How would you feel? (kinda long)

Anniegrl Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:03 PM

How would you feel? (kinda long)

If your FH/DH told you that he isn't physically attracted to you ever since you put on a few pounds?

One of my good friends is going through this with her FH. They hadn't been intimate in 3 weeks so she confronted him. At first he didn't want to say what was wrong, but then he confessed that it's because she put on some weight and he wants her to lose it.
Now, this isn't the first time he's told her this. She's never been thin (except for maybe once one summer when she exercised like a madwoman) but she is by no means overweight. He's just a shallow jerk and everyone knows it. Even my friend knows it but she still thinks that he's 'the one'. They've been together for 5 and a half years and engaged for 7 months. She wants to break up with him because she's tired of feeling like she's not good enough for him. My FH doesn't think she should. He says that just because this guy isn't attracted to her right now doesn't mean that he doesn't love her, and since she asked the question, he was just giving her an honest answer.

So, how would you feel if this happened to you? Would it be acceptable to you that your FH/DH wasn't physically attracted to you, but still loved you? And just to give you a little background on this couple, they've had a very tumultuous relationship. When she and I were roomates, she broke up with him like 12 times in 3 years! He always comes crawling back to her and promises her that he'll be better, and she always caves...

xjulietx Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:05 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

I would be hurt that a few pounds could determine whether or not my FH would want to be intimate with me. He's sounds controlling. I would want to get out of that relationship and find someone who really cares about me.

Scoop Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:06 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

I don't think a few pounds should make a difference...there must be other issues too.

xjulietx Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:07 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

I had a friend who dated a guy who scared her into bulimia and starved her whenever they went out to dinner. He would order a meal for himself and a diet Coke for her. Years later, she is still recovering from this twisted relationship.

acp1101 Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:09 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

That is TERRIBLE!! Your friend must feel horrible. I would.

I hate to say it...but it sounds like there is another issue there. Why all of a sudden it bothers him SOOOO much.

prncssrachel Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:11 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

I don't know, they put those words for better or worse in the vows for a reason. I can't even imagine someone I love saying that to me. I don't care if I asked, I can't even imagine them thinking it.

butterfly20 Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:13 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

i dont think i could deal with it, it sounds like too rocky of a relationship, id be scared everytime i gained 1 single pound.... and your suppose to marry people cause you love them the way they are, even if they gain some weight

eroxgirl Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:14 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

If that were me, I'd break up with him. I feel that a marriage should be based on way more than appearances - the attraction shouldn't end there - what happens after they have kids? Lots of women gain weight and never lose it!

and just because he was being 'honest' about his feelings is no reason NOT to break up with him. IMO, its a good reason to!

februarybride Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:16 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

that would really bother me. I think it's very shallow on his part to think that way. It would have to be a significant amount for me to feel like that was justified.

Anniegrl Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:17 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

cat, this is not the first time he's said this to her.
One time they were going to go on vacation and it was to a place where there were beaches. He told her that he didn't want to be seen with her in a bikini. He then bribed her to lose weight by saying that he'd pay for her part of the vacation! Can you believe that! Now, not only is this not the first time that he's bribed her with money to lose weight, but the guy is LOADED so why the heck he even makes her pay for the vacation is beyond me. They also just moved in together and he's charging her $1000 a month rent! She doesn't mind either!

I think it's sad that he treats her this way and she puts up with it. She deserves so much better.

prncssrachel Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:20 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

Unfortunately, old patterns are hard to break, especially when it comes to relationships. I'm sure your friend will make the right decision at some point and finally leave this mentally and emotionally abusive jerk.

mv1003 Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:24 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

Yes, touchy subject! You didn't make it sound as if she'd gained 20+ pounds, soooo, a little weight should not make a difference. I agree w/ the other girls, sounds like there's another issue underneath it all.
What I CAN tell you is- I told FH about 9 months ago, 'we can join a gym together'. He was gaining a lot of weight. It didn't mean I didn't love him, but I did want him to be a little bit more healthier. Well, healthier indeed, he's lost 55lbs and thanks me every day (actually, I think he's too skinny now) He says he feels better than he has in years, has more energy and really wants to keep it off (I wish I had one once of his dedication!)

Jeanene Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:27 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

WOW - this guy is so controlling!

If it were me I would have serious doubts about the relationship. I, personally, want someone who loves me unconditionally.

That being said - what really bothers me is the way he tries to bribe her to lose weight, the comments he makes about not wanting to be seen with her - this, to me, is abusive.

Most importantly, how does this make your friend feel?

Anniegrl Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:31 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

mv1003 - the way you handled it is how a loving, sensitive person handles this type of situation. My friend's FH is always at the gym, and you think he'd say, 'hey baby, why don't you come work out with me?'

It just really annoyed me that my FH thinks that it's ok for someone to not be physically attracted to their mate and to actually TELL them! I think it's so hurtful!

Oh, the stories I could tell about this guy and all the stupid things he's done to my friend. I've told her many times to go to counseling, either with him or on her own or both. She keeps promising that she will, but she hasn't yet

mlp924 Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:32 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

She should kick him to the curb! If he loves her, he will want to be intimate with her at any weight. IF he wants her to lose weight for herself so she can be healthier then that is fine but otherwise he is nasty!

Valenia Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:33 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

If it was me, I would run. Fast. Whats going to happen when she is pregnant? Or how about after, when her body type could change? Forgetting the weight issue, the money crap is frightening too. This does not sound like a good marriage to me.

Misty Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:33 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

I'm not going to overanalyze this. I was in a relationship just like it. He's a demeaning controlling ******* that is in this for the wrong reasons.

This guy is a P R I C K and she should dump his sorry ass RIGHT NOW.

Anniegrl Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:35 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

Thank you!!!! I should make her read this!!

dkga1026 Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:37 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

Love or not, this relationship sounds like too much pressure to be any fun.

First it's the weight, then she'll have to watch that her hair is always done and her nails must manicured, her makeup on perfectly, her clothes just right. Guys like this have deep security issues, I've seen others go through it. I'd dump him.

Valenia Posted: Jul 25, 2003 02:39 PM

Re: How would you feel? (kinda long)

Or how about when she turns 40? While she can possibly control her weight, she can't control her age. What then? Uck. She needs to get out and get with someone who loves her.