Huge fight with FH

Girls, I could really use some hugs. FH and I had a huge monster of a fight last night because of FMIL. She is not a warm person at all and I feel like she thinks I'm 'stealing' her son. When FH and I first met he talked all about how his mom was going to love having me around because she didn't have any girls and how she wouldn't be able to wait to do 'girly' things with me. Well, long story short, that has not happened at all. In fact, I think she would prefer that I not be around at all. She does not express interest in the wedding or my life in general at all...except occassionally through FH. I'm really hurt that she doesn't show interest (especially because FH felt so strongly that she would love having a girl in the family) because I feel like I've failed or I'm a disappointment or something. As a result, I think I've put up a defense mechanism of just not liking her so that I don't get hurt any further. So now, everything she says and does annoys me and I see the negative in everything, despite the few nice things she has done during this whole process.

I don't know how to help this situation between FH and I. I feel like he takes her side, when really I think I'm just defensive about everything she does/says. FH keeps saying that it is just how she is and how I have to get used to it. Well I've always been the way I am too...so how can I change? I am so used to really warm people who are interested in my life...and it has been such a hard adjustment.

I'm not sure what I expect you girls to help with...I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest.

I can totally relate

Sorry to hear that...I think issues like this should be talked about and settled once for a lifetime.

So sorry to hear this, Katie!!!!!!! Don't worry about the fight with FH, things will work themselves out and everything will be back to normal soon.

As for your FMIL, ask her why she thinks the 2 of you aren't closer? It's prob bc she's afraid of losing her son, it's a difficult thing, a lot of moms have trouble letting go, esp of their boys. I'm sure over time things will get better as the 2 of you get used to each other and she adjusts to her son's new life.

---

Posted by Katie&Chris2006

Girls, I could really use some hugs. FH and I had a huge monster of a fight last night because of FMIL. She is not a warm person at all and I feel like she thinks I'm 'stealing' her son. When FH and I first met he talked all about how his mom was going to love having me around because she didn't have any girls and how she wouldn't be able to wait to do 'girly' things with me. Well, long story short, that has not happened at all. In fact, I think she would prefer that I not be around at all. She does not express interest in the wedding or my life in general at all...except occassionally through FH. I'm really hurt that she doesn't show interest (especially because FH felt so strongly that she would love having a girl in the family) because I feel like I've failed or I'm a disappointment or something. As a result, I think I've put up a defense mechanism of just not liking her so that I don't get hurt any further. So now, everything she says and does annoys me and I see the negative in everything, despite the few nice things she has done during this whole process.

I don't know how to help this situation between FH and I. I feel like he takes her side, when really I think I'm just defensive about everything she does/says. FH keeps saying that it is just how she is and how I have to get used to it. Well I've always been the way I am too...so how can I change? I am so used to really warm people who are interested in my life...and it has been such a hard adjustment.

I'm not sure what I expect you girls to help with...I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest.

---

OMG you just described my situation exactly. My family adores FH and I and his mother is totally not interested in wedding stuff unless it directly benefits her...I have taken offense to many things and decided it wasnt worth my time to worry about it anymore. Weddings are soooo stressful for everyone...and I have a whole lifetime to deal with my FMIL and our relationship...My advice...let things go for now and enjoy your planning and wedding. unless she is directly effecting the outcome of your wedding ignore her...also try not to fight about it with FH. I have cried more night over this situation than I care to admit..its not worth it..FM if you want to talk

so sorry
It kind of sounds like you have a case of a momma's boy... mom doesn't want to let her son go, no woman can ever treat him as good as she does, and her baby boy can see no wrong in his mom.
After everything has calmed down, sit down and have a talk about it and tell him how you feel. Instead of being on the attack, tell him how much it hurts that you feel like you can't be close to her and how you had thought you were going to have a wonderful relationship with him.
Hopefully some of this will resovle itself once you get married and she sees she is not getting rid of y ou, but unfortunately this might be one if those issues where there is always a bit of a problem.
Talk it out with him, see how it goes!!

I want you to try your best with her Katie. Even if it stinks at first I want you to make the special effort to get in her face. I think once she sees that you are interested in her (maybe invite her to coffee or a glass of wine) you will see a better reaction from her.

Don't let her get in the middle of your relationship with Chris. It's unfortunately our jobs to make our presence known. In the end she may just be a little sad that her baby boy is all grown up and is marrying a beautiful woman. Maybe she needs to feel involved in that. Not the wedding garb but you.

FM me if you want

just the fact that you wrote all this up shows that you are a warm person who cares about a good relationship with her family. hopefully she will one day see this.

---

Posted by CaseyVM214

---

Posted by Katie&Chris2006

Girls, I could really use some hugs. FH and I had a huge monster of a fight last night because of FMIL. She is not a warm person at all and I feel like she thinks I'm 'stealing' her son. When FH and I first met he talked all about how his mom was going to love having me around because she didn't have any girls and how she wouldn't be able to wait to do 'girly' things with me. Well, long story short, that has not happened at all. In fact, I think she would prefer that I not be around at all. She does not express interest in the wedding or my life in general at all...except occassionally through FH. I'm really hurt that she doesn't show interest (especially because FH felt so strongly that she would love having a girl in the family) because I feel like I've failed or I'm a disappointment or something. As a result, I think I've put up a defense mechanism of just not liking her so that I don't get hurt any further. So now, everything she says and does annoys me and I see the negative in everything, despite the few nice things she has done during this whole process.

I don't know how to help this situation between FH and I. I feel like he takes her side, when really I think I'm just defensive about everything she does/says. FH keeps saying that it is just how she is and how I have to get used to it. Well I've always been the way I am too...so how can I change? I am so used to really warm people who are interested in my life...and it has been such a hard adjustment.

I'm not sure what I expect you girls to help with...I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest.

---

OMG you just described my situation exactly. My family adores FH and I and his mother is totally not interested in wedding stuff unless it directly benefits her...I have taken offense to many things and decided it wasnt worth my time to worry about it anymore. Weddings are soooo stressful for everyone...and I have a whole lifetime to deal with my FMIL and our relationship...My advice...let things go for now and enjoy your planning and wedding. unless she is directly effecting the outcome of your wedding ignore her...also try not to fight about it with FH. I have cried more night over this situation than I care to admit..its not worth it..FM if you want to talk

---

Totally the same here...she is interested in her dress, where she is going to get her hair done, and the food we are going to feed her guests. Everything else she doesn't care about. She also is interested in how much everything costs - she's not paying so I'm not sure why she cares. I have to push it out of my mind because this time is so precious for FH and I and just want to enjoy it.

---

Posted by Goldi1021

I think some men need to realize that once they are married, their allegiances are primarily with their wives. Mothers are very important but wives now come first. I dont know, but if i were a guy, I would work really hard at pleasing the woman I am sleeping with for the rest of my life.

---

I totally agree. I love and respect that he is close to his mother...it's one of the reasons I love him so much...but at the end of the day, I'm the one he comes home to now!

---

Posted by Katie&Chris2006

---

Posted by CaseyVM214

---

Posted by Katie&Chris2006

Girls, I could really use some hugs. FH and I had a huge monster of a fight last night because of FMIL. She is not a warm person at all and I feel like she thinks I'm 'stealing' her son. When FH and I first met he talked all about how his mom was going to love having me around because she didn't have any girls and how she wouldn't be able to wait to do 'girly' things with me. Well, long story short, that has not happened at all. In fact, I think she would prefer that I not be around at all. She does not express interest in the wedding or my life in general at all...except occassionally through FH. I'm really hurt that she doesn't show interest (especially because FH felt so strongly that she would love having a girl in the family) because I feel like I've failed or I'm a disappointment or something. As a result, I think I've put up a defense mechanism of just not liking her so that I don't get hurt any further. So now, everything she says and does annoys me and I see the negative in everything, despite the few nice things she has done during this whole process.

I don't know how to help this situation between FH and I. I feel like he takes her side, when really I think I'm just defensive about everything she does/says. FH keeps saying that it is just how she is and how I have to get used to it. Well I've always been the way I am too...so how can I change? I am so used to really warm people who are interested in my life...and it has been such a hard adjustment.

I'm not sure what I expect you girls to help with...I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest.

---

OMG you just described my situation exactly. My family adores FH and I and his mother is totally not interested in wedding stuff unless it directly benefits her...I have taken offense to many things and decided it wasnt worth my time to worry about it anymore. Weddings are soooo stressful for everyone...and I have a whole lifetime to deal with my FMIL and our relationship...My advice...let things go for now and enjoy your planning and wedding. unless she is directly effecting the outcome of your wedding ignore her...also try not to fight about it with FH. I have cried more night over this situation than I care to admit..its not worth it..FM if you want to talk

---

Totally the same here...she is interested in her dress, where she is going to get her hair done, and the food we are going to feed her guests. Everything else she doesn't care about. She also is interested in how much everything costs - she's not paying so I'm not sure why she cares. I have to push it out of my mind because this time is so precious for FH and I and just want to enjoy it.

---

I think that is the best...good luck trying to relax...things will fall into place eventually. Plus I noticed once i decided to let things go...I wasnt so offended by a lot of the things she said..the goal right now should be to enjoy the next few months.

---

Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

so sorry
It kind of sounds like you have a case of a momma's boy... mom doesn't want to let her son go, no woman can ever treat him as good as she does, and her baby boy can see no wrong in his mom.
After everything has calmed down, sit down and have a talk about it and tell him how you feel. Instead of being on the attack, tell him how much it hurts that you feel like you can't be close to her and how you had thought you were going to have a wonderful relationship with him.
Hopefully some of this will resovle itself once you get married and she sees she is not getting rid of y ou, but unfortunately this might be one if those issues where there is always a bit of a problem.
Talk it out with him, see how it goes!!

---

Thanks Lauren...you are right, we definitely need to talk about this some more when both of us have cooled off. I worry though, like you said, that this is something that may come up again and again...and that is very scary because it is such a big issue. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

---

Posted by Goldi1021

I think some men need to realize that once they are married, their allegiances are primarily with their wives. Mothers are very important but wives now come first. I dont know, but if i were a guy, I would work really hard at pleasing the woman I am sleeping with for the rest of my life.

---

THANK YOU! That's what I keep trying to explain to DH...while family/mom is important, I now take priority! He is starting to see that..but it's a long road!


best of luck to you katie!!!

---

Posted by JXNOscar

I want you to try your best with her Katie. Even if it stinks at first I want you to make the special effort to get in her face. I think once she sees that you are interested in her (maybe invite her to coffee or a glass of wine) you will see a better reaction from her.

Don't let her get in the middle of your relationship with Chris. It's unfortunately our jobs to make our presence known. In the end she may just be a little sad that her baby boy is all grown up and is marrying a beautiful woman. Maybe she needs to feel involved in that. Not the wedding garb but you.

FM me if you want

---

Hi Nancy! I hope you are right. I have tried to make overtures before to become more involved in her life, but have had little success. She doesn't show any emotion or warmth at all, which is challenging for someone who is an absolute sap and completely lovey dovey. I'm sure she is sad that her little boy is grown. The only time I've seen her show emotion was when he moved in with me out of his apartment. If she looked a little closer, and got to know me a little better, I think she would see that I'm not trying to steal him...but more, I'm trying to become part of her family.