HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Original post by LVBRIDE

Feb 09, 2011 09:55 PM

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG! Ok soooo my parents are amazing and I am lucky enough that they offered to pay for my wedding. They also hosted an enormous engagement party at a catering hall for us...which they also paid for. They literally are paying for every single cent of this wedding and all the events surrounding it. So naturally when thinking about invitation wording I wanted to do 'Mr. and Mrs. ___ __ invite you .......' I wanted to include my mother in law ( his dad is not in the picture) after my FH's name 'son of Ms.____'. Well when my FH told her this she had a HUGE HUGE FIT. She got into a HUGE fight with him and said that she should be listed on the invite along with my parents, and that it is rude and disrespectful not to put her on, how could he do such a thing, and that he is basically disregarding and mixing his family with garbage, if she's not on, and what will people think....and that is just a small party of it. He tried to explain that it is a black tie wedding and this is just invitation etiquette and no one is putting her down but she won't budge. SHE SAID IF SHE IS NOT ON IT WHEN SHE GET IT IN THE MAIL SHE IS NOT COMING TO THE WEDDING AND NEITHER IS ANYONE ON HIS SIDE. (back story is she LOVES to showoff and likes to brag to people, so the only reason she wants to be on it is so that she can walk around the wedding and brag to her friends....she made us tell her prices of everything (including my dress) because I am sure she is telling people and trying to show off to her side how much things cost). I am guessing she is telling people she is contributing but I will never know. Further her reason for wanting to be on it is that she is giving us a big gift (don't know what) and that my parents are keeping all the gifts from the wedding (we do money at weddings), which is true my parents are, but that is because they are giving us our house! She finally agreed to not having anyones name on the invitation and just having it read 'The honor of your presence is requested at...' My parents said they don't care if they are listed as hosts because they are not doing the wedding to get credit but I think it is soooo unfair because they are doing soo much for us. I am just sooooo mad! If she wasn't acting like this I probably would have just listed her with my parents but now I just dont want to out of principal. PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS

jenhef Posted: Feb 10, 2011 10:24 AM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

wow that sucks!

First mistake was even showing FMIL the invite at all... I am not because I don't want to hear the same thing lol..

My mom is fronting the majority of the wedding and I want her to get her well deserved credit at the top of the invite...So there is no discussion.. if FMIL wants her name at the top she would have to pay for a good portion of the wedding.. not only that.. it is customary for brides parents names to go on top..

Why dont you show her other sample invites.. too prove that thats how it is done!

I would also stop sharing how much things are costing because it is none of her business if she isn't paying...thats a f*ed up situation. Good luck!

stinenandy2010 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 11:35 AM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Posted by VCanizalez

Posted by stinenandy2010

We had the same exact situation. In the end, we just put my parents name on the invites. My in-laws did not contribute and therefore we did not think it was approriate. My parents said they would have been offended if we put both names on the invites and I can understand their side.

In the end my MIL did not show up to the wedding, along with her other stupid reasons. Do what you want and what is approriate. This is your wedding and sometimes you just have to do what makes you happy. If someone doesn't show up because of an invite then that's their loss.

ITA^

Wow chica i cant believe she didnt show up...
But YOU STILL HAD A GREAT TIME

Absolutely, we had the best night of our lives. And that is what all brides to be should realize. Don't let anyone stand in the way of your happiness. I know that wedding planning can be stressful but after your wedding you will realize that all the stressing was so stupid and your married to a wonderful man. Just do what makes you happy.

HSsweethearts Posted: Feb 10, 2011 11:49 AM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

UGh. How obnoxious.

We're paying for 85% of the wedding ourselves, but FH's mom is giving us some money and my sister and BIL are paying for my flowers, so we did 'together with their families'

Hmm.. well invitation etiquette DOES dictate that the bride's family comes first. Even though my mom is not paying I could ave been totally justified in putitng Mrs. Joan Smith requests the honor of your presence.

Also, 'Son of Mr. and Mrs. Jones' actually does indicate to some that they are paying since you don't need to include the groom's parents at all.

If it won't cost you too much extra (I think for my invite lady it would only be a matter of like $10 or something) I'd do the 2 invites thing. Why not?

Just make her happy. You have a LONG life to live with this woman.

MrsBlueRibbon Posted: Feb 10, 2011 11:52 AM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Wow! This is so reminscent of what happened with my invites....I don't really post on here anymore, but Long story short, i didn't end up getting married.

My family paid 100% for the wedding. My invites read
Mrs. C requests the precense blah blah marriage of J to A, son of Mr. & Mrs. P

EX-FMIL did not like that at all, but I didn't budge, actually she never saw the invites until they were sent out.

good Luck to you, sounds like you are going to need it with her!

wearefamily608 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 12:15 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

I think she's a POS for threatening her attendance and other family members. What you propose is PROPER etiquette which obviously she has none. I agree your parents do deserve to be recognized. You have to pick and choose your battles. What if you did

Together with their parents, .........

then at the wedding give YOUR parents a special dance together and a toast to publicly acknowledge your appreciation for them. Far from idea but it would probably keep the peace.

LVBRIDE Posted: Feb 10, 2011 12:27 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

OMG SHE REALLY DIDN'T COME!?!? Are you guys on speaking terms now? Was it really strange at the wedding? I should have never even brought it up and should have just ordered the invites and been like oh well to late sorry...this is what i get for trying to include her in the process. After reading all the messages it makes not want to put her on even more! I am just so frustrated. She is coming to visit in March so that me and my mom can take her dress shopping maybe I'll have my mom give her a piece of her mind.

Jsquared Posted: Feb 10, 2011 12:28 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

This is simple.

Tell her to scratch your a$$.
She is lucky you are putting her name at all ! !
Is she joking?

Even though your parents sound like they do not care and are doing this from the heart, they deserve to be named the hosts of this event. And that being said, they deserve to be the ones inviting the guests.

I understand that it is a terrible situation to be in, but i would definetly try to prove her wrong. Print out as many things as you can find where it says that this is proper etiquette.

VCanizalez Posted: Feb 10, 2011 12:34 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Posted by LVBRIDE

OMG SHE REALLY DIDN'T COME!?!? Are you guys on speaking terms now? Was it really strange at the wedding? I should have never even brought it up and should have just ordered the invites and been like oh well to late sorry...this is what i get for trying to include her in the process. After reading all the messages it makes not want to put her on even more! I am just so frustrated. She is coming to visit in March so that me and my mom can take her dress shopping maybe I'll have my mom give her a piece of her mind.

Im sorry chic....
im still being a 'bitcch' and say DONT INCLUDE HER...
IF YOUR PARETNS ARE GIVING EVERYTGHIGN WHY is SHE ACTING LIKE THAT?
Plus WAT KIND OF BS IS THAT? 'IF my names not there i will NOT come to the wedding?' THAT IS COMPLETELY BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KristynLeigh Posted: Feb 10, 2011 12:36 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

How upset would FH be if she didn't come because if I was you I wouldn't want her there anyway after that! I say do the invitations the way you want them!

stinenandy2010 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 12:52 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Posted by LVBRIDE

OMG SHE REALLY DIDN'T COME!?!? Are you guys on speaking terms now? Was it really strange at the wedding? I should have never even brought it up and should have just ordered the invites and been like oh well to late sorry...this is what i get for trying to include her in the process. After reading all the messages it makes not want to put her on even more! I am just so frustrated. She is coming to visit in March so that me and my mom can take her dress shopping maybe I'll have my mom give her a piece of her mind.

We haven't spoken to her since the wedding. She has never been a wonderful woman to begin with, but you kind of put up with it since its DH's mom. However, this was the last straw for us. It was definitely a little akward at the wedding but we enjoyed ourselves. Sometimes we feel bad about how everything went down but then we remember all the terrible things she has done to us. Obviously, there is a laundry list of things that she has done to make us feel this way, but the important thing is not to let this bring down an incredibly happy time in your life.

Good luck!

michellelovesjohn Posted: Feb 10, 2011 01:01 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

i would not budge if i were you...if she is not contributing, her name doesn't even have to be on the invitation at all. i would put her name where you originally wanted or nothing at all..and i def do NOT agree with taking your parents' names off, they deserve to be honored. just my opinion

ETA: PS its HER loss if she misses her son's wedding cos she decided to be an idiot over invitation wording...thats all

Watermelon5 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 01:02 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Your FMIL is out of line completely. It is your wedding and if you are choosing to word your invites in a particular way then that is that. Me and FH are paying for a lot of the wedding ourselves but his parents did offer to help; my parents really aren't in a position to give much but my mother would NEVER threaten that she wouldn't attend if I were to have FH's parents on the top of the invite. That is classless right there! You should just make the invites the way that you intended and I highly doubt anyone else will follow her ridiculous self and not show. Or I love the idea of toasting your parents to show your appreciation! Good luck w/ everything!!!

CrazyLove11 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 01:43 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Seriously, this is sickening to me how crazy people get over the wedding! especially invites!

Our invites don't mention either sets of parents because when we first started designing them we had no idea we would receive help from the family (aside from the traditional MOB for shower and FMIL for engagement and rehearsal dinner) plus my dad is out of the picture and so is Fh's but his mom got remairried a couple years ago so the ettiquete and symantics was too much for us!. My mom recently stepped up and is now helping us with a sizeable portion of the expenses. In pains me not to have her name on the invite now (she really couldn't care less anyway) but I also would never want my FMIL to feel bad that her name wasn't on it even though I'm sure she'd understand - plus who knows if she'll hook us up with a sweet gift at a later date!?!?

IMO it's just better to leave off all names regardless of situation just to ensure peace and harmony. It's not worth the drama or the headache.

TeAmoChris Posted: Feb 10, 2011 03:00 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Okay - I'm going to play devils advocate here. I am a meeting/event planner and believe that the family hosting the party should be on the invite...BUT...and this is a big butTT

When it came to my e-party, my FILs hosted the party in their backyard over the summer. I put only their name and my mother was really really really REALLY hurt. She didnt say anything until it was too late.

I think you should ABSOLUTLY put both set of parent(s) names. It will look BAD BAD BAD and make her feel really bad. I do not think this has anything to do with bragging and if it does, she is the mother of your FH.....let her boast, she is Happy and Excited for this wedding!!

Bride in 2012 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 03:53 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

This is a perfect example of why I'm disregarding wedding etiquette and putting both sets of parents names on the invite. My parents are paying for practically everything and my FH's parents are only paying for their guests. It's not because they don't want to pay for anything else, it's simply because they can't afford to give as much as my parents are. I don't want any hard feelings nor do I want anyone to feel left out so I'm just including everyone.

JTG4EVER Posted: Feb 10, 2011 04:39 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

His mother is being unreasonable. My parents are paying for my wedding too. FHs parents are not paying for anything. So I am putting:

Mr. & Mrs.____ ____ request.....

...son of Mr. & Mrs. ____ _____

When I showed that to her she is fine. You said you wanted to do that early in your post. So she is on the invitation. I don't understand why she is so angry. You are including her name by doing that. She isn't paying, so she should be lucky that you are doing that bc you don't have to.

irisheyes23 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 04:54 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Posted by LVBRIDE

He tried to talk to his grandma (MIL's mom) but she did the same thing his mom did...his dad is not in the picture so can't talk to him about it...I am considering sending invites with no names to her guests and sending my guest's invites with my parents as hosts (she doesn't know any of my guests and would never know). My FH is totally on my side and agrees my parents should be on it because they are doing it all. He also is all for my little scheme of two different invites. I further could toast my parents at the wedding and thank them for throwing such a great event.

I would do what you mentioned above or I would send it out the way you want with FH's mom's name and call her bluff. She can control if she attends the wedding but I highly doubt she can control ALL of FH's relatives and whether they come or not.

toniann921 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 05:41 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Posted by LVBRIDE

He tried to talk to his grandma (MIL's mom) but she did the same thing his mom did...his dad is not in the picture so can't talk to him about it...I am considering sending invites with no names to her guests and sending my guest's invites with my parents as hosts (she doesn't know any of my guests and would never know). My FH is totally on my side and agrees my parents should be on it because they are doing it all. He also is all for my little scheme of two different invites. I further could toast my parents at the wedding and thank them for throwing such a great event.

I like the idea of toasting to your parents.

I can't believe she actually wouldn't come to her own sons wedding over something like this. unreal!!! Your poor FH!!

I think to keep the peace- you are definitely doing the right thing by just not putting either parents name on the invite.

Good Luck!

itbroi805 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 05:47 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

Posted by justnicethings

she is totally out of line, but the best idea is probably to just not include any names. just go with 'The honor of your presence is requested at...' and that's it. Better to keep it drama free. Good luck.

This or 'together with their parents'.

I agree that she is way out of line and what mother would say they are not going to their son's wedding for something as stupid as this. I have my own fh family drama as well and I just don't understand how family can treat each other like this.

nic2011 Posted: Feb 10, 2011 08:52 PM

Re: HUGE DILEMA AND FIGHT WITH FUTURE MIL OVER INVITATION WORDING.....HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!

if she keeps putting up a fight, i would just leave her name off completely.

you are already being the bigger person by including her name when she isn't paying a dime.

if she doesn't show up, well, that is just nasty. i wish i could tell her to grow up and act her age instead of a spoiled brat. the day is about you and your FH, not about her.

you can't please everyone. and if i were your parents, i would be offended if she was added a co-host on the top of the invite or as 'together with their parents'. i think you should think about your parents' feelings as well. perhaps they are being the bigger people and saying it's okay, but really, honestly it's not. if they say it's okay it's because you have a classy set of 'rents (then do more than a speech for them....give them a gift - something super extravagant lol)