Girls, I could really use some hugs. FH and I had a huge monster of a fight last night because of FMIL. She is not a warm person at all and I feel like she thinks I'm 'stealing' her son. When FH and I first met he talked all about how his mom was going to love having me around because she didn't have any girls and how she wouldn't be able to wait to do 'girly' things with me. Well, long story short, that has not happened at all. In fact, I think she would prefer that I not be around at all. She does not express interest in the wedding or my life in general at all...except occassionally through FH. I'm really hurt that she doesn't show interest (especially because FH felt so strongly that she would love having a girl in the family) because I feel like I've failed or I'm a disappointment or something. As a result, I think I've put up a defense mechanism of just not liking her so that I don't get hurt any further. So now, everything she says and does annoys me and I see the negative in everything, despite the few nice things she has done during this whole process.
I don't know how to help this situation between FH and I. I feel like he takes her side, when really I think I'm just defensive about everything she does/says. FH keeps saying that it is just how she is and how I have to get used to it. Well I've always been the way I am too...so how can I change? I am so used to really warm people who are interested in my life...and it has been such a hard adjustment.
I'm not sure what I expect you girls to help with...I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest.
Katie&Chris2006
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Re: Huge fight with FH
Posted by ant n tilde
FMIL has two sons and no daughters. . . i can totally relate
she asks stuff about the wedding but everytime i talk to her about it she makes me feel like a silly little girl ( she had a 'football' wedding, as she describes it)
and she makes me feel like i can never really know what is good for FH only SHE can
so please know you are NOT alone and i think maybe once we have kids that it will get better? I think things have gotten better between FMIL and FSIL since grandkids came into the picture
good luck!!
I think there is definitely something to be said for women who only have sons and no daughters. I have several girlfriends who are married to guys who only have brothers and we all seem to have similar issues. Thanks for assuring me I'm not alone! I too hope it will get better when children come along. It is with children that I sometimes see a softer side to FMIL...so hopefully with mine the same thing will happen.
Katie&Chris2006
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Re: Huge fight with FH
Posted by petunia77
just the fact that you wrote all this up shows that you are a warm person who cares about a good relationship with her family. hopefully she will one day see this.
Thank you so much that is very sweet!
Katie&Chris2006
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Re: Huge fight with FH
Posted by cindyandkevin
So sorry to hear this, Katie!!!!!!! Don't worry about the fight with FH, things will work themselves out and everything will be back to normal soon.
As for your FMIL, ask her why she thinks the 2 of you aren't closer? It's prob bc she's afraid of losing her son, it's a difficult thing, a lot of moms have trouble letting go, esp of their boys. I'm sure over time things will get better as the 2 of you get used to each other and she adjusts to her son's new life.
Thanks Cindy...I hope one day I will have the courage to confront her!!!
Jackie&Justin
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Re: Huge fight with FH
Katie, my date twin, I just wanted to give you some of these:
soon2bmrsdunn
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Re: Huge fight with FH
plainview
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Re: Huge fight with FH
hang in there. i am in a similar situation. and while my fmil is nice to me, she feels like she has the right to speak her mind to me coz Im her 'daughter' now (she has 2 sons only). so sometimes she says some inappropriate stuff that I dont appreciate it and I am too respectful to say some of the things I would say.
On top of that, she was pushing FH to propose and now that we have a house together and he has moved out, she loves to tell both of us how she cries all the time since he isnt home.
Whatever, just avoid her and be pleasant when you have too.
Try not to get upset with FH about it, it is defintiely not worth it!!!!!!!!!!!! And imagine that it must be difficult for him to find the appropriate balance (tipped in your favor of course). He will eventually. =)
JessicaM.
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Re: Huge fight with FH
aw sweetie. I am very sorry.
my MIL is the same way. though she doesn't go out of her way to be mean, she is not the warmest or most welcoming person, and certainly is very different from most of my family members.
I think you are hurt more than anything else, but it has nothing to do with YOU. you are a sweet sweet thing, and don't you forget that. some people do not express feelings well, and some are not as open and caring as we'd like. the point is, you love your fh- he loves you. he also loves his mom, who I am sure loves him.
she probably is scared of what this means for her..she was the only woman in his life for a long time. it's not surprising if there is a touch of jealousy...try to relax and let it roll off your back. she may surprise you yet.
thelastresort
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Re: Huge fight with FH
I can totally relate to you, as well as FH taking her side all the time. However, I know FH defends me when she says stuff so I think it's kind of like a natural defense system they have. Both women are important to the guys and don't want either to feel hurt. It's still annoying though. It'll be okay.
snydl40
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Re: Huge fight with FH
scappy123
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Here are some hugs, I cant really relate b/c FH's parents have both passed away.
bournebride
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Don't worry, I am sure after the wedding everything will get a little bit less stressful
MrsH1156
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Re: Huge fight with FH
Posted by Katie&Chris2006
Girls, I could really use some hugs. FH and I had a huge monster of a fight last night because of FMIL. She is not a warm person at all and I feel like she thinks I'm 'stealing' her son. When FH and I first met he talked all about how his mom was going to love having me around because she didn't have any girls and how she wouldn't be able to wait to do 'girly' things with me. Well, long story short, that has not happened at all. In fact, I think she would prefer that I not be around at all. She does not express interest in the wedding or my life in general at all...except occassionally through FH. I'm really hurt that she doesn't show interest (especially because FH felt so strongly that she would love having a girl in the family) because I feel like I've failed or I'm a disappointment or something. As a result, I think I've put up a defense mechanism of just not liking her so that I don't get hurt any further. So now, everything she says and does annoys me and I see the negative in everything, despite the few nice things she has done during this whole process.
I don't know how to help this situation between FH and I. I feel like he takes her side, when really I think I'm just defensive about everything she does/says. FH keeps saying that it is just how she is and how I have to get used to it. Well I've always been the way I am too...so how can I change? I am so used to really warm people who are interested in my life...and it has been such a hard adjustment.
I'm not sure what I expect you girls to help with...I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest.
Awwww Katie!!!! First here's some hugs for you
Okay, first off, I don't think your FH is expecting you to change how you are because I'm sure he fell in love with the warm, kind hearted, generous individual that is you. He also knows how his Mom is so maybe he means he thinks you should just accept that his Mom is not going to change her personality and therefore don't take what she says/does personally. I do think FH was wrong to ever suggest that his Mom would love having a girl around because, unless his mom said that to him on any occasion, it's impossible to know how she would feel about ANY new females being around. After so many years, I'm sure some small part of her probably does feel like you are 'invading her territory' and maybe she does feel as if you are stealing her son. If so, she's just going to have to get over it and start realizing you are not going anywhere. It's not surprising you've built up a defense mechanism against your FMIL.If you can, try to let your defenses down a bit by simply not caring if she does or does not want to be involved with the wedding. Also, unless she's done or said something to you that would show you she does NOT like you, you can't be sure what is going on in her head. You can't make someone else appreciate what is important to you because they won't see it the same way you do. Don't change. Just change how you view your FMIL and I think you will have much less stress on you during this VERY stressful time.
july06bride
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Re: Huge fight with FH
try not to worry about fight with Fh...that will be fine! He loves you!
I considered myself close with FMIL ...we cared about eachother-she treated me like a daughter-it was nice...THEN, wedding planning came...and our relationship was much to be desired! She would go through Dh to tell him stuff about me...and I would then in turn have to go through him to relay messages to her and it was BAD...and poor DH was stuck in the middle. Finally, I called her myself and our conversation was much to be desired as well... but I felt like she was putting DH in the middle and making him have to choose sides between his mother and the woman he was marrying...and it was not fair!
Well, after wedding planning things are back to normal and we never even discuss those incidences...
I know I will always be 1st priority-and you should too! You will be his wife! You come first!
HOWEVER, no matter what I dont want to come in the middle of mother and son either. I put myself in her shoes -one day I will have a son (hopefully) and what would I want? It might take some time for her to realize that YOU are HIS priority ....but it will eventually get through to her. and if not-well its her loss-she is loosing out on being part of YOUR life...and missing out on something that could be very exciting...a daughter in law!
