Huge Dilemma...

I have decided recently that I don't want this freaking wedding anymore!! I don't want to spend another dime on it, I dont want to wear my dress that I don't even know if I like anymore, I don't want to do anything even semi wedding related!

but my dilemma is much larder than that...

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling very nervous.. I keep questioning if I am making a mistake, I keep thinking to myself how much I love FH.. but is he really 'the one'..Should I feel more than what I feel for him? Alot of this has to do with the fact that I changed alot in my life over the past 2 years and have watched everything basically turn to sh*t. I miss my old life, my old friends, my old job, my old apartment...I would turn back time if I could, even if it meant not marrying FH... Thinking of that hurts me, but actually admitting it to someone else hurts even more... I really really love FH but I feel so stuck and miserable in my current life. I know we will have a wonderful future together, but I just cant get over this hump right now.. so I feel like I might say or do something I will regret. How did I get here!?! Can this be a case of really cold, FROZEN feet? or should I maybe just run away like I day dream about doing....

I told him the other day that I just don't want this wedding anymore.. I want the marriage and I want us to be happy but I dont want to go through with all of this.. and all I got were blank stares. I guess I cant expect him to understand my craziness... one minute im on cloud 9 buying everything and anything wedding related and the next thing I am practically calling it off.

I woke up this morning with the same feeling everymorning and decided today is the day I figure this out...

ok im done venting.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

oh im sorry... why cant you still do the same things that you were doing preFH?

Re: Huge Dilemma...

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I won't pretend I have any words of wisdom for you, since this is something you and you alone can decide. Just wanted you to know that we are all here for you to listen and to give advice when warranted.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

First of all, I am so sorry you are feeling this way...I think a lot of brides go through this type of thought process at some point in the wedding planning process. For some it might just be cold feet but for others, it might be more.. I really wish I could be of more help but I think the only person who will know the answer to that is you.. I just wanted to let you know I am here for you if you need someone to talk to!

Re: Huge Dilemma...

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Posted by littlepixie12

oh im sorry... why cant you still do the same things that you were doing preFH?

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To make a really long story short basically he didn't want to live in the city so we got a place in suffolk (long story behind that) the furthest possible place from my job and friends. I ended up getting a new job because the commute was killing me.. I hate this job more than anything and I have tried to go back to my old job but the economy is keeping me from that. I can still do the same things, I just live so far from my friends and miss the life I had made for myself. I know I had a choice but I very often find myself resenting FH for it.. when its not even his fault! I compromised alot and now I feel like being selfish and not compromising.

if that makes any sense!

Re: Huge Dilemma...

I'm sorry you're going through this! Part of this might just be normal pre-wedding jitters. But, you really owe it to yourself and to FH to figure it out before you two walk down the aise.

If I were you, I'd consider either pre-marital counseling or to some therapy on your own. (Even in individual therapy, you can ask FH to go with you to some sessions.) It really might help you sort your issues out - inside and outside of your relationship.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by littlepixie12

oh im sorry... why cant you still do the same things that you were doing preFH?

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To make a really long story short basically he didn't want to live in the city so we got a place in suffolk (long story behind that) the furthest possible place from my job and friends. I ended up getting a new job because the commute was killing me.. I hate this job more than anything and I have tried to go back to my old job but the economy is keeping me from that. I can still do the same things, I just live so far from my friends and miss the life I had made for myself. I know I had a choice but I very often find myself resenting FH for it.. when its not even his fault! I compromised alot and now I feel like being selfish and not compromising.

if that makes any sense!

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oh Im so sorry... cant you try to tell FH that? maybe you guys can live in between the two places?

Re: Huge Dilemma...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't know what to say really. Part of this is probably pre-wedding jitters, but I think you owe it to yourself and FH to discuss this thoroughly before much more time passes. Sometimes I feel the same way, so I can understand.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

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Posted by debzy

I'm sorry you're going through this! Part of this might just be normal pre-wedding jitters. But, you really owe it to yourself and to FH to figure it out before you two walk down the aise.

If I were you, I'd consider either pre-marital counseling or to some therapy on your own. (Even in individual therapy, you can ask FH to go with you to some sessions.) It really might help you sort your issues out - inside and outside of your relationship.

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To be honest I know this is ALL me. FH and I actually have a very good relationship in the sense that we never fight, we are always happy, making eachother laugh, crave eachothers company etc. I think this is more of a personal issue with me. I resent him for things sometimes that I chose to compromise on, so its not his fault and I have no right to resent him for anything. Also I think I personally have a problem with growing up and moving on.

I sound crazy and I realize I am totally bi-polar today.. I cant really explain it to well

Re: Huge Dilemma...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you tried counseling?

Re: Huge Dilemma...

aw jen,

im so sorry u r going through this...

i think if u r saying u still want the marriage not this crazy stuff goin on now then its just a case of cold feet


i really think u need to think bout what u want..what u really want..

forget all the wedding plans and dresses and flowers etc etc

do u want fh?thats the question

in the meantime def take a break from all this planning..take some time for yourself

hope u feel better and u can fm me anytime u want to talk

Re: Huge Dilemma...

Awwwww Jen! I love you and im sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe its just all the stress from the wedding? If this is because you are so far from your friends, maybe you can move to nassau so you can be closer to them. Then maybe you could go back to your old job when the economy gets a little better since the commute wont be as bad. If you ever need to talk or just vent you can call or FM me anytime.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

Oh no! As long as you still want each other and just not the wedding I think it will all be okay. Good luck figuring things out.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

would it be possible to move closer to the city? I agree that the relationship is important and sounds strong but also it sounds like you compromised and maybe a little too much to make you happy. . I don't think that that is being unwilling to give up and move on, there is something different that you want and that may or may not change. . I would try to discuss that with him and see how he could also compromise. .. location, friends, community are all really imporant and chances are the resentment won't go away so try to figure it out now and best of luck and to you . and you are super strong for trying to deal with this noW

Re: Huge Dilemma...

oh hunny! It ***** that you are feeling this way! I have been going back and forth with these feelings too, and I attribute it to stress stress stress!!!! we are all under such stress!!!
Take a weekend away, go out with your girls, we all need that sometimes. He will just have to understand.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

Oh Jen I'm so sorry you're going through this. As long as you still want to marry FH everything will turn out okay. Take a break from planning. Talk to FH about how you're feeling. Maybe he can comprise a bit for you and move somewhere in Nassau.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

I feel so sorry you're having these doubts, but it is natural to question such a huge life-changing decision, and doing it 'out of your element' makes it tough. I can't tell you what you should do, although it sounds like you have alot of thinking to do. You should only get married if you are 100% sure. Nervous stress is one thing, doubts are another.

That being said, I can tell you that some of my friends live 4 miles away and some 400 miles away or more, and once everyone got married, and especially after the kids came, there isn't as much socializing as there once was. Marriage changes your relationship with friends much the way moving 60 miles away can -- even if you live close by!! So, while you could move closer to your friends and lose your FH, you could then find yourself 'losing' friends as they marry, have children, and yes . . . move to the 'burbs. Can't you two travel to the city to go out with friends, or have them over for a weekend?

For what it's worth, my Mom wasn't happy when my parents left the city for Suffolk County (where I was born), she even sold the house 5 days after they moved in!! But, they stayed, and have been married 50 years, even though she couldn't get my Dad to leave until about 10 years ago!! LOL.

Re: Huge Dilemma...

You have FM babe!

Re: Huge Dilemma...

Hi ladies.. thank you all. I wasn't on LIW last night after posting. FH and I talked about it a little last night and are supposed to again tonight. He didn't know how I was feeling mainly because I usually hold everything inside until I am ready to burst, or go on LIW and vent about it. He said he will do anything for me to be happy and for our relationship. I do agree that I think alot of this has to do with stress.. Wedding stress, work stress, worrying if I will have a job next month, paying for a house and a wedding, being far from friends etc...I am going to look for ways to be stress free (or less stressed) and see how I feel from there. I feel like a crazy person lately.. one minute im talking his ear off about the wedding, the next im on LIW questioning everything.

OK enough rambling. I should make it look like i am doing some work today lol.

thank you all again, I think (and hope) that everything will be fine

Re: Huge Dilemma...

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by debzy

I'm sorry you're going through this! Part of this might just be normal pre-wedding jitters. But, you really owe it to yourself and to FH to figure it out before you two walk down the aise.

If I were you, I'd consider either pre-marital counseling or to some therapy on your own. (Even in individual therapy, you can ask FH to go with you to some sessions.) It really might help you sort your issues out - inside and outside of your relationship.

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To be honest I know this is ALL me. FH and I actually have a very good relationship in the sense that we never fight, we are always happy, making eachother laugh, crave eachothers company etc. I think this is more of a personal issue with me. I resent him for things sometimes that I chose to compromise on, so its not his fault and I have no right to resent him for anything. Also I think I personally have a problem with growing up and moving on.

I sound crazy and I realize I am totally bi-polar today.. I cant really explain it to well

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I hear ya. I think that's honestly all the more reason for YOU to go to see a therapist and try to find yourself and work things out internally first. It's only fair to you and him.