How would you feel? VERY LONG...

So, I have this really horrible ex-boyfriend from high school who I basically cut all ties with when I broke up with him. He was emotionally and physically abusive, extremely controlling, insecure, and possessive, and he tried to turn me into someone I was not - always belittling me and comparing me to everyone else.... Oh yeah, he was also a liar and cheated on me twice that I knew of.... The whole relationship was a big mess and I was really stupid to stay with him as long as I did (on and off 2 years during high school and my freshman year of college) My family and all of my friends hated him and pratically jumped for joy the day I broke up with him for good. That was over eight years ago and I've only seen him once since then - when I was working at the mall during college. It's a really painful part of my past that my family and friends are good enough to not remind me of - except for my mother........ For some reason every once in a while she finds the stupidest thing to bring up about him, just completely out of the blue! Whenever she does it I always tell her the same thing - that it hurts me to think of that time and I don't understand whey she feels the need to 'remind' me of him. She just shrugs it off like it's not a big deal and does it over and over again.

So there's the back story. I'm rattled now bc she recently had a 15 minute conversation with me about how our old neighbor ran into him at a local resturant - where he proceeded to bare his soul to her about how he's been married and divorced already, but is now engaged again and running his own business, and asked about me and what I was doing, etc. I felt sick to my stomach when she told me all of this and AGAIN I asked her why she felt the need to constantly bring this waste of flesh back into my life. She just doesnt understand no matter how many times I tell her that I DON'T CARE!!!!! He did so much damage to me that I'm just NOW starting to get over, and she goes and tells me all of this? WHY?!?!?! I'm so exasperated bc I know she hated him and now it's like she can't get enough talk about him!! I hate even gracing his memory with the fact that I'm talking about him, but I'm just so annoyed and really need to vent. Why does she keep doing this when I know she loves Craig and she's very aware of all I went through with my ex?? I don't know why she continues to bring him up, knowing that it bothers me.... Am I wrong to be angry with my mom about this?? I just don't know what to tell her anymore and I'm really pissed off that he thinks he has this new link to my life now..... I feel like throwing up just thinking about it. I almost feel like now that my life is so wonderful, that my mom wants me to be miserable again, like I used to be wehn I was with him! t sounds nuts, but I don't know what to think anymore. what would you do?
TIA for listening - this whole thing just really bothers me and it's nice to know I have support here!

How is your relationship with her otherwise?

Maybe she is trying to connect with you?


I went through some VERY rough times in college - all things I would rather not relive or talk about ever - especially if I am not the one bringing it up. But every now and then one of my parents will mention it 'jokingly' and not understand why I get so upset.

They just think I'm over it already and can move on and don't understand that it's still something that is very painful to me. They don't understand that everyone 'heals' at different rates.


Maybe you can tell her in no uncertain terms that you no longer want to hear anything about him again ever and if she brings it up again you will have to end the conversation all together.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

thanks for the hugs
It's wierd, because normally my mom and I are very close and very rarely fight. To be honest, she's more like a close friend than my mom, so I don't get why she's so insistent on these little updates when I've clearly expressed my feelings about it numerous times. I actually did end that conversation very quickly, I just don't get why she still brings it up, knowing that it makes me feel liek crap thinking about that time.... Ugh, maybe I just need to sit down with her once and for all and just tell her - like you said. I'm just at the end of my rope!

OMG!! Sorry but I would be totally p*ssed!!! This guy was PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE and your mom wants to give you little updates on his life????? She should want to tie him to a chair and pour boiling oil on him for how he treated her daughter!!!

I would be mad too...just thought you could use some

wow, sounds like one of my exes. My mom used to bring him up on occasion and I would cringe just hearing his name. I think sometimes she did it to check if I was still bothered by it or if I was over it. The last time she brought him up I decided to act like it was no big deal and have a normal conversation about him with her and you know what? It worked. She hasn't mentioned him since. I think our mothers try to indirectly test us sometimes. I'm not saying the same thing will happen if you try what I did, but it may be worth a shot. I know it's hard

im sorry!!!

i hate hearing about exs also...

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Posted by Butterflybride

wow, sounds like one of my exes. My mom used to bring him up on occasion and I would cringe just hearing his name. I think sometimes she did it to check if I was still bothered by it or if I was over it. The last time she brought him up I decided to act like it was no big deal and have a normal conversation about him with her and you know what? It worked. She hasn't mentioned him since. I think our mothers try to indirectly test us sometimes. I'm not saying the same thing will happen if you try what I did, but it may be worth a shot. I know it's hard

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ditto, and even worse my mom would do it in front of FH! Luckily my FH understands that my mom just says crazy and totally inappropriate things at times. She's getting older as he says so we excuse alot of it.

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Posted by Butterflybride

wow, sounds like one of my exes. My mom used to bring him up on occasion and I would cringe just hearing his name. I think sometimes she did it to check if I was still bothered by it or if I was over it. The last time she brought him up I decided to act like it was no big deal and have a normal conversation about him with her and you know what? It worked. She hasn't mentioned him since. I think our mothers try to indirectly test us sometimes. I'm not saying the same thing will happen if you try what I did, but it may be worth a shot. I know it's hard

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I agree, I think she may be testing you to see if you're over him for sure. I was going to suggest just walking away or hanging up the phone the next time she does it, but maybe it is better if you just sit through it once, try not to react and see what happens...

I'm sorry you've been through all of that But it's really good to hear you have such a wonderful relationship with your mom.

Sounds like one of my exes too. You have my hugs.

I had a friend who did something similar to me, except she actually provided him with the link to my life. Needless to say, she's out of my life now.

But obviously this is your mother, and you're otherwise very close, so I'd advise against that. All I can say is that every time she starts to bring him up, change the subject or walk away or do something to make her stop. Hopefully she'll get the message. I mean, if flat out telling her isn't working, then you'll just have to use behavioral psychology.

Or reverse? Like next time she brings it up, say 'Wow, from what you say he sounds like he's grown and changed. Maybe I can forgive him for all that crap he put me through. To Forgive is divine, right? Maybe I'll leave Craig for him!!!!' LOL, imagine the look on her face!!!!!!

thanks everyone!!! You are all so wonderful and really brought up some things that I wasn't even thinking of! Maybe she is testing me, she IS kind of crazy, so who knows! I think more than anything , it just throws me off when she plucks these little tidbits out of thin air. There was a time when I was just flat out SCARED of this POS, and even now after all this time, his name just brings a little bit of that fear back into my life - just remembering how it was.... Ugh - I guss I'm just thankful that she doesn't do it ALL the time - then I might have to take your advice PrincessRose and tell her that I am going to leave Craig now that I know so much about my loser ex's life!

But, like I said in a previous post, there was a lot I kept from my mom during this time, unfortunately the physical abuse part was one of those things. My stepdad is a CRAZY ex-Marine, and if he ever knew that a hand was laid on me - this kid would be dead right now - and I'm not just using that phrase for the hell of it either... I'm partly to blame since my mom just has no idea how bad it was, so the more I think about it, then more I feel that she's just mentioning it to let me know, not to be malicious or hurt me. Ugh - why can't all exs just be sent to another planet or something?! Thank you again ladies - I really do love that we can all support each other here, and I think you are all such loving and kind people :)

I'm sorry

If that was my my mom I would say, 'Mom, I will walk away if you continue speaking about him'.

In what manner was she talking about him? Was it like....'Wow, he has a great life' or was it more like 'he is a loser'

I only ask because maybe your mother wants to shed some light on how his life is a big mess and that she is happy that you didn't follow that path with him.

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Posted by juju

In what manner was she talking about him? Was it like....'Wow, he has a great life' or was it more like 'he is a loser'

I only ask because maybe your mother wants to shed some light on how his life is a big mess and that she is happy that you didn't follow that path with him.

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This is kind of what I was thinking too as I read your post. I also wondered if maybe this is her bizarre way of 'testing' you to see if you really are ready to get married. Try not to let it bother you - just be glad you got rid of that loser!

juju - that's a really good point! My mom always used to tell me when we were going out that he was never going to amount to anything and that he was loser who wasn't going anywhere in life. Now that I think of it - she's probably just telling me about him now to reinforce the fact that she was right all along! Maybe I just need to agree with her and say 'Yes Mom, you were right about him all along, now can we not talk about it anymore?' That might work too - if he's just doing this as a subtle 'I told you so' then acknowledging it might end it once and for all!
that seemed so obvious - now why couldn't I think of that? Thank you all!

Just say what you said to us, to your mom:

'I almost feel like now that my life is so wonderful, that my mom wants me to be miserable again, like I used to be when I was with him!'

If after that, she STILL doesn't get the point, then it's a lost cause.

Many hugs for you

I don't understand why she woudl do that//I don't know what to say