 years, lives together, has no plans at all to marry him...etc. So I'm like well as long as I pass your mother's test of etiquette, I guess everything is right in the world My friend starts telling problem BM to shut up and that she's making her really uncomfortable. 'Why? All I'm saying is that they're not going to buy the cow if they're getting the milk for free.' 'Please stop talking about this'. 'But why? All I'm saying is that it's stupid to be with someone so long if you're not going to marry them.' 'Will you please stop talking, you're making me really uncomfortable.' 'But why? All I'm saying is that only wh0res...'

'WHY????? BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WITH MY LIVE-IN BF FOR 5 YEARS AND WE'RE NEVER GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!'



And pretty much thus endeth the evening. They didn't speak the entire rest of the ride, and once we got back to the house and had to clean up the car, she proceeded to drop a completely full cups contents all over herself, the limo, and in to my friend's bag, almost destroying her camera and phone.

I know this was really long, but I don't know what to do or how to handle this. The entire night when we told her to knock it off, her answer was 'Oh this is nothing, you should have seen me in college.' So, effectively, she thought she was doing NOTHING wrong. So if I talk to her about it, if she even remembers what she did and doesn't try to deny it, that's how she'll rationalize it. My friend is really upset and offended, because, well, she was called a wh0re. FH is FURIOUS, and for real wants to kick her out of the wedding party. He's obviously upset about what she said to my friend, but he's more upset about what she said to FBIL's gf, and said that she probably caused a deeply rooted problem for the rest of our lives because of what she said. He wants her to call her up and apologize herself, or else he wants her out of the wedding. And I'm not exaggerating. He's absolutely furious. He went on a FB posting bashing rant on everyones pages about her, but I made him delete all his comments because I said I can't possibly discuss it with her rationally if he starts it off hostile.

The best part is she left me a comment like so much fun! She really has no clue what she did. And that is not an acceptable excuse or a crutch.

Everyone is telling me 'I told you so', that stuff like this would happen if she's involved. My friend she offended said that unless we want to pay her 400 bucks for the dress, we can't throw her out. And that I probably can't even bring it up to FBIL's gf, oh, btw, I don't hate you....

So how do I handle this? Ignore it? Bring it up to FBIL's gf and apologize on her behalf? Make my BM call both of the offended parties up herself and apologize?

Oh dear.

I would have a conversation with the BM, tell her nicely that you think she may have offended said people....and that you think at the very least they are due an apology.

There is no other way to deal with this...

Sounds to me like she was being pretty damn obnoxious the night of your bparty-which she shouldnt have been.

I say call your FSIL just to smooth things over. But Im sure she knew your other BM was drunk as a skunk and was talking out of her a$$.

I would text her and tell her that she was acting like a jackass. Really, she's only embarrassing herself acting like that.

Also, designate someone to cut her off after a few drinks at your wedding. She was drunk and running her mouth at your b-party. Last thing you need is her to act like that on your wedding day.

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Posted by DonnaPWhite1124

Also, designate someone to cut her off after a few drinks at your wedding. She was drunk and running her mouth at your b-party. Last thing you need is her to act like that on your wedding day.

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We already discussed that we were going to point her out to the bartender, or show him a picture, etc. that she should not be served, or if she is, that her drinks be completely watered down if anything is put in them at all. It's really disgusting that I have to worry about babysitting her at my wedding, or having one of my guests have to worry about her too. She 'claims' she's not drinking at the wedding because she'll eventually need to drive home, but I can't say I trust that now.

this is a tough one. I think she is going to be a problem at the wedding no matter what and it's a tough situation. I would hate to see your day ruined because of her. Even if she apologizes, she's going to have a big drunk mouth at the wedding and it would be bad if she was a guest but worse since she's a bridesmaid. I would consider uninviting her and I don't think that you would necessarily have to pay for her dress if it is something you can't afford to do. It's just a bad situation, Ali, I'm sorry. I also don't think you can count on the bartender making her drinks watered down or cutting her off for that matter.

I say you confrunt her in a dignified, but specific way.

There is no need to trash her, be rude to her or be mean.

Tell her how it REALLY is. That she might have been joking and you were offended. She says thigs that are innapropriate. She offended your friend because she called her a wh0re. Getting drunk is not an excuse. But the real problem is that she acts like this all the time. You dont want to end your friendship but you also cant excpet this kind of behavior anymore.

I think there is a dignified classy way yo speak with her without the convo going 'below the belt'. But you need to be honest with her before the wedding.

Tell her what you expect. That you want her to appologise and she needs to start thinking about what she says before she says it. That you are at a point where her behavior has made you think abouut asking her not to be in the wedding party. Its not a threat but fact. She cant call your friends wh0res.

So let her know its unacceptable. I saycall her out on her BS, but in a classy dignified way.